little miss pyjamas =D

2010-07-24T17:57:00.003+08:00

Alright i know, i know. I've been practically dead from the blogs since forever, but i guess i just lost the motivation t keep updating about my daily life. Life's been hectic, if not wonderful since i'm officially a coach well technically and i've my own babies t deal with.

Yesterday's been a fucking bitch t be precise. I've never felt anything more than flabbergasted in more than 2 months and trust me, yesterday has taken off 2 years of my life with all the temper. I dont wish t elaborate but whatever it is, i hope all turns out well. Sigh, sometimes i wish i work with children instead of youths holy jesus. Children like act autistic benjamin, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Super bad of me, but i bet he doesnt mind, he might even like that example.

Managed t coach last thurs, took over agnes' beloved class. And i've only one word t describe that; orgasm. Seriously, it feels sooo darn good t see edwin, chlovis again. It was a pity janelle, chloe and kimberly were absent. I was beyond happy on thursday, i was ecscatic. - wrong spelling. I happened t meet darren by coincidence in the mrt, right in my face. I was hoping t have lunch w him or benjamin but unfortunately, that didnt happen. Couldnt stop gushing t darren how super happy i was t see my babies, and he kept giving me that -_- face which is sooo irritating i swear! Benjamin somehow or rather, has adopted his attitude w that -_- face which makes him look so much more like an autistic kid HAHAHAHAHA.

Boy, was that lesson fruitful. Had 2 new babies i didnt see before, one ang mo called daniel and beautiful girl called keira. Both of them are graciously adorable and obedient. I cant say the same for chlovis and edwin though. But still, they're sooo adoring i just want t kiss them so much. Especially daniel, when he gives you those big inquisitive brown eyes and toothy grin, you just go awwwwwwwwwww. Couldnt stop carressing their cheeks, and its not because i'm a paedophile. Its because its a form of physical affection, my babies like it! :)

I was practically yay-ing after that lesson, because they made me sooo happy. I couldnt stop thinking about them, its like i just crave for them. Agnes finds them t be lil horrors, maybe because she has 8 at one go and i only have 4 that thurs. But i know deep down, she loves them all. She just refuses t admit it since they piss her off soo much HAHAHAHAHAHA.

As i mentioned, yesterday was hell. Expected the same today, for 10mins none of my baby girls came. I was soo upset and disappointed, i wanted t see them so much, just t lift my spirits. In the end i ended up playing w junhao's 2year old sister. Until i heard girls screaming; TEACHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I didnt know it was me, i just turned my head and saw my 3 jelly babies screaming! Imagine my joy, alright you peepos prolly cant but the feeling is euphoric. I felt like my heart was bursting w happiness and pride. Seriously, they piss me off at times too but i dont know why i still love them so much. It was kind of embarrassing because their screams were echoing and people were looking but heck! I was too darn happy t give a damn. Cutest thing was when all 3 of them came running towards me and called; teacher! teacher! teacher! Not together of course, they were all at like their own pace. It was sooo sweet t see that, i swear i almost felt like a proud mum.

The lesson went by smoothly, joycelyn was surprisingly brave today attempting her nose bubbles. I supposed she wanted t please me today, HAHAHAHA. Feels darn good t see your baby improving and making a risk on the nose bubbles part since she's nuts for that. She seriously cant do for nuts, so does yy. They're always so scared, but i love that they did it for me. :)

Gave them quite a lot of jump jumps, it was great. They were obedient, i was happy and not thinking about anything else. Felt damn good, i wish i was surrounded by kids all the time. I guess the happiest part was hearing their mum tell me, how much the 3 of them look forward t seeing me. They complained that swimming was tiring, and her mum said if tiring then we dont go. They all started protesting because they want t come and see me. How sweet is that?! And her mum says, i'm like their idol now. HAHAHAHAHAH. Thats a breakthrough, i'm thoroughly surprised.

The next lesson was awesome as well. Ian insisted on playing w me, it was pretty weird because he usually loved being alone and playing w his friends instead of me. Still, my 4 babyboys did well, silly G-yang and G-han FINALLY did their mushroom float right. I was darn fucking shocked! My jaw dropped, seriously. But still, its a happy day for my kids and I. Now that coaching is way for me t destress, i'ma gonna work hard in my swimming and be a better swimmer.

I dont want jerks t look down on me because i cant swim decently and gracefully. I dont want t get scolded at training anymore! I'm gonna put in effort, going for coaching next wed and thurs. :) Farewell cheesecake for benjamin and darren. Sigh, i'll miss these 2 spastic boys. :( Lets all keep in touch alright!

Time t chiong my nvp, thank god i'm halfway through.

Till then.

2010-06-08T19:30:00.002+08:00

Feeling pretty sleepy as i type, i guess i'ma gonna skip dinner tonight because i'm just so darn full from the sakura lunch buffet this afternoon. I know, gawd i know. I'm just so restless because exams are over. I've nothing t look forward t, i'm surprised i didnt buy anything during the shopping trip at orchard.

I just wasnt interested.

Sure, i did poked my nosy head around and looked for stuffs t try but nothing much of the urge t get my hands on it. Disappointing, i'm wondering what is wrong w me. Sigh, training tmr and i can tell you i dread it. Honestly, i dread training every single time. For some unknown reason, i groan when i know i'm gonna have training tmr. I dont know if its the fear of getting verbally fucked in the face or the fact that there're always dumb ass blind swimmers who cant even get their fucking strokes right t the point of smashing their head or body or arms on my alr fragile head.

Trust me, the feeling of getting an arm slammed in your face while you're doing your virgin experience of side stroke only t have your head slammed back in the water while you're up for breath w your goggles and headcap all washed off just fucking suck ass. I got that once from this fat ass of a guy. Gawd, he even had a pockmarked face! That wasnt the worst, he even said 'alamak!' in a very exasperated tone before heading his ugly face down in the water t continue his cannot-make-it freestyle.

He looked like he was doing some traditional dance in the water w his head shaking left and right and his body disgustingly turning at exaggeratingly weird angles. Oh trust me, it was an eyesore. Thank god i didnt develop tonsils in my eyes or something, that would have been horrible.

Alright back t topic, so i've been really busy lately. Exams and coaching and all. Of course, coaching can never be as 'fun' as studying. Yes, i'm very lucky i've my own class now. I really appreciate what some people have done t give me a class. I mean, like i'm not a very good coach and all. Its just that burning passion i have for kids, but really passion cant measure up t skills. Gawd I love my babies, i found myself feeling quite unsettled when my 4 boys didnt come for class. Sigh, talk about emotional attachment.

My 3 girls were quite the opposite this week. Unsettlingly fidgety and naughty i nearly lost my mind. Added a new girl in this last sat and i was feeling quite i stressed because i didnt know what t do. I mean, i was stressed y'know its like theres this heavy responsibility on me and all. Parents are watching and crap, alright t be fair at least i talk t them before and after every lesson.

I dont polish their asses, i just try my best t forge a friendship. -i hope that turned out well- ooooh, and there was this incredibly adorable young guy 3.5yrs old. Was supposed t go on trial w him for swimming lessons and all, he was sooooooo cute! Honestly, the first 15mins were torture, he wasnt talking or moving and he had a straight face unless when i caressed his chubby cheeks. Only then would his 2 dimples show. -_- Oh well, desperate calls for desperate measures. Ended up into a happy playing session of the game 'jump jump' for the next 45mins. For every jump, there would be a nose and mouth bubble w a short lap of swimming.

Trust me, you dont know how stressful it is for a mum t have hawking eye on you while her son practically, doesnt move smile or talk. At least it worked. He started laughing and all, gosh was he a fast learner. I mean like wow. He learnt how t kick, do his nose and mouth bubbles in that one freaking lesson?! He doesnt have water phobia but he wasnt that good w water too, i was just so amazed w his capabilities. zomg, i'm missing him alr. :(

I dont practice favouritism ( i try not t ) so yes i miss all my babies. Dont know if darren and leon is coming back this sat from their vacation. Oh i hope so, they better come back! If not i would pounce on them the day they come back HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Had a great day w the girls yesterday, but the movie Killers kind of reminded me of some pretty i dont know man depressing stuffs. Gosh yes i know, ashton kutcher was F-M-L hot, i'm totally looking at him in a different light now. Katherine heigl is gorgeously beautiful in that independent i-know-what-i-want atittude, with her pounding confidence zomg, she was like a freaking godness.

Ashton said; i know shes someone i can depend on.

I was thinking t myself, hell she does look like one kind of a girl i can depend on if shit happens. I mean look at katherine! She has every look of a independent business lady feel, just like how she was in the last movie ; the ugly truth. Shes my new idol for now, i'm gonna be a responsible young lady like how she is.

Ashton also said; I like that shes nice, caring and funny.

And i was thinking oh fuck my life. I really lost count the number of times people tell me that. ( no pun intended nor am i boasting my sorry ass off here ) Actually i dont really like it when people say i'm nice, makes it sound like i'm a complete pushover. Besides, nice people always end up dying first or getting gunned by some malicious bitch or something. And, being nice doesnt always get nice repays. Besides, the main point is being nice usually only bring across one point t the opposite sex - oh hey shes sucha nice sisterly-motherly kind of way.

Oh my fucking god, just kill me please. Maybe thats why i've been single for so long, no guy can prolly imagine dating his mum. -pun intended- Or maybe its because i'm too pretty darn bad looking. Oh, i need t lose weight too, been gaining a shit load. Depressing yes i know, theres nothing more appealing than a perfect porcelain dollike face and a perfect figure. Its like every girl's dream but lets face it, 70% of the population doesnt get so lucky. Unfortunately, i am in the 70%.

Ah crap, getting depressed again. In addition, i kind of dread going out w my friends ever since last night. Shit happens, all the fucking time! Honestly, he was incredibly pissed, i cant imagine my outing next tues t sentosa. I'm prolly gonna have t pawn my sorry ass and leave sentosa like what 3hrs early t get home.

What can be worst right ?

No freedom, no aim or goal in life and gawd, not even doing well or succeeding in something i'm doing. Being a coach sure feels good, not because you can boss people around but because you get t be w the kids all the time. Theres this unbreakable and loving bond.

Nothing, fucking hell nothing feels better than watching your babies coming through that door calling out for you. Not even an A in my exams, or clothes, or friends, or family or any shit feels better than being appreciated by kids that age. And, my girls are only 3-5years old. Impressive how much a kid can do huh ?

Everytime i get depressed, i think of my kids. They make me feel like, i'm important. For fucking hell once in my life yes, i am important. They miss and need me, like how i do t them as well. I find myself going into toyshops and stationery shops wondering what small presents i should get for them. Sigh, sometimes emotional attachment is so darn depressing especially if you're not gonna teach them the next time round. I miss my babies, hope t see them this weekend. Listening t charmaine on Power 98. Miss her dj-ing, goodbye.

If theres one thing t describe what i am; nothing. I'm as disposable as anyone else, and only my kids make me feel i'm not. They make me know what my role and passion in life is.

2010-05-14T04:46:00.002+08:00

This is just dumb, i am being dumb. Who the hell stays up till like 7am in the morning t finish some shitty GBE project when the due date isnt even up? Cant believe i took luchella and jek's words so seriously about them needing my part t continue.

I'm so fucking tired right now, i cant even stay awake despite having a top grade black coffee which i brewed by mistake. Talk about a mucked up morning/night. I honestly wonder how i'm even gonna stay awake till dinner at night w mum. Bringing her out for a belated dinner at some place for mother's day. As usual, i'm paying for everyone again.

No wonder i get so broke all the time! - just kidding. Do you think i should run later at 6am or should i just swim after school ? i still think swimming after school is a good choice. Lose weight, get perked up. I certainly dont want mum t nag me like mad because i didnt sleep a wink. She certainly wont stop, and i would certainly lose my temper because i'm alr so pissed w myself for staying up the whole night doing some dumb crap i cant seem t get info from.

Lets just say, i dont care if the info is relevant or not. I'm just so fucking tired, i'm sick of seeing google and yahoo search engine because i've went there over 15 times alr. Thank god siangsheng came online. He gave me the whole format, what i'm supposed t crap about all in a detailed explanation. Chatted w me till 5am too. HAHAHAHAHAHA. thanks bro, you're the best. :) i freaking owe him a chicky meal nowwww.

Lets just hope, i can find and do what is right. Taking immense responsibility for the first time, is definitely gonna cost me my ass tomorrow. I'm prepared t get bombed by teachers for sleeping in class, busted by my mum and i really wish i wont fall asleep during dinner w her. Fuck her work timetable, shes not free the whole of next week so the only chance is t eat w her tmr. Sometimes, i really pity my mum for working so hard. And i know all i can do, is t treat her nice meals like swensens etc ( when dad's overseas ) and of course try t be a good girl which is pretty hard.

My room is always messy, i'm always in a bad temper ( though i try my best t keep calm ) but i know one thing for sure, shes glad i found my target in life. So do i! :)

Honestly looking back, i regret coming t business admin. I wish i went t Ngee Ann Early Childhood Education. Should have been more persistent in my choice that time. No one knows how it feels like t be surrounded by kids all the time, for me that kind of ecstasy is divine. Time passes so fast i dont even notice, and i dread it when it ends. Its like the happiness get sucked out of you. :(

Perhaps thats the reason why i'm deciding t work extra and train extra hard for my lifesaver test. I really want t pass it, i want t be a coach. So freaking badly. Thanks t benjamin for having faith in me! :) Been sticking w him the past few days in training and he really widened my view and perspectives in life. Hes so mature its hard t even notice through his goofy nature. Lost count the no. of times he gave me useful advice for school problems like projects and shit work i'm so tired of doing.

I guess we cant judge a book by its cover. I'ma gonna listen t benjamin and chiong my training. I realise i feel totally at ease w renhuan and benjamin. I can look my ugliest, with my wet hair all tied back and they wont judge and talk. Its like normal, we joke and laugh at each other's antics. T be honest, i feel at ease w most of the girls in SLI. Surprising change from the past.

Wendy's last weekend this week, and i'm dreading it. I'll miss chatting w her, talking t her about the kids and all. I'll miss her so so so much. Knew her for like less than 3 weeks but i feel the loss in her leaving the company. Sigh, friends come and go. Hopefully, we'll keep in contact baby! Shopping together soon. ♥

Alright sorry for the sidetrack, but fuck! I really hate the fact that i'm gonna go t sch in 2hr's time, with hardly visible and open eyes, tired attitude and a very bad temper. I hope swimming later at 4pm would cheer me up. I'm just so fucking tired, i'm trying not t swear but just look at me! The dark eye circles and shit, no way am i gonna stay up and be responsible for project stuffs t this extent anymore. Unless the deadline is near.

Sigh, a few more points t finish. I seriously wish, i can give my mum a great happy meal together. God, i beg you dont make me feel sleepy during dinner. I'm prepared t drink coffee the whole fucking day later. If i'm quiet girls, pls do not bother t talk t me. Because i dont have the darn energy t talk, and if i sleep in class dont comment or wake me up because i'm damn tired i'm exhausted.

anyway, thanks t benjamin renhuan and siangsheng for being so nice t me lately.

Good morning you.

2010-04-29T00:15:00.002+08:00

I'ma very happy girl today! :) Though badminton session was mucked up because the court which was assumed t be booked by us werent booked. Had fun coaching the kids in Uncle Jimmy's class. Though most of them prolly tested my limits t the maximum, i guess i just have t be more patient and caring i mean, thats what i'm supposed t be right? I love kids, its scary how huge the extent of my liking for kids can go.

I prolly freaked out all the men on earth w sucha love for kids. Oh well, had my sinful dinner at the coffee shop and ended up sleeping on the table for 2hrs while waiting for uncle robert. We left at 8pm w uncle robert driving me t JE mrt.

Was supposed t go clubbing, but it was pathetic w only two person. Since y'know siangsheng and terence arent really into clubbing. -_- Sooo, i went over t cck t drink w terence. It was great, he was being a gentleman by paying for 99% of the stuffs. HAHAHAHAHAHA. because i told him i was mad broke.

Bought 2 large fries and requested for 2 cups of ice t drink. Ended up sprawled all over this playground HAHAHAHAHA. we were just sitting there chatting and eating fries, until he laid down because he was a lil wasted. Like dizzy and blur. AHAHAHAHA, and i burning hot like mad just laid right down on the floor. Totally shiok, -looks at sis- -ultra big smile :D-. Chatted almost about everything, i guess some of the closest people i click w have the same family problems as me. Technically i mean, and they understand best. Because they've been there done that. If not still going through what i'm going through.

Went over t mac at 10.30pm for supper. Mcflurry icecream, talk about fats. :( But heck, i'm gonna swim tmr so no big deal. Really glad t catch up w my sis, talking non stop drinking and all. Some of the stuffs he mentioned were downright shitty and ridiculous. I couldnt stop L-O-L-ing. Went home at 11pm because i was getting better, walking straight and not being able t grab hold of stuffs.

Feels bad t see him upset, i guess its great we met up too. He gave me the feeling that he was supressing everything up. I could feel it when he turned in for a hug before i left. It was kind of a sad hug, its depressing. :( Perhaps we might meet tmr t drink or go clubbing okay terence? Cheer up silly boy, everything will get better. At least, we both hope so.

But no matter what, i'll always be there for you like how you were always here for me! Its sweet when i can call him and cry like shit without worrying if he would freak out and keep quiet because i know he wont. Well, thats why we're sisters. ♥

Oh well, busy fb-ing w kath,benjamin,meixin and some random peeps while chatting t the emo siangsheng. Who doesnt seem so emo now HAHAHAHAHAHA. Someone's spending a night in someone else's house huh. -winks winks- hes a freaking sicko, he loves the tiko emoticon wj sent me like how i love it. Benny boy is being a freaking asshole, drives me mad when he calls me zhao cai mao. :(

Gonna fool around in fb before getting my ass t bed. Its been ages since i'm so happy, and it feels good t be happy. I'm looking forward t seeing sister tmr or the next time, coaching the babies and shopping w lynne and agnes tmr! ♥

Goodnight.

I tried, i cried and i fell. Its time i give you up once and for all in the name of good for myself. There wont be a time i would look back and think of you, because we both know it isnt true. Till then, i'll be starting a new life ahead after i've forgotten you.

2010-04-24T22:29:00.002+08:00

Here i am listening t siangsheng on msn talking about certain general knowledge stuffs on alcoholic drinks and perfumes. Been ages since i last conversed w this pig. HAHAHAHA. Hes hilarious seriously random like kathleen. But, kath's worst. She can talk about food when i'm telling her about relationship issues.

Its like she would suddenly say oh, you know the bubble tea downstairs? ( at bugis ) when i'm like waiting for her take on some r/s issues. Its like seriously what the hell ? I go like WHAT ? Y'know, thats how random and far fetched it is for her. But she's been pretty hilarious, and we amazingly do have a load of similarities.

Shopping w her yesterday was the sex. I mean like, she showed me which shops are cheap etc. Like oh my god, and i sinned by purchasing this floral cotton on dress and high waisted pants yesterday. Probably gonna wear my pants tmr if i'm not meeting hy at his workplace. I dont know, kind of of awkward smsing and asking him if i go.

Oh well, met the boys ( edwin, hy and this guy i forgot the name sorry ) at coffee bean yesterday night t chill out. Hilarious thing was, they walked from cityhall t Iluma coffee bean, thinking that me and kath would be there. When we were in fact at bugis junction starbucks waiting for them. They only realised we were at starbucks when they rang kath up. Jackass hy insisted i told him we would be meeting at Iluma when i said nothing of that sort.

Classic part not met yet, they came t starbucks t find us only t go back t coffee bean at Iluma again w us HAHAHAHAHAHA. Simple reason; starbucks was busted full w people. You should have seen their what the fuck face. It made me laugh like nuts.

So we chilled and they teased poor kath non stop. Her face was blushing like a baboon ass. ( edwin and hy said so ) Poor kath, i totally feel you. Before you arrived i was the exact target. :(
Boys *rolls eyes* they never fail t tease you like mad and then make you feel sooooo pek chek when they all target you and shoot you back w what you retorted. -_-

Went home w kath after that. Couldnt sleep, because dad forbid me from going attachment today. :( I was totally looking forward t see this gorgeous girl called emmeline. She has two dimples, curly brown-black hair, huge hazel brown eyes embedded in her chubby face and a heart stopping smile. I missed hearing her laughter and carrying her close t me. I guess i'm going delusional. :(

So i dialled hy's number i contemplated if i should disobey my dad and go ahead or just be a daddy's lil girl. I lamented and procrastinated the whole damn thing w hy a total of 10 times. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. i just kept repeating the same thing. 7 times consecutively, 3 times with other topics and durations in between.

It was great talking t him, i realise we have quite a few personal stuffs in common which makes it easy for me t talk t him because i guess he understand as well. Amazing part is when he literally dissected my character and rattled of the list of myself. I mean like he was quite accurate, and i actually admitted that i like having a boyf and being w someone than being single. Something i dont really tell anyone else, y'know because headstrong me wanted t prove t people being single is a shit load better.

Feel kind of bad, wasting his house phone bills because we chatted for like 3hrs? :O like on and off. But honestly, i do feel relieved i found someone i can talk t as platonic friends and someone who understand y'know. Some people struggle t understand how i feel, some totally mistook my rants etc. Oh well, as he said, we're fated.

Gonna log off soon t finish off vince's assignment. that lil jerk is off at bukit panjang hitting the loops w some boys because his girlfriend told elon so. -_- And here i am, slogging my ass off t finish his assignments.

Oh yay! Hy is calling in 3mins, someone t hear me rant again. Awesome, thanks for being a great pal hy :)

oh and i want t apologise t someone, whom i've insensitively offended. I'm sorry, i wont say anything insensitive anymore. I guess i'll be more careful w my words around you :) sorry, i'm just so used t shooting off stuffs when i'm hanging out w guys. Y'know shooting off without thinking, you're the first person t actually correct me. Good grief, t think how many people have i offended. :( So sorry, i hope our friendship is not affected.

Attachment tmr! Huiling called t ask me go clubbing, unfortunately my mum heard and she threatened t lock me out, sooo i guess no clubbing tonight. Gonna procrastinate t hy again, poor guy HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Siangsheng is being bored, and replying damn slow.

Goodbye.

2010-04-23T08:30:00.002+08:00

Yesterday's training was fun! :) Nate was being melodramatic, i think he suits the bill for Lasalle or NAFA. Like seriously, i mean i lost count the number of times he had me in fits. But i felt damn awkward when he said something like; at least shes laughing, i'm always seeing her crying in my class.

Talk about being awkward.

First time in 2 weeks i slept the moment i hit the bed. Awesome. I mean like emo periods are almost over, no more skipping of meals, no more pillows wet from tears, no more bothering nice people like hy blah blah.

Oh and alex is attached! :O i know right, like what the heck. I totally didnt see that coming, but boy am i glad for him.

Cant wait for laters when i meet kathleen t go chinatown and bugis for shopping. ♥

I realised me and kath have a shit load in common, like really a bull load. I was fucking shocked when i realised our similarities. Except the fact that shes cuter, thinner and a gorgeous dancer compared t me.

Contemplating if i should have lunch later. Alright i know i shouldnt skip meals but i just, oh screw it. i kind of miss working at robinsons, oh and i definitely miss attachment at sembawang ahahahaha. Going back these weekends, and bloody benjamin owes me 10packs of carrot cake.

Did i mention ? I felt so old yesterday because darren, benjamin and zhen huan kept calling me da jie. Like what the heck, they're like damn old for goodness sake. Especially darren. Oh well, off t school now!

i know you could sense the awkwardness,
because so could i.
i thought having a crush was intolerable,
but i guess whats unbearable was the rejection.

2010-04-20T18:39:00.003+08:00

Four pieces of chocolates, and i'm still down. What the hell is wrong w me? :( I've been very down lately, its just not me and i detest it. The only reason i smile like crazy or gesture comically is when i think of ashley, minyong, keru, lucas, titaus, emily etc etc. All the lil babies i saw during my last attachment.

I do not practice favouritism, please note that. I just so happen t be closer w some because they're more outgoing and i usually hang out w them more due t unforeseen circumstances.

Feeling damn frustrated w my life, room and everything right now.

i seldom drink, but i seriously need t drink. I'm losing my mind if i keep continuing the way i am right now.

Going out w cy on friday t get a present for her friend. I hope you girls are not planning a surprise birthday bash because i really do not want t celebrate my cursed birthday. This april has been nothing near wonderful especially on my birthday excluding the great company and gifts i received. And i certainly do not see myself getting hyped up over my birthday anymore because i fear that history would repeat itself.

I'm fine w celebrating other people's birthday but not mine. Please understand that. I do not want anything displeasing t happen again. I just want t forget that godforsaken day. I mean you certainly dont want t see me cry out of nowhere nor see my give you a straight face or try t smile when i'm battling t keep myself from tearing up. I'm just being paranoid, so yeah.

Life's sucha fucking bitch. I'm really going crazy. Gonna pack my pathetic closet now.

I cant wait for the weekends, in fact its the only thing keeping me going right now.

i'm losing it, so badly.
i need t walk away from my problems, because they're killing me.
if falling in love is painful,
then i can tell you liking someone in the dark is torturous.

2010-04-20T11:31:00.002+08:00

Talk about being tanned, i look like some brown chick on the move. Like i just dipped myself in milk chocolate pool and just came out dripping w milk chocolate. What's worst is that i'm going back later t get my logbook from robinsons. Talk about being dumb much.

The kids on sunday were awesome, they were incredibly cute and adorable. I'm in love w them, i mean like who wouldnt ? The way they smile and laugh at your silly antics just melt my heart. I guess my calling's for kids. Oh i miss them already, meeting them again this weekends! :D Totally cant wait t kiss Keru on the cheek and hug and tight. Shes like the most lovely girl ever in terms of physical terms.

Awesome much, 12hrs on the weekends for swimming attachment.

i miss the way minyong looks at me w those innocent eyes filled w determination t finish the laps.
i miss the way keru wraps her legs around my waist and kiss me 1000000 times.
i miss the way keru ignore the fact that i'm wet and shes dry and hugs me like mad.
i miss the way the kids smile and laugh in the lessons.
i miss everything about them.

2010-04-18T15:03:00.001+08:00

contemplating if i should go clubbing next week, should i ? I do want t drink so very badly.

Outing w hongyi not confirmed and i'm dying t just catch a late night horror movie and drink my ass away.

Life's no fun w the absence of old good alcohol once in a full moon.

2010-04-09T06:28:00.002+08:00

Listening t a song dap sent me like a few days ago. Look at the time now, 6.31am. What's amazing is, i just slept 3hrs ago and i woke up automatically myself. When work is in like what, 3.5hrs ? Ultimate crap.

I dont handle rejections well, i sounded i was like blabbering incoherently during my last blog post. I wonder how my life is gonna be like, handling rejections. I cant keep crying my sorry ass off all the times now right ? I cant keep calling alex / terence / chengyun / siewling when i cry. I cant keep getting low self esteem and stuffs.

Most importantly, i cant keep wallowing in self pity. Its just not right, no matter how much i wish t do that. But i just cant help it, imagine putting your effort in something, like much more effort compared t something else and get back shit in return.

Honestly, i know i'm no athletic material. I mean c'mon just look at me. I'm fat and hideous! Alright overstatement ( i'm trying t self console myself here ) , but still you get my drift. But not a lot of people know i swam almost up t 5 times a week during normal school hours. I know i slackened off during my attachment, and i regret it immensely. But for the past 1.5 weeks i woke up early, or ended work early just t get t spgg t train myself.

disappointed much ?

Hell yeah i'm disappointed. I managed t overcome my phobia for water like 2 weeks ago. Elson thinks i've made great improvement. I think, i've only made whimsical unoticeable improvements. I'm just disappointed in myself, i just want t find someone t fucking take the blame for my failure. But i cant do that, its not right besides only i know the answer best.

T make it worst, i quarrelled or rather, i lost my temper on someone i fear like mad. I honestly think he is being a ignorant insensitive egoistic jerk. I was crying and smsing him when i need t take the next test etc, and one of his replies pissed me off. Like hello ? I'm not the ungrateful sort you jackass, i am grateful for the free lessons and its not like i'm fucking sitting on the edge not doing anything t improve my swimming.

50bucks may mean peanuts t you but its a-shit-load t me. Considering that my attachment money is peanuts pay. He didnt have t remind me that i need t pay an additional 370$ for swimming lessons since i failed my Lifesaving 1 2 3. Its not like i'm not even trying t pass it, and i'm just making preparations for the next test in case i fail again.

We've t be realistic, i'm not swimming material. One failure and rejection makes me feel lousier than ever. So i definitely have t plan for the next failure. I'm not hoping nor anticipating i'll fail, i'm just thinking ahead for my peanut finances. Y'know what, i regret even apologising and typing a shit load t him. Its like a waste of my time, because he definitely wont understand and would never bother t.

I'm only apologising because i'm too fucking nice, and i need helmi's handphone number. How awesome is that? I find a nice friend in him, its nice talking t him. Someone realistic like jek, but in a male form. But hes much more sensitive compared t most of the people i know.

Most prolly gonna eat my lunch alone later, since the boys are all doing afternoon shift. i feel shitty. :( I dont want t eat alone, i dont want my mind t drift off t yesterday's events. I really hate it, fucking hate my wimpy attitude. Hopefully, as edwin says he'll sneak off t come see me eat. L-O-L. I'm lucky t be surrounded by nice people when i need them.

I've been skipping meals, back acne is returning and my mood is bustier than ever. Dont ask me why i skipped meals, i'm having gastric as i type. I feel different, like it isnt a new me anymore. Its like i'm destroying myself and leaving it in desitute.

Forget it, i dont even think i make sense here, i'm gonna relieve the pain in my tummy and cook some bland instant noodles.

i know my limits,
i'll never ask for what i dont deserve.

2010-04-08T23:44:00.002+08:00

Well, a pretty depressing post today again. What can i say ? I honestly cant phantom my thoughts, i cant seem t piece them together as well. First things first shall we ?

i failed my lifesaver 1 2 3.

Ah, there i said it. I'm feeling upset disappointed and all the shits. They told me my theory was power-tastic. But i only felt like it was more of a pity remark. I feel like a fucking loser. -cries- yes, i'm tearing a little but not yet. I'll only tear in the comfort of my bedroom at night. I'm afraid of crying tmr during lunch w the boys. Maybe our shift might be different, i dont know. But i'm afraid of crying.

So afraid, like how afraid i am of ____ . Only a few people knows the blanks. Victor, Veronica, Elson and Brian were great. Cheering me up and all. Victor did the most unexpected thing ever, he tried t hug me. Like L-O-L. I was really shocked, i know hes a damn nice guy. Like Muku, but hug me?! Veronica was patting my back, Elson was trying t help me talk t Uncle Robert. Brian ? Cool man ever, he never bothers about anyone, but he tried t cheer me up in the car by saying my theory was fantastic.

But i felt like that remark was more of pity. Oh well, i'm a ugly nerdy loser. Cant help it, born w it. Its not like i didnt try t pass this exam, i even tried t get the most insensitive and my most feared person other than my dad t help me. Not that he did helped much today.

I'm kind of tired of how things are working out. Attachment made me realise how visual things can be in the relationship aspect. And i do know where i stand, how bad i look how fat i am. I'll stop being visual and commenting on people. I'm gonna stop all of this because i'm one big fat loser myself.

Helmi and i were talking. He was telling me he had a crush on ____ and i was telling him my not-so-sure crush on ____. He said the sweetest thing ever, he said i'm nice t talk t and i'm clever. But i know i'm dumb. I wish his good feeling was right, but i know where i stand.

I'm gonna go t bed and cry my sorry ass off.

i know my limits,
i know i'm ugly,
i know where i stand.
i wont ask for something i cant get,
and i wont pursue something i'll never get.

2010-04-01T12:01:00.002+08:00

My last post was depressing. This one is going t be even worst. Nathaniel had been nice when i requested for help though i dont see my trainings going on anytime soon. Fucked up roster out yesterday made me able t attend the swimming exam on 8th April.

No one understands how i feel. i know very well i'm not prepared. My dad wont stop trying t console me by telling me i'm not bad as i think i am but i know i'm fucking downright horrible in swimming. My phobia of drowning is so fucking strong. I dont even know why i've the damn phobia. All thanks t titanic.

I'm just so upset and stressed up. The test's next thurs and i'm freaking out. Even being a baby swimming specialist doesnt seem t motivate me much. The stress and fear is overwhelming. My birthday buffet plans are mucked up. This is going t be the fucking worst year ever. Y'know what ? i cant stand office politics and people wont stop making life hard for you.

I need a break. All i can think of is how t improve my swimming and my work. Some customers been a bitch and i've t take it. I've t take the shit while other people earn from my misery. How fantastic is that ? Oh yeah, my life is so freaking awesome being sucked dry from bloodsuckers.

Work's at 2pm and i'm gonna go shower now. I really cant take it anymore. What makes it even better, i had a bad case of diarrhoea and stomachache this morning. Fuck, i woke up early and i cant even get t spgg t train.

Everything seems so fucked up.

I cant meet siewling. Plans not made, waiting for Nathaniel t reply see when he can help me in swimming so i can plan my tracyienny session w siewling. Life's fucked.

2010-03-29T16:07:00.002+08:00

I know i havent been blogging, too busy w itp shopping and all. Life's been a lil rocky lately, and theres training later which i kind of dread. I dont know what i'm afraid of later, i really dont. But i know one thing for sure, i fear Nat's tactless insensitive comments.

Only cy, huiling, josephine, mel and julian knows whats going on. I couldnt stop talking and lamenting how sad i was over his comments. Its not everyday he sees a horrible swimmer ( i mean me ) but its certainly not common sense t be insensitive. I'm resigned t the fate that hes how he is and i just have t be a tough bitch and show people what i'm made off. I'll no longer be upset and wallowing in self pity.

Lets stop talking about Nathaniel. I get tired of this topic, tired of my feeble and meek attitude. I dont even know why i fear him. Hes the only hot guy i dont bother t check out and the only guy i fear other than my dad. Oh my did i mention ? there was this extremely hot guy at robinsons the other day, julian told me t get real because they usually dont come back twice. So i'm gonna prove her wrong! I'm gonna hold on t my speck of hope that he would prolly come back. Thats till 17th april.

Work's been a breeze if you dont count the fact i got fucked by my supervisor twice yesterday. Like really, helen and daisy mama thinks i should just heck it off. And i think so too, why so serious? Its not i'm slacking off big time, besides their commission is like 10% based on my efforts. Whatever, i dont want t procrastinate anymore.

I cant wait t wear my 2 new jumpsuits i bought from tracyienny. I'm like nuts about jumpsuits and maxi dresses now. Especially jumpsuits. Oh my now that i'm loaded i keep throng-ing tracyienny's website t check out for new jumpsuits. they're a spending sin, really. :( Got my paycheck too, oh i just dont even want t see it.

When i saw Julian's paycheck i was like what the fuck kind of feeling. I'm sure Sufi felt that way too. Now i know why they keep making us push sales. -_- Rah, whatever. Dad's going overseas on april 22nd. Looks at Jo and Huiling. :D Vince wants t go clubbing like omg. I feels so bad for letting him know i go clubbing like once in a full moon. But on second thought, hes giving me free ticks t go. Why not right ? And he initiated it, not me. My guilt should lessen indefinitely right ? I dont know man, but i dont feel so innocent anymore.

Tuning in t power 98 now. ITP is fucking boring, raffles city has nothing t shop or look at. All thanks t huiling i blew my budget on this Mphosis jumpsuit which costs 56.90$. Dad's coming home, i hope his interview went well. :) Planning my virgin pub trip t terence during dad's stint in china.

He was telling me he would be fucking wasted by the end of the night. And i said then i'll consider what i want t wear again. And he was like pls leh, i've a healthy sex life. I was thinking why was he talking about sex all of a sudden. And then he mentioned he doesnt grope people when hes drunk. Like what the heck! He thought i was gonna consider what i want t wear because of this drunk people = rapists kind of thing. Heck NO?! I was thinking of wearing something cheaper, not my favourite kind of clothing so i wont feel so upset when he pukes on me. HAHAHAHAHAH.

Its hilarious how things are related t sex. Especially in the view of another. Gonna slap him whenever he cant talk right. Hes determined t get drunk, and i'm determined t stay sober because i dont want my mum t freak out. :O Though i guess i'm just gonna get t sch the next day without hitting home. Nerd much.

Alright, thats it. Training at sembawang later. On second thought, Nat might not be there. :D Like hurraaaaaaaay! Hes a great coach, but i fear him. And i hate his tactless comments. Like what they always say, if you've nothing inspirational nor decent t say, just shut the fuck up.

Good day.

2010-03-21T14:44:00.002+08:00

I wasnt planning t blog, like honestly. My blog's been dead for 28535829098023556 years since i last blogged and though i do have a bull load of cheerful things t blog about, i'm just plain lazy.

But Huiling ( Chester Loren Promoter ) propelled me t blog. :) Shes my new fling at work. She randomly sms-ed me t ask why i was missing from work, i bet shes missing me loads. Jo even called me this morning t ask why i didnt attend work and w her hubby's pic enticing me t get t robinsons. But i'm having my off day, no way in hell am i going back there today.

Cy and i used t converse a full chunk of corny cheesy terms t each other and i realised, Huiling is the exact replica of Cy in that sense, only in mandarin. Its hilarious when i publicly proclaim my love for HL in Robinsons, i still remember how a customer freaked the shit out because he thought we were lesbians.

like what the heck!

It only proves that my acting has gone beyond the horizons, i should go t mediacorp for a interview. Work's been pretty fine, hanging out w the girls ( jo, HL, Julian etc ) and my fellow school mates Zachary and Sufi was satisfying. Though the both of them are taking MCs on days i dont know when, i think i'll get on just fine since i've the girls t hang out with.

I've been pretty much maintaining my weight though my intake for food drastically increased. Oh did i mention ? I was so excited yesterday, because i spotted over 6 hot hunks at work yesterday. *squeals* Like, thats a big distraction from work. Like, really! :O Its like record high yesterday, and i was busy showing pointing and stuffs t HL and Jo. Jo was like either saying i'm blind or yes yes not bad but i like hairy boys better. Like ewwww.

HL was totally not interested. :( Julian was busy attending her sex-ed talk w the promoter aunties during her steaming clothes routine. I call it sex-ed talk because thats what they usually talk about, this auntie was hilarious. She told us t google gay and that a dick pic would turn up and all. And she was fucking open about it as she openly gauged the size of the dick w her fingers. Julian was squealing in reluctance because she claims shes very innocent.

I was laughing like mad. Considering the fact that the auntie was 40plus and still single. LOL. You get my drift, but shes funny. She never fails t play facebook every night she goes home, that restaurant game. She loves cooking she said, in facebook. Like what the hell.

The aunties were pretty bearable and fun, auntie annie was the best. She was like constantly looking out for me and giving me tips here and there. I genuinely like her. Shes nice. Oh did i mention? Theres this cute guy working at the bed linen section. Like, oh my god. :O Julian prefers her bespectacled eyecandy who hasnt been arriving t work for the past 2 weeks. -_- At least mine is like 3metres away, watchable and all.

But, hes shorter than me. :( Okay, maybe not, but same height. But, hes nice! :D He smiled at me a few times when we made eye contact. Though we never talked and all. *heart melts* Nah, just kidding. It just feels good t be acknowledged by someone cute, what more someone who doesnt even know you but smiles at you. Sweet.

Customers were fine, oh and there was this british lady w the Queen's English kind of accent. Oh my, i was so envious. So very envious. Why am i borne in Singapore?! Why not Britain? WHY WHY WHY?! :(

Bought my nike flats yesterday and it was very expensive. $72.00 :( And i'm kind of mourning over the money because dad's paying for it. Jo and HL was saying i should buy immediately since dad was paying but i cant bear it! Its so muthafucking expensive. Dad encouraged me t buy it and i did. And i'm feeling and reeling from the guilt right now.

Training tomorrow and i believe i can do it. I watched a dvd on the secret of life. Its on the law of attraction, on how you keep thinking positively on things you want, things you want t have and achieve and imagining that you already have it. And how the universal force propels these things t you. Monetary needs etc all of the exist.

So, i'm gonna start thinking positively. List of things i want;

1. i want my first $10000 in this year.
2. i want t get a gpa of 3.8.
3. i want t pass my life saver test.
4. i want a healthy lifestyle.
5. i want t exprience true love.
6. i want t have my first car by 25 years old.
7. i want t get into uni.

I'm gonna think of the things i'm grateful for in my life, write down what i want and believe in it. Spend 5 mins in the morning thinking about it and at night. I'm gonna believe in my own ideas and dream, because i know and believe i can.

I've been trying t be positive the whole day, but my mum has been nagging since 12pm. And i'm trying t stop getting angry. i lost count the number of times i almost lost my temper but i continued talking t her in a nice tone.

Okay, thats it. goodbye.

2010-03-09T21:36:00.002+08:00

I havent been blogging for days, shit weeks even. And dear old singapore is hit w a bigass scandal; jack neo is having a condemned affair w someone, 3 years older than me.

Let me briefly introduce;
wendy chong - the 3rd party 22 yr old shameless young lady.
jack neo - the unfaithful Singapore's version of Tiger Woods alike.
Mrs Neo - his incredibly calm and generous wife.

When my mum excitedly told me about the news 2 days ago, i thought for a moment, she might be kidding me. But no, it was true and all over the damned papers. I read only 3/4 of what i should be reading, i missed out on the part where wendy chong described her places of tryst. Honestly, what can a 50year old man give t a 22 year old woman sexually ? I dont mean t demean men at this age but seriously, a bloody girl w brains will know what i mean. Dont tell me men's libido is still the same as when hes in his late 20s and 50s. Theres a fucking huge difference.

Alright so back t topic, i dont get it as t why everyone was blaming wendy chong for exposing the tryst, going t jack neo ( JN ) house and requesting t see his wife. She was like being flamed or dissed like mad for this incident and whats worst was, people think she deserves more damnation than JN. Just what the fuck is wrong with singaporeans ?!

I admit, she was downright shameless and skin as thick as concrete to actually have the cheek t describe her places of tryst, this point i honestly in the view of a woman, i condemn her. Not just condemn, shes like dumb t the point of no return, worst than a bimbo in my opinion. I'm 19 and i know i wont ever describe and seek for fame and attention in this aspect, oh my. Shes 22 and shes feeling unbashed while gleefully or rather revengefully describing the places of tryst. I cant imagine her family's shock, shes lucky her family still accepts her. I think i'll be disowned the moment my family knows about this.

Wendy chong, the surname sounds familiar. Like annabel chong. Okay thats explicit content alr. Lets stroll back t topic, honestly she has disgraced all women on this surface of earth through her despicable act of proudly seeking publicity through her detailed content of the tryst. What pisses me more is her unrepentance and her sheer audacity. This is the only point i can see she deserves utmost condemnation.

I read yahoo replies and crap, everyone was blaming wendy chong well technically. In fact, they were blaming her much more than they were blaming JN! Isnt this hilarious ? Its like telling me, a woman can reproduce without the help of a sperm. Oh nice, so we all reached a new low of intelligence. If i could, i would put a thumbs up sign like how ss always does t signal the word; nice. I guess everyone was too blinded by the fact that he seemed t be a very repentant well known director and he was most probably presumed t have been seduced by wendy.

I beg t differ. JN's audacity t woo another lady ( mentioned today ) merely confirmed my suspicions that he, was indeed the main initiated party for an affair. Like what the papers have been saying lately about Tiger Woods, his innate desire t impregnate excessively t create offsprings w the intelligence and genes of his. I suppose JN is like that too, at least t all talented people applied. Dont tell me this joke of JN going t have t get t a therapy centre for sex addiction. I read an article on sex addiction and was told that it subsequently doesnt exist. At least thats what another psychologist feels.

I agree, humans need t fucking stop associating their vices or mistakes with some psychological disease t make themselves feel fucking better or t give people the impression that they didnt commit that mistake on purpose but rather; my disease made me do this. :( Its like a 17yr old forgetting t have meals because she is deemed t have suffered from some what, brain cells deficit disease or some psycological dementia.

Moving on, sorry i get side tracked at times, it just riles me t think of these despicable men and women on earth sharing the same water and shit w me. _l_

JN was immediately forgived by a minister i decline t mention. Its mentioned in the newspaper, i cant remember when. I was flabbergasted. Do you see people forgiving Tiger Woods? I dont think so, even his wife took a few weeks t forgive him. What disgusted me was his good role model image in S'pore and the unrepentance in his soul. He dint even fucking put the affair blame on himself.

both parties were rash and the affair was a Mistake.

Oh yeah, go tell Tiger Woods that he made over 13 mistakes of affairs. Go t a psychologist and tell him/her you have some mistake commitment problem which wont stop. Both parties were rash ? I can accept that if it was a one night stand, but you call a 2 yr r/s rash? Hilarious, absolutely hilarious. It wasnt so rash when you were fucking wendy for the past 2 years ? Oh so it didnt occur t you that staying in the same r/s with the same person for over a month is not considered rash. It would be an overstatement t call you a jock, because you dont have the looks and body t match up t it. Dont tell me Wendy chong offered herself t you and you got seduced by her for the next 2yrs. Only a man with weak willpower and immense libido temptation would commit infidelity.

I read in some netizens yahoo reply that JN divorced his first wife when she was very sickly in the hospital and that he divorced her because she had some illness. If this was true, i would honestly say he deserves t burn in hell. It really shows what kind of person he really is, i'm disgusted by the educational movies he makes which aims t educate us morally when he himself, is happily divorcing his 1st wife because of an illness ( not confirmed but i read it ), happily fucking a girl old enough t be his grandaughter and happily cheating on his wife and dismissing affair as a mistake.

It just repulses me t think that a man with a moral standard like him is trying t educate a large audience in singapore. Who does he think he is ? Mother theresa ?

Fuck, dad's home.

Gonna go offline now. ITP tmr and i'm gonna swim after work. Because i'm getting fat and lazy. I'm upset and tensed lately but i dont know why.

One last point, its men like Tiger Woods and JN make me have a fear or marriage, and even makes me wonder if my dad is doing the same thing. Theres like this fucking insecurity, because if he can do it everyone else can. Just a random thought.

Had a great day w cy. :)

Picnic, kites and beaches here we come!

2010-03-02T13:34:00.002+08:00

Came online just t check out this video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI&feature=related it was like freaking hilarious. I know its pretty mean of me building my happiness on someone else's misery but you should have seen her. she was a total darling.

Alright i'm gonna go off now. I even uploaded the link on facebook. Cheers!

A day of fun awaits me after tomorrow, i'm gonna start my swimming regime and manage my itp as much as i can.

2010-02-28T15:28:00.003+08:00

Drinking calamansi drink as i throng through F21 website. Thanks for the information gladys, you totally made me go crazy over F21 and wholesale-dress.net :(

Law's fine, at least thats what i think. I hope they come out the same as past yr papers so i wont be shocked at the exam venue and start stabbing myself or something. my mp3 died on me, and i've no choice but t use back my old phone, W910i because i cant live without justin bieber for the time being.

Binge ate yesterday again and worried the hell outta my mum. She was forcing me t stop eating, not that i was even stopping but still. She skipped work t make sure i didnt force feed myself today. T my horror, she force fed me today LOL. what can i say?

Amusing as it is, i know i'm gaining weight. Fast. Gonna push myself t a swimming marathon on wed so i wont feel so guilty for gorging myself lately.

Gonna touch HRM tonight.

Eyed 3 pieces of clothing i want t get. Showed them t ss and he thought one of the tube top looked like a maid uniform. Thanks, for the holy description.

And i still think, my ass is sexier.

Goodbye.

2010-02-26T21:10:00.002+08:00

I didnt know i was depressed, until i started stuffing my face w pasta. Literally gorged, imagine your mouth full of food and you keep feeding yourself t the point of choking. Ketchup was all over my mouth, and my mouth was so stuffed i couldnt bite. But i still continued stuffing.

The only thing i thought of was pscm. I couldnt stop stuffing and i dont know why. I cooked myself a pack of noodles right after having pasta. Needless t say, i stuffed myself like mad again. That wasnt all, i had 3 oranges after that and 3 bars of chocolate. I'm sucking on a lollipop now. Going for supper w my family later when dad arrives.

I'm dreading what he will ask. I cant stop crying and eating. It just wont stop, i cant stand my mouth being empty.

Fats didnt matter anymore, i kept stuffing and i'm scared. Of what i've become, i know i'm crumbling but i didnt expect it t be this scary.

I felt like a third party watching myself stuff non stop. I wouldnt stop, and i'm reaching for a bar of chocs now.

i'm giving up, just like how everything gave up on me.

my computer, mp3, studies and my life.

2010-02-25T23:06:00.003+08:00

FM was fucked, and i'm wondering if pscm would be too.

Struggling w all the past yr papers.

Please bless me w at least a B.

After my exams, i'll be busy w swimming and my itp. Can life get any worst? I dont seem t ever have like fucking rest time. I'm always rushing t do something here and there. Hectic nuts, i dont feel like a young adult anymore.

I feel like a bloody workaholic.

fuck my life.

please, i really want t do well for pscm blaw and hrm.

god please.

2010-02-24T23:40:00.002+08:00

FM was fucked up, i dont want t dwell on it. I did dwell on it for a shit load of time, and i decided t stop wallowing in self pity.

Chengyun pointed out something, majority the boys i like have S as their first letter. Dont want t say who but you know. ah, i told ss i had a crush on him before and all, he was totally cool w it. I feel so much better telling him.

Gonna go for blaw tmr, and chiong pscm. God bless me.

I want t go clubbing again. :(

I think i'm really hooked on it. i dont know why, i alr have in mind who t call the next time i go.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck, stop!

PSCM BLAW HRM.

Pretty disappointed because i know FM is a goner and my 3.0gpa is shit gone. Never mind, i'll be a geek like ss and start studying.

Gonna aim all As from now on, no more Bs.

Stuck w justin bieber now. Hes a freaking sexy singer, oh my god. :)

Chengyun, justin's mine. Stop insisting hes yours. Hes MINE MINE MINE, so is baby david archuleta. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

If a guy sings any of their songs t me, i'll go all drama. :O

Fine, bye!

2010-02-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

My legs still hurt like hell, especially when i climb or do down the stairs. Tired like nuts, couldnt resist taking an hr nap earlier. And i'm busted for fm, i havent even started. :(

I'm really tired and exhausted. I didnt expect my legs t be so terribly aching and all. Considering the fact that i've been an exercise freak in swimming. Much more than what i used t be, no ? Chengyun isnt replying me and i think shes showering.

Dad said he was gonna call me, but he hasnt called yet. Holy jesus, look at the time. Not that i'm going t sleep anytime soon but yeah. Its just he hasnt waited so long t give us a call before. Nah, i'm not worried. Just curious.

As i'm blogging, i bloody miss miki and jo. I miss her house actually, and i dont know why. Especially miki, the cute fat miniature schauzer. I think the spelling is wrong, not that i'm gonna change it away but still!

I MISS MIKI!

I miss her standing on two legs and putting her two front paws on my lap, giving me those innocent heart melting puppy dog eyes to entice me into sharing some of my chicken rice w her. Which i eventually did, i mean who could bear t give her that?! Shared half of the amount of chicken in my chicken rice w her man, good gracious.

Jo? I miss her for no authentic reason. HAHAHAHA. Nah, i miss the talks we had, ranging from the supernatural t those bitchy girly guy talks. And i miss the way she swears in hokkien profanities, its hilarious. Everytime i see and hear her swear, it never fails t crack me up. She looks fierce when she says it, but i think she looks fucking cute when she swears.

I'm straight people, straight. It just so happen spending 2 days w her on a close proximity made me notice her more. Her mum was so sweet t give me an angbao! :) Great, now my angbao is 76bucks. Okay so the effects of recession is only a miserly 4bucks. I cant imagine how many years of disappointment i can live with on my angbao money.

I'm never gonna doll up damn nice for cny anymore, no more nail polishes, no more make up, no more expensive > 35$ dresses, no more buying of new shoes, no new perfume, no new phone, no new clothes no no no! I can never recoup my losses if this continues, like never ever.

Missing my baby now. Sigh, i havent seen baby for like what, 1month?! I dont know if i should be happy theres one less distraction or sad because i havent seen my baby for like 1 month. ITP is gonna start soon and i'm bloody fucking disappointed i'm not co-working w chengyun. Cheapo D! :( We really dont have fate, at least not strong enough t last t work together in ITP. I wonder how the staffs at my workplace are like. I hope they're not demanding nor jackasses because, my short temper will surely get the better of me.

I dont want t receive a warning letter like after 2 weeks of work holy mama cow.

Alright, gonna have a chat w ss and suan before i sleep. Fuck next week's lifesaver test. I'm so unfortunate t have sooo many events clashing together at the same time. FML.

2010-02-20T13:26:00.002+08:00

Yesterday night was a blast. Though the music wasnt high and all, plus the absence of de glen considering the fact that only me and jo went t rebel. Joycelyn ( jo's friend ) came at about 1am ? Yes, both of them have the same name. -_- and hell, they click very well. I lost count the number of times i asked jo what time jo was coming. Jo was like; i dont know why she never reply me. :(

It was fun, at least we werent totally alone because we saw jo's friend. They were pretty okay, and thanks for the drinks boys! I was bloody high and thirsty and i think its because i drank a shit load. I couldnt stop drinking, and no i wasnt drunk. I just kind of got thirsty, and my face was getting hot and i can feel the music pounding in my chest.

Jo thought i was getting drunk and she didnt allow me t drink. Until i promised her i wouldnt get drunk. And, she gave me a big kiss and a cut on my arm. Thanks babe. I didnt realise there was a cut and that it was bleeding a little until i went t the toilet. Sure it was painful, but i didnt expect blood. She was apologetic and kept forcing me t wash the wound, but i couldnt be bothered. It was like sucha smaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllll cut.

Alright so i'm happy because i exercised like mad. Dancing really helps t lose weight nan good grief. I was dancing t the point that, my hair was wet. Like shower-wet. Dont give me that look, i'm serious. My hair was bloody wet. And i was soooo awkward w someone, i had t get a shield. Enough said, i had two shields last night. Hilarious, they were acting like virgin boys, but its fine because i dont like touchy jerks. I felt so bad man, -looks at jo's sarcastic smirk. She was totally understanding and sticking t lewis the whole night.

The two shields never fail t remind me that, that bespectacled man has bloody good determination. Seriously, they were supposed t be my shield and stop him from getting close. And they kept disturbing me saying how cute that boy was, awww how determined he was. Totally pissed me off. -_- Still act like some, virgin boy. Bloody hell! But it was fun hanging out w them because they always make hilarious comments t make you LOL.

And its random. Like random random. They kept giving that boy sorry looks, and them turning back t me and start laughing. Awkward, i bet he saw everything. And i hate it when people are tall, my head was so tired from looking up and talking t people. Okay, t be fair, they also had t lower their head t talk t me. But still, i was very tired.

After it ended, jo wanted big mac. The new jo wanted cup noodles. Jo gave the new jo a very irritated pissed off look because, i had cup noodles for lunch that day. She was complaining as t why we were so nuts about cup noodles. So she decided t go t mac t get her big breakfast. Biggest joke ever, they told her it was sold out. She was so pissed she couldnt stop swearing. It was hilarious, new jo and i couldnt stop laughing at her.

Thats like the most classical answer we can ever get from macs; our big breakfast is sold out. Jo kept saying she wanted t burn down macs because it pissed her off by not providing her w the big breakfast she wants.

Like what the heck. I decided t go on diet and drank iced milo for breakfast at like, 4.45am. We went t 7-11 t get new jo's chicken cup noodles which upsettingly, was oos in the brand she wanted. Jo was more pissed off and she said, we ought t burn down 7-11 too. LOL! New jo and I was laughing like mad. In the end, despite complaining about cup noodles, silly jo got tom yam cup noodles and new jo got chili crab cos chicken was oos. Funniest thing was when new jo was choosing her cuppa noodles, she chose chili crab and put it back, then took seafood, then started talking t herself, then put back again. -_-

She looked at the noodles for like a mere 5 secs and decided on chili crab. Was sooo tired, they decided t cab home. Its been ages since i last sat in one, the driver was bloody fast. The two girls were happily sipping their hot soups and devouring their yummy noodles while poor me, was sitting there with just a cuppa ice milo which was fast disappearing. -_-

We had a nice chat and all, new jo is a damn sweet girl. Not that i didnt expect it but she was like really down t earth and all despite being rich and stuffs. I like her! :) At a holy time of 5.40am, we reached jo's house. Damn tired, my legs were wobbly and my toes were numb. Not numb from dancing, but numb from being stepped on my people. It even has a blue black bruise there now. The hardest step was worst because i was being stepped on by someone i know and not someone unknown. Stupid Shield 1 stepped so bloody hard, shield 2 was at first worried when i suddenly stop dancing and grabbed my leg. Until shield 1 apologised and i glared at him did he started laughing at me when i massaged my leg, shield 1 was very apologetic but still, i think i got that blue black from his step.

ARGH! :(

Still, i was looking forward t seeing miki when i reached jo's house. But i think miki was locked in her uncle's room. Jo claimed that she wanted t have a 10mins nap and she ended up sleeping on the bed all intact. Make up, contacts, clothes and all. Not including the makeup tools on her bed plus powder plus perfume we didnt keep before we left the house. I was very very very tired, but i pushed myself up t remove my contacts and clear her bed. So, she would have a nicer sleep. She must be knocked out cold, she was lying on a big bot of powder and she didnt even feel it, and continued sleeping like a pig.

Could hear miki whining for jo in her uncle's room. I secretly opened t door t get her out, but she obviously was attracted t the aircon in her current room. i could only make out her furry statue whining at me. -_- so i just closed the door and went t bed.

Couldnt sleep well, slept till 10am and i woke up to shower and all. Considered the fact that, i slept from 7am-5pm the last time i went St Powerhouse. My legs hurt like hell now, and i really lost weight. My tummy decreased in size despite suffering from constipation for 2 consecutive days.

Had chicken rice, and some really sweet bonding time w miki and jo. New jo said jo and i looked close, but weird thing is i only hung out w jo like thrice? Twice was in a club which i assume is a awesome bonding time w her since we seem so close together. :) Did i mention? I lost the 2 jos in the club. I thought new jo told me jo was w lewis and some place. So i abandoned S1 t go find jo, only t see myself lost. -_- i was like where the hell is she?! I was more frantic than sad, i was soooooo afraid jo would go off w lewis and forget about me.

Considering the fact that i've nothing on me. i walked up and down and S1 saw me, he pulled me aside and asked if i was lost. Good grief, its so obvious ah? He asked me t stand beside him at the counter till the 2 jos appear. Thats when i got t know S2. But they're nice, I was telling them, i'll cry if i cant find them in 10mins. They gave me this horrified look and started talking t me t keep me occupied. -_- I saw th two jos arguing as they walked omg was i happy. i practically ran towards them. Jo told me new jo was very worried when i got lost, and new jo was scolding her for ps-ing me. Awww, so sweet.

Still slacking at jo's house because i cant bear t leave miki. :( Jo is sleeping and i'm bored out of my mind. Gonna go have some dog-human bonding time w miki now! stupid glen refused t go yesterday and hes asking me out tonight. Really felt like slapping him man. He kept reminding me that fm exam was near and all and it is bad timing t club, and tonight hes going clubbing. Hello?! Isnt today a nearer date t next tues' exam?

*rolls eyes* Guys are so contradicting at times. I'm a happy girl, gonna get my ass home in 30mins and start my hardcore mugging on FM. :)

So gonna go w the 2 jos the next time round. :D

Okay i need t focus, good grief.

Goodbye.

2010-02-17T07:22:00.002+08:00

Listening t Harry on Power 98 because i woke up too bloody early. Like omfg look at the bloody time! Its a holy, 7.09am and mind you, i woke up at 6.00am. Reading the papers and unfortunately a futile trip t the toilet. Feeling shitty today too.

Contemplating if i should cook because the swensens lunch is only at 12pm later. -_- And i'm alr starving now, i've been eating like nobody's business for the past 3 days. And i havent exercised at all. Thats a downer, like really big downer. My tummy like increased thrice in size and holy crap, my face is getting fatter.

Cny was the worst in the recent years because i had bad cramps, and i couldnt get my mood up. Angbao money is pathetic. Holy nuts, only 70bucks. :(

Decision made, i'll cook maggie w egg beancurd and 6 bloody prawns! :D

Goodbye.

2010-02-15T20:40:00.002+08:00

Cny was ruined by my cramps.
my dress was not brand new,
and it was a lil shitty yesterday.
terribly disappointed,
but still, this is cny!

I'm disappointed in my cramps and money.

what else ?

I'm geared for friday.

2010-02-11T21:05:00.002+08:00

I'm alright now, i sound like a freaking lunatic on my last post. i know. please do not remind me because i'm very shocked t read my last post too. I sounded so depressed upset and frustrated that i couldnt believe i went through that. No guy has ever made me react that way, what's worst is he doesnt even know. I feel amusingly dumb now. Go on, laugh at how naive and silly i am.

Oh well, i was really pissed the day after and all. Still upset now especially when i think of it but hey, jek is right. I gotta suck it up and be myself though its gonna take some time but i feel like its better already. Though i cant say, oh my i look average i still feel like i look fugly mode but i guess i need more time t get over that. At least, i'm laughing. Amanda always does these hilarious stuffs t crack you up, shes like a 360 degree change all of a sudden.

The rest? Still as sick, amusing and silly as ever. But its cool, we're all having fun. And i want t thank jek for the fierce email, smses and all. Weiling for her fierce words too, luchella? For pretending t see if i'm okay by talking t me in msn, for no reasons at all. Chengyun by listening t me on the phone and all, mallory for listening as well. Life's sucha superficial bitch, but i cant help it, i'm superficial too.

Whatever, not like i'm really so mean and bimbotic but still, i am superficial.

He is a bloody proof that i am superficial. And i'll stop being superficial, and swear off guys for a indefinite time. I'm tired of being sad over something ridiculous, i dont want my whole body to radiate heat when i see him, i dont want my face t blush, i dont want my mouth t go dry, i dont want my heart t exercise rapidly because i'll get a heart attack in times t come.

I'm still sad all of a sudden, his face keeps popping and i feel awful. Talking t alex and hes facing the fucking same situation. Terence told me he has these all the time, and i was telling myself no wonder we're great sisters. Now alex is facing it too, welcome t the club darling A. The three of us make up the fucked up musketeers. :)

I'm gonna start a club called, The person you like, always end up liking a friend of yours, not once baby, but always. Terence, me and alex are gonna be the first three members of the group.

But, i'm not letting it happen a third time. Because first was hell, second was blasting shit. So, i'm going t swear off guys for now. Alex disagrees with me but i believe its for the best. I dont know what i'll do if the third time happens, i'll prolly jump off suntec building or cut my wrists i dont know. So why not save myself the pain, and be a happy spendthrift bitch who throngs shopping malls online malls and spree sites buying gorgeous pieces for her main pleasure and beauty ?

Okay, i got t stop obessing over vs clothes because i saw a few dresses i liked. Crap nuts, gotta run.

only you can make me go on my knees and make me cry.

2010-02-09T21:33:00.002+08:00

Just t make myself feel fucking better, i'm meeting jo next fri for a study session which i believe wont be frutiful because we're gonna end up bitching some crap anyway.

And then clubbing at night. I know, i'm too innocent and its not decent for me right ? But i dont really care, its like a huge distraction t me.

Lastly, stayover at terence's. I hope these two events will keep me going. It better, if not i'll lose my mind.

I have t keep convincing myself that i will be fine, i will be fine, i will be fucking fine.

2010-02-09T20:40:00.002+08:00

Feeling immensely disappointed in no one but myself. What can i say? Honestly, i should have seen it coming. But hey, i've always been dim witted, cant help it if i'm dumb in nature. I'm only blogging because i'm really fucking upset.

And blogging never fails t make me feel better. Though my writing is shit and all, but you people just have t endure it. If you want t read, then continue if not, just fuck off. Because i'm not interested in hearing people talking about how sad my god damn imbecile life is. Because i already know it fucking is miserable. You dont have t keep reminding me or shit, because i wont fucking listen.

Anyway these few days has been nothing but hell. I thought i was really happy, technically yes i am happy. Much happier than the 2 weeks of fucking hell i had t went through. But my thoughts kept drifting t someone else. And that makes me feel awful, because i'm not supposed t think about it. I'm supposed t be sucking it up and act like nothing is wrong and totally forget it. But no, my brain insists i should remember, and so does him because he pops up at the most unexpected time.

Life's fucked, mark my words, life's always fucked. For me at least, but i really cant complain. Because i do nothing and my project results always come back in aces. My results are satisfactory, especially for FM. I didnt study as hard and i got an 80. Totally unexpected, i didnt expect myself t juggle both swimming and education. At least theres something i can say, i'm doing reasonably fine in. And not like, fuck i'm wrong fuck i'm doing it bloody wrong fuck i'm totally useless.

Like exactly how i am feeling now. Though for very wrong reasons, my self esteem is at the bottom pit, much worst than the swimming thing before. But this time was different, i hate myself for every single thing that happened today. Fuck my stupid thinking, fuck my innocence and naviety.

INNOCENCE AND NAVIETY SHOULD BE DAMNED T THE 18TH LEVEL OF HELL.

These two vices dont belong together, they should be sticking with humans. They, should be fucking banished t hell. I've had enough of these two dumbass vice in my life. I've had enough, fucking bloody enough.

It isnt the first time this kind of thing happened, the last time it happened they became a couple till now. I'm totally fine with the second time t repeat history. But i'm sure, i'm swearing off boys. They're nothing but trouble t me, nothing but fucking trouble. I need t stop being like maltese on heat and pounce on guys.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ROMANCE, I'M MOVING ON T SOLITUDE.

I'm serious, i'm fucked, my lovelife is fucked. Always has been always will be. Someone mentioned that deep down, i would be disliking someone because she was the apple of the eye. Actually, i was wondering why it wasnt the case with me. I didnt dislike wynne nor did i dislike anyone else. Am i fucking abnormal?

Oh maybe i am, i'm freak face. Arent I ? But still, i thank the fucking gods above for what situation i am in right now. Please for your holy wand sake, stop making me like people and start making my swimming improve. For god sake pls, nothing else matters than being pretty, doing well in my education and swimming well.

These 3 are my priorities, as i mentioned nothing else beats t these 3.

My self esteem is fucking retardly low now, and i feel like i'm the ugliest fattest dumbest bitch on earth. Cant help it, it was proved right again and again. Not once, but fucking cb twice.

I know i swore in hokkien, i am just feeling flabbergasted w my stupidity.

Btw, i dont hate you. You'll always be my close friend.

One last phrase; FUCK MY LIFE. :)

2010-02-03T23:52:00.002+08:00

I'm touched t receive the handmade letter written by jek, cut by luchella and with the love put in it from all the 7 eggs. :) Thank you so much girls, its not the picture which made me happy, its the words and love. -_-

Rough day today, almost died. Fuck that guy who kicked my head when i was swimming, totally ruin my momentum when i was doing so well and all. asshole!

Swimming was a disappointment but sean cheered me up like always. :D Damn love t tickle his fats, hes bloody ticklish and a big asshole.

Alright, goodnight.

i'll stop being i go further,
i dont want t be hurt again.
i dont want t wish for something i know i wont have.
i dont want t deceive myself and let it go on.
i want t be normal.
like how i used t be.
single and carefree.

2010-01-31T20:46:00.003+08:00

The shower was awesome, no i didnt get t see the black bumblebee. Thank god i didnt, i dont know what i would have done if i did. I would have most prolly screamed the whole house down, yes i believe i would have done just that.

Zhiming's nick was hilarious, du lan la - quit army. I being a noob, thought quitting the army was possible so i enquired him about it. He was totally lol-ing at my dumb question. Jackass. And the topic veered from v-cards t him jogging alot lately. He was telling me, i'm gonna go run later wooohoo, orgasms! I was totally like, you dont get orgasms from running dude. He was totally giving me that dont-you-correct-me-attitude. Ahahahahahahaha jerk!

Kind of cheerful today, maybe because jon taught me several stuffs. Poor guy had t be evacuated from brunei during training because they couldnt feel his pulse. And here he is getting upset he didnt get his jungle cc badge. I'm actually more relieved he didnt get it, the conditions he mentioned were horrendous. I cant believe someone can survive under such conditions, oh well i've been in my comfort zone for far too long.

Training tomorrow and i'm kind of dreading it. Because my new swimsuit looks fugly, like fugly fugly. Good grief, it looks so awful and its muthafucking expensive. I havent let dad paid for someone so expensive for my own personal use alr, and i feel pretty darn awful.

I have the sudden urge t swim a few laps during the morning break before i get t the pscm lecture in the afternoon. Been eating a lot lately and its draining me out. I can feel myself gaining weight, and that sucks. Its the first time i'm sooo overly concerned on my pathetic weight. Really, its a surprise.

Gonna hang out w alex once my dad goes overseas. We're gonna pig out on hawker fare and go cycling! I totally cant wait for that day t come. :)

I'm so very tired, gonna leave the house at 6.30am so i can reach sch in time by 7.15am for the presentation. Gawd, look at my eyebags!

Gonna go chiong my sm alr, look at my poor face. :(

goodbye.

i miss my friends.

2010-01-31T13:21:00.002+08:00

I'm contemplating my moves for the shower later. Theres this humongous bee hogging the whole damned kitchen, like no one dares t enter because of it. -_- Mind you, its a fat, black and huge bee.

I thought it wouldnt make much of a difference and all but oh well, stupid bee. A shower makes a shit load of difference. I thought having been awake for 3hrs wouldnt make a difference well it does, i feel so god darn sticky all over. And i showered yesterday night. Double pawned.

Hell, i cant take it anymore.

I'm just gonna get my sorry ass into the showers and if the bee appears, fuck i'm gonna start thrashing and pouring pails of water on the bee.

2010-01-30T13:37:00.002+08:00

Just when i thought things were getting better, it kind of got worst. What can i procrastinate about ? Hell lot of crap, disappointments and stuffs in my life right now. Reports are a mess, pscm is shit - i can alr vision the view of results.

Immensely disappointed in myself, what can i say ?

Swimming was mucked up yesterday when it started raining.

Life's so fucked at times, i dont know what t say. Its like a 360 degree turn in luck, and adding on with his never ending unreasonable character, its driving me nuts.

Yes if you girls wondered, he did give me hell at night. Will elaborate when i come online in msn or crap. Going out for lunch and t get my new swimming costume now.

should i?
Okay, i better stop this craziness.
Oh good grief,
aries horoscope has a escalating love life today.
ahhhhh fuck.

2010-01-29T14:59:00.002+08:00

Wednesday's training was screwed.

Yesterday's presentation was fucked.

But i'm glad i got t know people who care and okay, eyecandy! :D

I'm not gonna deny yesterday's incident didnt make me happy, but i'm really glad my friends were there for me and all. Chengyun, thanks for listening t me over the phone and all. I most prolly freaked the hell outta her, but really. Thanks. :)

Okay, so jo did the impossible. And i dont know what else t say, t what she did.

SHE ADDED HIM!

LIKE, OMFG ?

no comments, i'm pissed off now because i didnt bring my spgg card.

And i'm prepared from head t toe for training later.

what t do ?

Ahhhhhhh crap, gonna screw it once and for all.

2010-01-26T16:07:00.002+08:00

I dont know what t say here, feeling bad and all for neglecting this online dumping site of mine, but hey you cant blame a poly student for having so many god damn-ed projects right ?

Been feeling inadequate lately, this feeling of emptiness is scaring me. Oh well, maybe i'm just feeling like life doesnt have a specific meaning for me anymore. It always, project, swimming, project swimming. Gawd, i feel so zombie-like. Ah, life of a poly student seems so disappointing right now.

People on my right are working their asses off for FM and here i am, blogging. -_-

I dont feel the urgency anymore, please do not ask me why, because i'm clueless as well. Swimming as usual is a disappointment because i'm still last in class. Though i did manage t make a few new friends like shaleen ( wrong spelling i suppose ), veronica and shawn. Shawn's an ass 90% of the time, psychologically challenged kid as well. But hes a joy t be with, *rolls eyes* if you get what i mean.

So i shall be nice, shawn is cute! Maybe because hes a caucasian and all, look at my serious face. *puts on serious face* Okay, i sound stupid. I thought he was fun t hang out with because it was hella fun disturbing him about his recent incident when his surfer pants slipped off in the pool. I only started teasing when he said i couldnt plunge and swim. -_-

Shaleen's real nice, and so was veronica. Full of joy and laughter, but we are all acting like mature adults, ahem Shawn. Oh alright, moving on.

I'm gonna say exactly what i feel in unspoken terms, so if you're not interested, the x at the top right hand corner is always there. Unless your com hangs or something.

Serenity surrounded the scenery i'm facing,
all i could think of are the failures,
disappointments and my under-achieved life.
Thinking if it would have turned out a different way,
if i acted different, worked harder or looked different,
Days of naviety are over.
I'm trying, but no one bothers,
at least they dont think i am.
What can i say ?
Cry and bawl it out ?
Or suck it up like a tough bitch i always do ?
whats worst was the oncoming feelings of some,
ridiculous crush.
Good gracious,
what is going on w me ?
I'm going nuts, i'm sure i am.

Alright, so my decision is made, i'm gonna suck it up like a tough bitch.

Bottle it up and one day it will be released when i'm dead and all. People always say i'm mean, sarcastic, being a bitch, ugly blah, selfish blah. Continue saying, because its true.

One person saying it doesnt make a difference, but it does when 10 people says it. And i'm believing it. I'm crumbling, t dust.

Some one once said, since we're his body why isnt his love showing ?

There's only two answers;
1. he doesnt exist.
2. his love doesnt show until we get our sorry asses t heaven or hell.

Both answers literally unknown, so why bother yourself thinking about it ?

I'm getting non-sensical and emotional here.

i'm always prepared t get rejected when i like someone.
Now, i'm always prepared t get rejected when i go t job interviews as well.

One too many hurts,
but life's a bitch.

2010-01-18T16:07:00.002+08:00

Today has been a disappointment.

The days of sick leave i took just wasnt bad enough, someone up above decided that it would be better if i lose my attachment job as well.

Well, i'm very disappointed w myself thats all. Okay perhaps disappointed w the way the world goes round, but really who bothers t care what I think ? Nah, no one. I'm too miniscule in the world, my existence doesnt make a difference as t whether the world rotates or not.

If i get knocked down by the car right now, the earth wont stop moving, school still goes on, everything goes on. Even the stupid chomel still goes on.

Fuck, i've swore never t buy anything from Chomel.

I'm here solo and wondering t myself if Chomel would have hired me if i was prettier ? Thats the only possibility i can think of them not hiring me, seriously.

I'm not going t wallow in self pity because i simply do not have the time and i'm tired of crying. Been too emotional these days i'm fucking sick of it. Perhaps i had been right in putting swimming my second priority, alright so i'm convinced its right.

I'll do everything i can t get t the perfect figure i always wanted. I'm tired of everything, i'm tired of the discrimination i get. At least when i'm thinner, i wont put off people so much. Agreed ?

Self righteous people for god sake, please stop saying looks dont matter. Because it fucking does. I cant imagine my next work interview, if i'm having a pretty girl as my rival, i can alr see my job opportunity drifting away from me.

I'm terribly disappointed t know the truth, but hey the truth wont be the truth if it doesnt hurt right ?

Sigh, i'm really disappointed pissed off flabbergasted emotional depressed and all today. Fuck, just after i got the attachment thingy news. But i still have t suck it all up like a tough bitch when i get home because i hope he doesnt find out.

If not hes gonna start asking my non-sensical questions i dont know how t answer. And he doesnt like it when people pull a long face.

I dont want t tell my mum because shes gonna start nagging about her sad old life and thats the last thing that can motivate me t work harder.

I dont tell my brothers anything because they can be bothered. As simple as that, they just dont bother perhaps its in their nature and all. Ahhhh fuck, i dont care.

I crossed the road thrice without looking out for cars and at that point i felt like even if i died right here and now, i would have been happier than what i am right now. This disappointment and depression is heavy on my chest, physcially and psychologically. I can still feel it and i dont want t call alex / terence because i'll cry the moment i get my sorry ass talking.

Terence has been a real sweetheart and all but, i dont see the success which will come of every failure he mentioned.

Life's sucha fucking bitch at times, and i'm always sucking the shits up.

Gawd, i wonder when's the day i'll explode all my anger disappointment unhappiness. Perhaps when i get t the grave and those feelings decided t revive me and all.

I dont even make sense blogging here.

Oh well, ugly people never made sense anyway.

Swimming later, i'm gonna swim the hurt and pain away. I dont care about this fucking fever anymore. Its like a despicable cunt which wont go away. Bloody hell. Better if i get sick, i dont need t face w some much bullshits and craps. I'm tired, really tired of how things are turning out.

I dont need a break, i just need an eternal break.

Grant me one, because i know i wont be missed.

who asked me t be borne ugly ?
well, no one.
but hey, i gotta suck it up.
ugly people have the hard way,
and i always had it the hard way.

2010-01-17T17:21:00.002+08:00

Read Kismet - written by Airam and one of her chapters made me cry.
first time colors made me cry.

“Marvin, come here please, Nanny wants you,”

Tyson called. Marvin took his own sweet time coming down and came in the room with a face like thunder.

“What?” he said with contempt.

“Drop the attitude,” Cilla said.

He tutted.“Don’t you tut at me boy,” she said and I felt for him as I could his challenge to her losing weight. He glared over at me and Liam and gave us the dirtiest look ever. I looked at Liam in shock and saw that he was as amazed as I was.

“Right come and stand here in front of me where I can see you properly whilst we have out little chat, and just so you know, you ain’t going anywhere until this is resolved and you have said sorry, do you understand me?” she asked.

He walked over and shrugged his shoulders.

“I asked if you understood me Marvin,” she said.

“Yeah,” he spat the word at her. She ignored it.

“Right, you went to school this morning and everything was fine, you were a very happy little boy. What happened between then and now to make you behave is such a despicable manner?” she asked.

He huffed and didn’t answer.

“I asked you a question Marvin,” she said.

“We won’t be angry with you, and you have already been told off by Granddad so we just want to know what made you sad and angry so we help make you a happy boy again.”

His bottom lip wobbled and he looked at Tyson. Tyson nodded and Marvin shook his head.

“Tyson come sit with your nephew so he feels more confident about telling us what maeks him sad,” Cilla said.

Tyson went over and sat down on the floor in front of Cilla with his legs crossed and lifted Marvin to sit in between them, wrapping his arms around Marvin.

“Tell Nanny,” he whispered.

Cilla leaned forward so Marvin could whisper, “I’m brown,” he said.

“Whose brown?” she asked.

“Me,” he said.

“Oh yeah so you are,” she said.

Marvin nodded to confirm it and was looking at her eagerly.

“Their not brown,” Marvin whispered and briefly looked at Liam and I.

I watched as Liam anger towards him for hurting me turned to concern.

“No their not but so what,” she said.

“People at school said they can’t be my mummy and daddy cos they are pink and I am brown so they are gonna give me back to the bad man,” he said his little face trying not to cry.

I was horrified and wanted to run over saying it was not so but Cilla was handling it.

“Who said that, the silly people,” she asked.

“John Francis, Martin Jackson, Todd Hamilton and Luke Kipps,” he said.

“So what do you think?” she asked.

“I think I have to go live with brown people,” he said.

“Do you know any brown people?” Cilla asked.

“Yes,” he said nodding.

“Who is that then?” she asked.

“You and Uncle Tyson, auntie Sasha and your mummy, the others are too small,” he said referring to some of Liam’s brothers and sisters.

“But we live with pink grown ups too, Bob is pink and Louisa is pink. Why are they any different to your mummy and daddy,” she asked.

“They have a new little boy now and he’s pink,” he said his bottom lip wobbling.

“Oh you mean your little brother Logan,” Cilla asked.

“Yeah they got to keep him forever already and they will get to keep Joe soon, but the judge won’t let them keep a brown boy,” he said and his eyes filled with the tears he was fighting.

“Don’t be silly, Tyson was a little brown boy and granddad and I got to keep him,” Cilla said.

“Yeah cos your brown,” Marvin said his voice getting more high pitched.

“No, the judge didn’t say ‘here is your little brown boy to keep cos you are a brown lady’, the judge said ‘congratulation and you can take your son home now,’ and in fact she didn’t say it to me she when looking at Granddad when she said it,” Cilla said.

Marvin looked at Bob. Who nodded in confirmation.

“I don’t belong with pink people,” he said.

“I tell you what you can go live with Tyson then,” Cilla said.

“What?” Marvin said.

“Yeah come on lets go pack your stuff,” she said.

He nodded and they got up and went to pack his things. I didn’t know what to do. I trusted her but this was killing me. Liam pulled me close into his arms with Alisha as we sat in silence waiting. Bob holding Logan asleep to his chest. They appeared in the doorway with his little trolley bag suit case we brought him for when he stayed out over night. Tyson winked at Liam.

“Right goodbye then,” Tyson said.

“Bye,” Marvin said but didn’t look at us.

Tyson walked out the door and down the road pulling the little trolley and holding Marvin’s hand. He looked so tiny.

“Wait for it,” Cilla said as she noticed my tears start to fall.

“So does this mean I am not your uncle anymore and I am your new Daddy,” Tyson asked.

Marvin started to cry, balling his little eyes out as they continued to walk down to Tyson’s house.

“Why you crying?” Tyson asked.

“I don’t want a new Daddy,” Marvin said.

“But your old one was pink,” Tyson said.

“Yeah but I love my Daddy,” Marvin sobbed.

“Well you better go see if you can stay then,” Tyson said.

“Quick.”

Marvin spun around. “Daddy!” he shouted and ran towards the front door where we were all standing. Crying his heart out as he ran back towards the house and Liam walked forward and knelt down with his arms open to catch him. He hugged him close as Marvin broke his heart crying.

He held him like a baby, his head lying against one arm as he tucked his legs under the other. Stroking his hair and wiping away tears.

“Can… I…stay….Daddy?” he sobbed.

“Course you are staying, you are my baby boy,” Liam said.

“Even though…l’m brown,” he cried his little chest struggling for breath.

“Yeah I love that you are brown,” Liam said.

“Do you still want me as your Daddy even though I am pink?”

“Yeah and I want a pink mummy cos I’m her chocolate angel,” Marvin said breaking my heart with the use of my nickname for him that he loved especially when I licked him and said ‘Yummy‘.

“You better go say sorry then,” Liam said. He carried Marvin over to me. He just put his arms out and burst out crying,

“Mummy,” he said.

I pulled him into my arms and held him close. “I love you my baby boy,” I said.

2010-01-15T20:28:00.002+08:00

Jek said she was happy t see my new blog post, but she wont be happy when she sees this.

i'm feeling fucking awful right now.

I just want t cry, cry, cry. I dont know why i'm so emotional, please dont question me. The situation went like this;

mum : oh so you'll be going JC lah ?

vince : yeah

mum : that means she ( jasmine, vince's girlfriend ) will be going poly ?

vince : yeah *smiles*

mum : oh so you're going t break up w her ? *smiles gleefully*

vince : maybe *smiles even wider*

Okay so i felt fucking horrible. I know Jasmine, and i started t know her on a personal level lately and i like her a lot. I was very angry w my mother ( i only call her mother when i'm fucking angry w her ), i gave her my signature you-better-shut-the-fuck-up look. And she kept quiet and tried t look innocent and all.

Worst was when she tried t act nice and change the topic. I was totally ignoring her and my brother, like totally. I kept gorging my noodles until i couldnt take it anymore and said;

would you like it if a guy treated me that way ?

And she became quiet.

I believe in proper upbringing in terms of moral values. I'm not being like those self righteous bastards who tag my shoutbox calling me names without knowing why i lambust certain people on my blog or verbally abuse me for things they feel is wrong.

Get the facts right, everyone has different opinions.

Besides, you people know nuts about me, you dont know why i'm lambusting people and you dont bother t fucking find out.

So since you dont bother t find out, why should bother t fucking explain t people like you w brains the size of a pea ?

Back t topic, i just believe in cultivating the right moral values in your children and that includes teaching them how t be responsible t their spouses. I'm not saying jasmine is vince's spouse or anything but i think my mum's way of asking and all is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

She never fails t tell me how much she want me t find a nice guy and all, since she wants the best for me, automatically we all should know J's mum wants the best for her. Am i right t conclude that ? And I, as a friend would want the best for her as well.

Imagine how i felt when i heard vince's reply, i seriously wanted t puke. But i had enough of that since i'm sick the past 3 days. But still, i wonder if they really break up how am i supposed t face J ? I knew she lost a few friends cos of vince and all, imagine if vince dump her, she will lose everything.

I cant say for sure i'll empathize w her and all because i'm not even sure if she wants t see me after that. Especially if she knows i know everything beforehand. I'm getting too emotional really, i'm gonna tear up very soon and i hate that.

Not because my throat is excruciatingly painful and all but more of the guilt. Fuck i hate the guilt. Makes me feel like a damned sinner, alright i always have been.

Adding on w the stalking thing earlier w alvin, i feel even worst.

I'm never going t do that again, i feel so embarrassed and all.

I dont know what t say t J,
I dont know how i'm gonna face her.
I hope nothing happens,
and i hope for nothing but for me t,
transcend all earthly boundaries and go t hell.

since i've sinned as much, as hell would have determined.

you were wrong alvin,
i'm not what you think i am.
I'm not as pretty and all,
in fact i'm much worst,
as much as you would have liked,
t lie t yourself and get me going.

2010-01-15T16:36:00.002+08:00

This place is heading t the dumps, if there is a online dumping site i'm sure mine will be the first on the list.

Alvin had been a great help in non authentic FBI-tracking people stuffs. LOL, i dont know whether t compliment him or laugh at his stalking abilities. Alright i shall be nice, thanks alvin! :) Been a great help and all, but i think i shall reserve my determination for my studies and swimming.

Cynt is at work now, free t the point of crapping w me on some wong-chua genes and chua-wong genes. -_-

I hope my sore throat heals asap, i sound horrible like i just shoved a sharp razor in my mouth and i cant even sing/yawn/laugh/swallow/eat stuffs without wincing in pain.

Gonna go back t my projs and all, missed 3 days of fucking school and i'm alr going nuts. I dreamt about the semester exams yesterday.

Horrible mama cow. Cynt is not replying me again, gonna mass spam her now. ( on second thought, i dont want t waste my energy typing and all ) Shall go back t my projs alr, before i side track and all.

I will try t update, if i even have the mood.

you know what?
i'm gonna do it,
and show your sorry ass that i,
can fucking swim.

2010-01-09T21:38:00.002+08:00

I dont remember the scars,
the pain nor the hurt.
As i trudge through the forest,
all i thought about were the awful sights,
the preying scene,
the muddy waters,
the destroyed habitats,
and the horrible weather.
I should have been thinking of something else,
like the beautiful river flowing,
but instead the ugly fills my insides.
Feeding me its absolute darkness,
the world is ugly as i see it from the outside in.
I should have knew it would happen this way,
but i waited too long t change it.
Its fixed now,
its a habit now.
we'll no longer be friends,
just passing accquaintances,
i prefer it that way,
i prefer my hermit life.

2010-01-08T22:54:00.002+08:00

Is happiness so hard t seek for?
Or is it because i'm borne at the wrong place and the wrong time?

Jordan was right. You dont flow w it, you live w it. 30 mins of talking w him made me learn a lot.

I must learn more before he gets t uk!

Dreading Mon's swimming lesson, i havent practised yet and i'm fucking freaking out. I feel tired of everything, all i want is a break and i know i'm far from it. Because i've dreams, goals and objectives t achieve, fulfill and persevere with.

I'll do it, i swear i will.

I'm not gonna drop out halfway,
i'm not gonna complain,
i'm not gonna bitch about it,
i'm not gonna think about it,
i'm not gonna let my fear get the better of me,
lastly, i'm gonna let everything look like its fine.

Because thats what i've been trying t do anyway.

When life's a tough bitch, you've t be a tougher bitch.

a much tougher one, and i'm gonna accomplish it.

Even if it cost my youth, time and life.

2009-12-23T14:57:00.002+08:00

The past week has been hectic. Nothing near free, like seriously all we ever do is have fun, pig out, eat etc. I attribute this t cynt's sleepover at my house. It was a planned 2 day sleepover inclusive of the malaysia trip but she ended up staying for like 3 days ?

I cant remember but i know it was hella fun. I always wanted t share my room with the imaginary sister i wish i had and voila! She was being a darling as usual, and i felt that we got closer than ever before during this trip.

T be honest, i wasnt so close with her before the trip. I hardly got t hang out with her other than the annual family gatherings and it was usually so short, and at times awkward. I dont know what t say t them ( hannah and cynthia ) at times, esp hannah. Maybe because its the age gap, but prolly because i'm moving into womanhood.

Well, i remember hannah telling my my newly polished nails looked horrible, and i felt awful. I was like, fuck! is it that horrible? :( Totally depressed that whole day. Annual gatherings get more and more awkward when relatives comment on how i look, my life etc.

Weirdly enough, during the reunion dinner i still remember the girls insisting we go play basketball. Thank god i wasnt so dressed up during those past few times. But of course, as we started t familiarise with each other, we started communicating and stuffs. Sometimes i feel bad for leaving my lovely at times horrific brothers out of the fun most of the time.

But i suppose they can cope with that. Well, these few days cynt stayed over, i could sense the shift in her. From her maturity sense wise, she was getting more and more like what?

A woman. ( what did you expect ? )

She changed quite a lot, though i could sense a little of her change over our hope for frequent but occasional msn chats. Chatting with her for months and only meeting her now feels surreal. When my dad told me shes staying over i practically screamed in the car.

Now now, dont judge me.

People who truly know me, know i've always wanted a sister. I dont care if she is biological or not, i just wanted a sister. Purely for my own sadistic tortures. *rolls eyes* Like seriously, all i wanted was a sister t have gossipy chats every night over our secrets and everything. It gets lonely in the night especially when you've like your own room ever since you're 6.

Its sad. I still remember those lonely nights as a kid i had t endure, my room being the furthest away from my parents. Damn it felt fucking awful. At times it got so dark, and i being a wimp got scared. Especially in that Bedok House, god i can feel the haunting vibes. ( there was quite a no. of ppl who committed suicide at my block, mum witnessed one as well too. )

Other than that, i honestly dont get frightened. Just horribly lonely as i resort t giving all my soft toys names and talking t them whenever i'm going t sleep. Its just a companion i need y'know, i always envied my brothers for sharing a room. And i grab the chance t sleep in the same room as them whenever i can.

Childish much ? Sounds like me.

If theres one thing i never want t experience, its loneliness. I can hang out on my own and everything, the loneliness i meant is the kind of constant companion i need. A person t share my room, my secrets, feelings etc. Sounds like a boyfriend-desperate plea. You wish.

I dont fear the unknown as much as i fear loneliness. Feels horrible. I rather see ghouls, bloodied ones or gruesome ones who takes pride in scaring the wits out of holy humans than feeling lonely. Am i too dependent on people around me? I guess so, oh well. Theres always a first time for everything.

Sigh, loneliness can get overbearing at times. I always, mark that, i always wanted t have sleepovers with cynt and some girls i know. But you know, parental problems. They always refuse, its sad how i never had a real sleepover with a girl before until cynt came.

Alright so i was elated when she came. At first i was afraid we couldnt go along, but on second thought i got along with her pretty well in msn so it would be fine. I wasnt wrong.

I'm not free t summarise every single detail of what and where we went and have fun. But i'm glad baby and cynt had fun together! :) two sisters of my life, oh my.

Mum and Dad are pretty taken with cynt as well. I could see that they love her as they loved me. Like truly loved her. I was telling mum late last night, i plan t bring cynt go shopping whenever i've money t get her a full outfit as her birthday present. Or she could choose what she want online and i would pay for it.

Because of what she told me during the times we were together, I'm not feeling sad nor pity for you love, I want t see your artistic talents!

During those days with cynt, i realised i was fiercely protective of her. Is this a Chua gene or something ? Or is it in my DNA ? Feels weird y'know, i'm like totally treating her as a total baby when she can very well be on her own. -_-

Sorry if i was lil over bearing at times cynt! Was a lil sad she couldnt join the outing with me, siewling and qiaoyu tmr. :( Maybe next week love, i'll plan again.

Thanks t wynne for the nail spa treatment. Had a greaaaaaaat day with her huiping and jerome. Jerome as usual was being sarcastic t me. I lost count the number of times he made it sound like i'm fat. Thanks for the reminder hor. Huiping was being a darling as usual. Wynne had fun, shes prolly gonna be busy tomorrow night. oh wellllllllll.

Meeting siewling and qiaoyu tmr. We're gonna throng the whole of orchard tmr, i'm dying t get my ass t F21 at somerset 313. Its my new official shopping mall up my favourites list. :)

I couldnt sleep after cynt left, i was busy thinking about my single status because auntie junee is getting married. I always told my mum, i never want t be like her. Shes nice and all, but shes too occupied into wanting to have a family of her own. I really hope, i wont be like her.

Whenever i feel weak, and i wish for a guy. The first thing i tell myself was t dispel that feeling. I picture myself being successful in my career, single as well. Being a spinster till the day i go. Used t envy people with ever escalating love luck.

I guess, as we grow older our prominent goals surface as we make a decision.

career or love?

Sorry, i choose career.

And i'll strive t achieve it, my goals, my dream.

For now, faithful readers you peeps would have t wait till the next update. Hateful ones, really dont bother reading. Because the more you read, the more you hate the fact that i'm happy and alive.

Adios!

You envied me for having beautiful clothes and dresses.
i envy you for your freedom and immediate innocence.

you told her,
i dont mean a thing.
And i was thinking,
you werent worth a dime.

2009-12-15T17:31:00.002+08:00

Feeling confused right now.

and fucking awful.

I didnt meet alex up t go cycling today because i slept late last night doing that proj. Meeting weijie tmr t go shopping. correct that, help him shopping :)

I'm so freaking confused right now, i just want t dance the hurt and trouble all away.

Oh baby dont remind me, i remember very well what i want in life.

Listening t Do you remember by jay sean, fucking awful feeling i'm having now. Gonna rush my assignments so i can have a girlfriend talk w wynne at mac tonight.

you know what ?

i cant wait for tomorrow!

2009-12-14T02:55:00.003+08:00

I used t think, that i knew how cruel the world actually was. Until yesterday night, it was like a total 360 degrees turning point for me. I never felt so enlightened in my whole life. Its like there was this edging missing piece t my puzzle, and i just found it.

Everything sunk in deeply, everything i thought was so perfect. I realised how much i was missing out and how much i actually knew. Oh gawd, the truth is ugly. It really is, its not like the movie the ugly truth where theres this weird happy ending going on.

Nor is it like Princess and the Frog ending where Princess Tiana and Prince Antonio get together. Its just bull.

I used t wonder, how it feels like t have a boyfriend in poly life. Its really crazy when people around you have a partner and you're like in between, knowing nuts. Worst when they kiss or whisper sweet nothings, omfg i feel so disappointed.

In what ? I dont know too, theres like this string of disappointments i dont know what is surfacing. And worst is when my dad ask; do you have a boyfriend ? Makes me more irritated than ever, trust me i told him i didnt like it. And he tried t reassure me that hes just being concerned.

I sweetly replied i'll inform him if i have one. When what i really wanted t say was; please just fucking give me a break, because its something which is still a long frigging way away.

Well ever since last night, i kind of dispelled the oh why am i still single feeling. Instead i'm feeling so darn satisfied with what i dont know. Just feeling good, wanted t drink w terence on monday but we were pretty broke. Lol sissssssssssssss :( Its okay, we can meet up the next time round! I thought he was going t plow down the whiskey and vodka like he usually does but he was pretty slow in drinking yesterday.

Worst, he almost got drunk. LOL! He was like kat, i need t go take a walk. I'm getting drunk. I was like oh oh okay i go w you. Hilarious, we walked back t vivo for toilet and then walked back t our destination.

Feeling tired right now, sis is getting back in shape w his buff size. My personal pillow! :) I'm so jealous, i need t lose weight.

i must,
i can,
and i will.

Alright thats it, i need t hit the bed now.

Goodnight!

I'm praying really hard for a second time.
Please?

2009-12-13T21:39:00.002+08:00

Best night of my life.

I never had so much fun! Joycelyn was pretty as usual, she was darn sexy when she presented her moves. It was so natural and sensual, i was totally hooked.

Thank you t terence for making the night so much more safer for me! :)
For once, terence felt like a big protective brother.
Making sure i dont drink so much, i dont get drunk, constantly asking if i was okay, being my personal pillow and making sure i dont get lost in the crazy crowd as he held on t my hand.

First time i felt like a younger sister for once, instead of the overprotective person i usually am. Alright, i was protective of Jo at first, when this sick pervert reaching the big 40 asked for her no. You can imagine how crazy he was, he asked for her no. 8 times, and we rejected him 8 times.

I was the meanest no doubt, but hey at least he screwed off! :)

Hopefully theres a next time.

I'm contented.

A real man, a man i strive t desire.
Was ruined by the ugly truth i saw yesterday night.
Lets admit it girls, if you want someone lasting,
dont go clubbing.
Because it makes your perfect prince charming,
become one of your main disappointments.

2009-12-09T01:33:00.002+08:00

Look at the time now, I'm fucking serious, look.

Its 1.30am sharp. Oh my god, dont ask me why i'm still awake. I'm sacrificing my beauty sleep all in the name of Human Resource Management.

This sounds pathetic alr. :( Been down lately, just this feeling that i can shun away from. Last 2 weeks were hell, emotional roller coaster ride as i mentioned. Some fucked up things i dont think its convenient t mention here, but lets just say; I'm a big asshole when it comes t this.

Ethan's nick is depressing. God damn, dont tell me his r/s failed as well. Lets count, I alr have 3 idol r/s down and i'm like digressing as t whether i should get married. LOL right, i know. I dont want the same thing t happen t me. I dont even want t talk about having kids alr, or even my much loved eyecandies or getting Mr Right.

Everything looks so damn bleak right now. I dont know what the hell is going on, i just feel like gagging myself t death. FM on thurs, and i'm officially chicken-ing out. I dont dislike FM, i just try my best t like it.

Fuck maths at times seriously, they never fail t make your head swim.

I mean NEVER.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm feeling so down, so disappointed, so upset, so flabbergasted with everything, especially myself.

What the hell is going on with me?!

I hope i can get a decent job this holiday, i want t work!

Hopefully i can work at HURS ? Jp outlet though, near t my house and everything. Pay is downright pathetic i know, but hey its near my house!

Okay i'm getting dillusional, i need t stop before i go bonkers.

Jo isnt replying my msn, stupid joycelyn.

I'm falling hard,
would you catch me?

do you remember?
do you remember our love?
do you remember those bittersweet memories?
or do you only remember her?

One last advice for you peeps; the truth is ugly.

Lets face it rather than crouch in a corner feeling sorry for yourself. If not worst, try t self deceive and tell yourself that everything is alright when its not. Life is a bitch, but remember, you have t be a bigger bitch. :)

2009-12-08T03:21:00.002+08:00

DAMN FUCKING PISSED OFF.

Look at the damn time now, its a holy fucking 3.30am in the damn morning. And i'm still awake. All thanks t vince's loud thumping for 30mins and elon's constant pain which caused vince t lose his temper and scream at him.

Me on the other hand, am having a big emotional turmoil. All i want t do right now, is t cry out loud. I've never slept so late in my whole life for exams. Never.

and i'm breaking the record now.

Especially when tmr's paper is one i've been working damn hard for. No one know how it feels, no one ever does anyway. I was going suicidal, as i was telling nick i wanted t just jump out of my window and die. Like 4 storeys high would kill me. I really cant take it anymore, the stress and everything. So fucking stressed up because i cant sleep, and because i know very well my brain processes well only when i sleep.

You know what ? Fuck it, tmr's paper is a goner.

Everyone's gonna start taunting me and my parents are gonna get disappointed and i'm gonna go back t sqaure one.

A good for nothing piece of shit dad always implied.

I can only hope i remember everything and that FEB is just as easy as blaw.

fuck my life.

2009-12-06T18:26:00.002+08:00

I swear t god i'm really going t go crazy if i'm gonna continue having exams. Like seriously! I cant stand it anymore, the stress and everything is building up on me.

Everyone is freaking out over blaw and i'm the exact opposite. I'm freaking out over FM and FEB. Especially FEB since the format changed, oh good lord. I hope i do well. 5 freaking modules for god sake.

I better go revise asap so i can load chris with FEB questions later. Sorry chris! Desperate alr, no one can help me in FEB especially the EPS part, argh. :(

i really hope i do well.

2009-11-28T13:05:00.002+08:00

This week has been a exhilarating emotional roller coaster for me. Never in my life have i had so much drama in a week happening t the people i love around me.

First it was weiling, then luchella & jek then alex. Oh my goodness, i think i might have died from hormonal changes especially when they all happen in the PMS WEEK.

More than glad that everything is fine now. :)

Met alex up yesterday! Havent seen him for damn bloody long. Record broken, its my first time waiting 1.5hrs for a friend. I know right ? If it was someone else i would have been so pissed off. Hes totally taking advantage of the situation HAHAHAHAHAHA. Nah, he was having auditions for his band, so i decided t be nice.

Treated him t KFC, pepper chicken was the kill. Spicy like mad, almost died. Alex owes me t big big big hawker fare meal! :) Cant wait t meet him up during the hols, i want t eat all the hawker fares like hokkien mee, sugar cane drink, chicken riceeee blah blah. Too bad he cant take seafood. :(

Alright, i needa go rush FEB report. Fucking stressed up! :(

I havent start my revisions yet,
i bloody hell hope i dont screw up my msts.

Still need t attend the dumb IT security talk on wed, i alr know what i want t wear. I think i'm going t that talk alone, sadistic.

Oh well, so much for revising.

I'm soooo looking forward t all the things i can do during the hols, hopefully we girls can go tanning, picnic-ing, cycling, movie-ing, shopping, steamboat-ing andddddd girls talk!

I miss siewling so so so much, she has been like missing for the past few weeks.

I know shes busy with her fyp but i just miss her so much :( I sound so depressed when i say this, god damn i AM depressed over not seeing her.

Okay no more procrastinating.

I MUST REACH MY GOAL!

CHIONG!

2009-11-27T00:22:00.002+08:00

I'm only here t remind all sp poly students not t fucking leave your things unattended.

Two of my classmates' backpacks were stolen at fc5 today between 10.45am-11am. When i say backpacks, i mean the whole god damn thing. And it wasnt just one, it was a bloody hell two.

After all the paperwork we realised another backpack was stolen at fc4 15mins before ours were stolen. We suspect its some kind of a laptop-backpack syndicate whom goes round stealing people's laptops and backpacks. Laptops are often stolen at FC5 ALL THE DAMN TIME. ( the cleaning auntie at fc5 told us ).
We suspect students are the culprits and we believe many more students have been suffering in silence by not reporting this matters t the police so we decided t do just that.

We've left them the report and they're currently investigating. Meanwhile we can do nothing but t reach out t all sp poly students, we dont want the pain t happen t you. It can happen t anyone, just like how it happened t us.

Do not take things for granted like we did, do not think that people wont bother taking your bags because they will.

We're a living example and its a lesson learnt for us. Dont learn the hard way, and please pass this on. We do not want this t happen again and we're sure those bastards would strike again. They definitely will and we're doing all we can right now t reach out t you sp students t create awareness on this issue.

Its up t us t prevent crime from happening t any of us, those bastards wont let it go and we as the victims are here t tell you the true story, so please pass it on. Let as many people know as possible.

Thank you. :)

the only thing i cherished today was when we all snuggled today,
as a true clique,
as a bunch of people who truly cared about each other,
it touched me t know how this minor incident brought us closer,
as a clique, as it brought us t a higher level of our friendship.

Thank you mallory, yongquan for rushing back from fc6 the moment i call you peeps.
Thank you Jiamin, Chengyun and Amanda from rushing back from Orchard the moment Mallory gave you girls a call on the situation today. :)

2009-11-23T20:14:00.002+08:00

I'm only blogging because i'm waiting for my Momo love episode 6 t buffer. Oh my i've got this major crush on ding chun cheng.

You peeps wont want t know how deep, seriously. Besides you peeps would prolly burst out laughing the way i pronounce his name. Bought some really gorgeous babydoll dresses and sundresses lately. Oh my i'm so busted. Like Cheapo M, like Cheapo D.

Btw, cheapo d = chengyun. My cheapo daughter LOL ! While you prolly know cheapo M stands for cheapo mum, thats obviously me. :)

Dcc, oh my goodness. Still having the big big big hots for him. D, you better hope Mama does a good job in getting you a new papa! :D LOL my other D's amanda, but she isnt really serious at times besides i guess she doesnt mind having a stepfather.

DCC HERE I COME!

Fuck it, i sound desperate. AHA. Town on wed, i really need t start studying.

you're lucky i love you enough.

2009-11-15T15:37:00.002+08:00

I've been wasting my life away lately. I can feel this insistent need t just go exercise everything out. I just want t let everything out, i feel so caged lately.

I attribute this t the confidential talks i had with my mum. She sounded very unhappy with her controlled life and i wondered, is this the kind of marital life i wanted ? I doubt we would be able t go t 2nd Aunt's customary daughter's wedding. I think mum's getting emotional because 2nd Aunt just contacted her like after decades of no-contact relationship. Shes running through the memories of her past and dictating it out t me. From what i heard, 90% of it is depressing. Given my current emotional state, heck its depressing t me as well.

Yesterday morning was the worst. All she was interested in doing was talk talk talk. Me on the other hand was silent and cringing at the stories she was fishing out. Nice way t get me t shut up and be a good listener for once. I was getting a little exasperated, because i know i cant relieve her pain and this will continue indefinitely. I was getting depressed, quite depressed actually.

Until she decided t get her groceries. I decided t tag along just t lighten up the mood besides i dont relish the idea of her driving unchaperoned on the roads t three different places. People who are observant knows how bastard-ised some people can get on the roads. And the last thing i want is t be absent when people hurl abuse at my blur mother.

Threw on my cherry red and pink checkered boyfriend shirt ( which belongs t elon but i decided t steal it for myself as i decided it looked better on me ) and black shorts with my new canvas backpack. Ah lian t the max, i couldnt stand looking at myself. Adding on with skull painted slippers, damn i look like a hooker or streetside gangster.

Thank god she loosened up as we went grocery shopping as we humped from place t place. Saw uncle darren and his shu nu wife. I love how innocent his wife looks, she looks innocent even in her ultra short shorts. I mean like seriously! Not every women can pull off that look. Gawd, i'm envious. Did i mention ? She was wearing specs for the first time and omfg, she looked like a teacher. A sexy one at that woo! Okay i think i'm getting sick, like how sicko cy's pants are.

Back t topic, i was flitting from place t place listening t dave's ( david archuleta, archie sounds sooo...whatever ) whole album. Thinking of the ingredients i need t make an awesome pasta. Mum was teaching me some grocery tips, damn i feel more like an auntie now. Not that its a bad point but, i'm only 18. It doesnt make sense for me t start behaving like one doesnt it ?

Went t have a snack at sheng siong foodcourt with mum after grocery shopping. She was famished while i was totally suffering from hand aches. Imagine carrying 5kg of rice on each hand plus some frozen meat. Kill me. I dont think i need t run later on. Had my much craved egg roti prata while mum had her disgusting black glutinous rice.

She did lighten a bit after hanging out so i was quite relieved. Until this jerk of a driver we happened t see when mum was parking the car. Mum isnt a awesome driver, neither is she average. Shes just like an amateur, but it doesnt give people a reason t honk her nor halt his car like one inch away from her while shes parking the car.

This is one of the main reason why i dont think i'll ever bother getting my car license. Guys always say things like oh must be a woman driving. My dad says that all the time. So do i actually. Runs in the family man, even my aunt says that. Its not because i will prolly fail as a driver but because i'll prolly giving every jerk drivers the finger or start swearing / hurling abuses at them. Be it whether they taunt me or honk me, my temper is hard t isolate. I've tried anger management, doesnt work very well for me.

Anyway main thing is, this driver was like halting his car like 1 inch away from our car, and mum was so flustered and me as usual was fucking pissed off. I gave him a glare and reached across the steering wheel t wind down mum's window with the hope of giving him the finger and asking him t fuck off. Just as i was reaching across, i was met with a hard slap on my elbow. Awwww, thanks mum. -_- She really pissed me off as she kept procrastinating how embarrassing this confrontation would get especially since we're in the same neighbourhood.

But problem is, i dont give a fuck who he is.

He can be the President of USA for all i care, i would still give him my finger and call him a fucking cunt for halting his car so near without a decent breathing space for our car t park properly.

I hate KAYU drivers, especially those who try t block your way or halt their car so near t yours when you're parking only t zoom off the moment theres enough space for their fugly cars t drive pass. It just drives me crazy, not only me it drives my tempremental disturbingly hormonal father crazy as well. Trust me, he wont be like me. He will be much worst. Like asking you t a duel or something.

Well so much for fate, i saw my preschool cum highschool class&sch mate. Kenneth. Dont mention, we've never been on good terms. And thanks t the anger which was alr boiling, he earned a hateful glare from me. Not that i feel sorry about it, i just hate it when people see me in my most embarrassed or pissed off moments. Things can get pretty ugly when i'm flabbergasted. No one has ever seen it before, and it better stays that way.

Oh well, i'm sick of having t tell my mum t reverse this way and steer that way in order t get in the parking space that i cant take it anymore, i just get angry. Especially when she doesnt listen and insist on doing her own way only succumbing t my method when we're like desperate. And then chiding me for being a blabbermouth when my method actually works like a miracle. Awww thanks mum. -_- i can already foresee vince and me being a much better driver than mum.

Honestly, i dont feel like driving because i've seen the mortrifying driving lessons dad gave mum on the car. Utterly pride-loserly. Screaming, shouting and the occasional slaps. Oh my, i'm not ready t face that. I still prefer my own method of learning it secretly behind his back when i reach my twenties. I believe i can do as well without him. I've been trying t remember my ways around my home just so that when i get a car i can drive myself. :)

Adding on with the transitlink problem, all the more i'm fired up t get hardworking earn big bucks and get my own fucking sports car! Cant wait, i already thought of the brand i wanted, as much as uncle john's audi sports car looks mouthwatering, i think i'll go for a Ferrari.

Lets just say my relationship with people is screwed right now. People i'm close with at home. As much as i love my father's absence at home, my mum's daily rant on her miserable life is depressing me and making me go crazy. Elon's horrible attitude towards her isnt helping, vince's all-i-want-t-play attitude is driving me nuts as well. And me mulling over my lack of motivation t study is killing me as well. Sigh, i'm like facing a mid-life crisis right now.

I havent told his holiness that i'm going t catch a movie with the girls tmr after school. :( I wonder if he would get angry or something. Mum insist i should find a right time t tell him, while i cant wait t just pull out my hair just waiting for the right time.

Been bottling things up lately and i've been like carrying the world's burdens on my shoulders. Feels awful man, all i can think about is the failures i'm gonna get. I do hope i get in entrepreneurship when the results come out next week. Though i seriously doubt my own capability but if april and i get in i'll prolly team up with her as a group. :) That is, if i even manage t get in.

Life sucks when you're as problematic as me. Thank god i've dave's wonderful song; my hands with me. If not i'm gonna go ballistic.

Goodbye!

2009-11-12T21:04:00.002+08:00

I'm like fucking pissed off t the maximum.

It all started when my bus card decided t render its resignation. It just terminated its services without notice! I was so flustered and exasperated. You'll never imagine seeing me like this, its a total classic.

Back t the story, I went t dover control station and was gaily told t get my arse off t Jurong East Interchange. So i took my not-so-virgin mrt trip with lulu and jek. I was like thinking all the possibilities through my mind. When i arrived, kind lulu decided t tag along t keep me company plus t see how much of a bitch i can get.

Well, my card was replaced with a new one but i need t pay $10 to add value t my now currently empty new card. T my horror, they said i can only get my concession and remaining value in my card a holy 1 week later. She was ultimately disappointed because i didnt want t lose my temper at some senior citizen.

I was utterly pissed off beyond comprehension. The moment i got on the bus, i dialled the toll-free number and told the lady on the phone what was my situation etc. I know i was sounding very fierce and pissed off, i could sense her fear through her stuttering. And i felt bad, so i hung up. Besides i was on the bus, i didnt really want t make a scene.

Have sent them an email and left a flabbergasted voicemail. They better fucking reply or call me back before my 3hr break tmr. Dont make me wait if not all the girls would be enjoying a nice show tmr.

I find it absurd i've t pay an extra $20 for transportation for that one week.
Hello TRANSITLINK, ITS SINGAPORE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, NOT USA WHERE THEY'RE SO MANY STATES SO FAR APART FROM EACH OTHER.

YOU DONT NEED 7DAYS T ANALYSE MY CARD DO YOU ?

FIRST ITS UNREASONABLE CONCESSION RATES, NOW THIS ?

I'll show them what poly students are made of, so sick of people treating poly students like second class just because we didnt opt t go JC.

On a lighter note, i hope t go t my cousin's wedding. Mama's sister called earlier t say her daughter is getting married and she hopes we could all go. Great! Hot guys, Pretty girls here i come! :D

2009-11-10T21:39:00.002+08:00

Its reaching 10pm and i'm cant sleep. I dont know why, and i cant be bothered t find out why. I was terribly touched by this story i read in buzzle written by a talented writer with a high potential guy called Triple A. I know what kind of name is that right ?! But the story he wrote really touched me, its like wow. Sad enough t make me tear up, tell me how many stories can you read and end up tearing ?

Story's title is When they Cried. About poor people and how one big sister, June, was taking care of 3 lil brothers, Nathanial - Lucas - Jeremiah, whom happened t be sons fathered by her scandalous mother whom had like 3 other men in her life. Downright sick and pathetic. Oh my, i hate that Ryan ( June's stepfather, Jeremiah's biological dad ) who raped June and brings Audrey ( Mum t all the kids ) t other places for months or weeks. Leaving June with no money at all. I was horribly disgusted inside out. I felt like going t the kitchen t get a chopper and go straight up t Ryan and just cut his balls off. Including his jackass of a head.

Oh my i cant believe i'm getting pissed off over a fiction character.

I've been slacking as usual. Break today was well spentttttttt. :) JM was like helping me curl my eyelashes and chengyun helped me apply mascara. Thanks t mallory for giving me those 2 mascaras. :D

Alright nothing more t blog. Thanks t vani though for sending me david's whole album. Made me love him like x100000000000000 more! Btw, today's funniest scene ever when i told the girls about Ahem, eyecandy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Kanchiong queens, all of them. You should have seen, widespread panic man.

JM was like saying damn loud; WHO ? WHERE?!
Mallory was like WHERE?!
Cy was like i cant see his face! Aiyah turn round i cant see his face!
Amanda was like; oh he left already ? ( shes blur until you just want t kiss her man,mad cute )
Luchella was like a bit quiet but i remembered she asked who who ?

Jek and Weiling was like sitting there eyes open. Maybe different frequency. But Mallory JM and Cy was enough t make panic spread. thanks man. I think the table beside us also know alr. Okay, at least i get a clear view of one AHAHAHAHAHA RIGHT JM ? Taste really is subjective. I know siewling would be a jackass and start saying i've horrible taste. Like duhhhhhhhhh.

I love it when Jek said; beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Oh my i better hope my future boyfriend is hot in my eyes. *Prays hard* Alright gonna burn some jossticks and pray hard for that t come true. Goodbye!

But its hard t hold on,
but girl try t hold on.
I'm standing here and i know i cant do this anymore.
Hold on t my hand,
dont let go.

2009-11-07T20:53:00.002+08:00

Strong people dont say that it hurts,
because we gotta swallow it up.
we all have our fair share of pain,
every single person not just me.
some people just dont show it,
but everyone has them.
We be strong not because we've t be,
but because we want t be!

thanks for your passage of wisdom sis. :)
And yes terence, you're always right.

I'm glad everything is all spilled out. I feel better than before.

thank you eggies. -nicknamed by cy.

2009-11-07T16:52:00.002+08:00

I've been sick, if you added the coughing fit i had yesterday oh thank you, it was hell.

Though the dry coughing fit is over, my much dreaded bronchitis phlegm filled cough ensued today morning. Really ruined my mood, of all the illnesses i ever had i totally detest this syndrome. I hate the disgusting phlegm cough i have when i'm almost recovering, Jek says its a good sign but no, i just hate it! Maybe because i hate spitting so very much, i just fucking hate spitting!

Especially jerks who spit in the pool. -_-

I'm saying this because while the girls ( luchella, weiling, jiamin, jek ) and i were happily receiving our towels at spgg and i proudly told them i was gonna go out swimming, this guy spit right into the pool before he even entered.

I was like, WHAT THE FUCK ?!

I swear i almost went bonkers, i swore never t swim that spot again. Its just sucha uncivilised act okay ? I dont want t be mean or anything but hello ?! I've like phlegm all over my throat you dont even see me spit on the road or anything what more about the pool ? Jeez, t think that guy might also be a poly mate. I'm gagging.

Yesterday was fun, and while we had fun cy and amanda were studying in the library. Added stress, really added stress t me. :( Okay back t self consoling like what i learnt from jek, at least i finished one of jerene's assignments. Money money come rolling innnnnnnnnnnnn.

I'm officially $125 richer. Happy! Not that i'm finding a new way t spend it, i'm like so thrifty lately all i spend is like 15$ per week you peeps oughta congratulate a lil. Victoria Secret private spree is cancelled, make me emo only. Just when i saw this gorgeous jeans on sale there. I feel the itch t get it even though i'm still considering.

Besides, luchella and elon's birthday are coming. I dont even know what t get for their birthday. But i know for sure what i want t get for vince's birthday alr. A leather/PVC biker jacket. :) Dont worry, i'll be ordering from taobao. I wont spend more than like 50$ for one.

On a much lighter note, my bags from taobao are arriving NEXT WEEEEEEEEEK! i'm so excited! Finally can bring a backpack t sch like normal. Its weird when all the girls carry backpack except me, feels weird too. Gosh, i just realised something.

I havent showered yet. :O Okay off t the showers goodbye!

List of things t do;
- finish my tutorials
- revise my subjects
- do jerene's assignments
- pack my messy table
- pack my hopelessly messy closet

do you think of what we could be when your alone ?
do you catch your breath when i look at you,
or do you hide it like you always do ?

2009-11-05T22:16:00.002+08:00

I cant fucking stand it anymore! Some pathetic Singaporeans are so fucking cheapskate and kiasu they just piss me off. I swear i had tried t tolerate their downright cheapskate and kiasu behaviour but it so happens theres a kiasu singaporean in every corner i see. The younger generation is a lil better but it doesnt mean all of us are angels.

First things first okay, firstly when i came home on a stormy rainy tuesday evening poor elon came over t gek poh shopping centre t fetch me since i was umbrella-less. How sweet of him right ? :) Fast forward, we left the two brellas outside our door t dry. And mind you, it was some cheapskate umbrella. 4 freaking hours later, only one umbrella was seen. I've been fucking tolerant i tell you, first my baby brandy, then josh ( the turtle ) then some other cute hamsters then followed by a study table followed by shoes, shoe cabinet and then some pots of plants.

ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING DESPERATE OR WHAT ?

I still remember the gist of it, the study table was so fucking heavy. And within 2hrs it was gone. I dont know what t say of these people, my next door neighbour and that malay neighbour has been angels. But seeing my current situation i cant help my grouch grumble and fucking pull out my hair. You thieves have got t stop stealing my family's property jackasses! I swear the next time round i see people stealing my stuffs, i'll go back t the kitchen and arm myself with a chopper and come chopping towards them.

i dont care if i chop off your manhood, your vagina breasts or your head, i'm gonna fucking chop you jerks off until you have something missing from your body like what you guys made my family missed.

Second issue, i fucking hate parents who dont discipline their unruly kids more oftenly known as; kids from hell. I've been realising that theres this indian boy ( not being racist here, quit being so sensitive ) with his mum who takes the same bus as me every morning. I usually take one bus earlier so as t avoid them, do you know why ? Because i cant stand that boy's kiasu attitude. I totally cant stand it. Let me elaborate, the first time i saw that boy i totally lost my cool. The moment he got on the bus, he screamed and ran right towards the deck of the bus pushing everyone in his way away. I saw him push a fellow polymate and she almost dropped her books. thats what changed my mind of him.

So whenever i see him now, i roll my eyes and the first thing that comes t my mind is; here we go again asshole. Maybe its just me. Worst thing was when his mum didnt say or do a thing. Not even a apathetic apology t the lady who got pushed. Y'know what ? Fuck her. I always held this belief that if you cant discipline your child well okay lets not say well, lets just be more lenient at least for the love of god discipline them decently. If you cant do that, then dont have one! Because if this continues and no one proceeds t tell him its wrong, hes gonna be a pest t the society and its this kind of people whom make us singaporeans paiseh. I'm so sick of my penpals telling me what kind of rumors they've been hearing about singaporeans. How cheapskate and kiasu we're and whatever. I dont rebuke them because i know its true. Although i do emphasize that not all of them are this way.

Third issue is the one which propelled me t blog. Well y'know the new buses have this tiny space on the upper deck for passengers t stand ? Well i stood at the v inside because i was hopped on the bus earlier and there was this auntie beside me. No offence t all aunties, only offence t all fucking kiasu aunties. I was facing another side when a guy behind me left his seat, i wanted t take the seat. I dont deny, i really wanted t have a seat because the bus ride is gonna be damn long and i was sick with flu and the tissues flying all over thanks t my never ending tap nose whose close switch went faulty. I was barely turning when the lady beside me horridly pushed me hard just t get that seat. If it wasnt a fucking hard push which almost made me fall i wouldnt be petty enough t blog, besides that seat was just behind me.

She just pushed her fat ass through without even caring about my plight. Well hello fat ass, not everyone has a ass as big as a uk 14 and just push through ppl just t get a seat. Even if you wanted a seat you could have at least have the decency t push through gently or something. For fuck sake you push so hard, its not your life depended on your seat. I'm not being petty over the seat, i'm pissed off over the fact that she pushed me so hard that i almost fell just for a pathetic seat that she needed so much her life depended on it.

She totally ruined my morning, i couldnt stop the bubble of anger from bubbling in my stomach. I was coughing so badly, though i wasnt facing her, i had this sick feeling of turning round and coughing right in her puny face just t let her get my mean viral flu and just fucking drop dead. Shes just fucking lucky because there was a hot guy on the bus and i didnt want t do something so unglam. Damn i'm a mean bitch, i attribute this t my current flu-dosed body which is feeling so very pek chek right now.

I know some self righteous assholes will say how can you even blog this socially irresponsible blogpost because they refuse t believe that singaporeans are this way or they know and refuse t comment and find me crude rude irrevocably whiny in writing this post. Lets all face it, the truth is always painful. Better t know now than never, am i not right ? I'm not perfect but i know very well i dont possess these holy attributes. Sure, i may find a seat when i need one on the mrt but i dont go t that extent.

Speaking of mrt, the main reason i'm taking the bus now is because i cant stand the kiasu attitudes of imbeciles at the mrt stations. Oh great, now the bus also has people like that. -_-

Fuck, i wish all kiasu singaporeans would just all drop dead.

All they ever do is ruin singaporean's squeaky clean image. Thanks ah.

This post has a hell load of f-word so i would appreciate it if you dont judge me on that swear word because i wrote this in anger. Cynt and Wynne kindly refrain from taking after me, afterall your pure innocent minds are too precious t pollute. I dont want boyfriends or mums t come hounding after me that i taught them all the wrong stuffs. That would be a big big big problem.

Alright i'm all typed out and happy because i got 20/25 for blaw quiz! :D Dont belittle me, even though it was an online quiz i didnt refer t any notes at all.

Now that my readers, is an amazing feat.

This crush aint going away.
do you feel the same or do you hide it the way you always do ?

2009-11-04T19:32:00.003+08:00

I havent been as hardworking as last semester. I can feel it, i only do minimal tutorials with no interest whatsoever. Even though i revise as much as i can, i feel the exhaustion eating away my physical ability. i cant take it anymore.

Remember i said, my heart came t a standstill and that i couldnt be stirred anymore ? Apparently, i was wrong. Yesterday, i saw a touching video called chicken a la carte. It made me cry, not technically. I almost did cry, until i held myself back because i was in a lecture room of like 100plus people. The truth were painful t watch, too heartwrenching t see.

It was a story in cambodia where those fast food restaurants selling fried chicken keep the renmants left by customers after eating in huge plastic bags put in big black bins. This guy in a old bicycle then came t sort out the chicken renmants which are still suitable for consumption. After sorting out, he cycles into the night only t return t a poor village in the morning. Kids of all ages danced and ran towards him when he came. Happily pushing the bicycles towards this corner and hurriedly opening the bins t reveal those chicken renmants. I remember those words, their laughter bring tears t your eyes. It really does bring tears t your eyes, those contented faces eating chicken renmants like they're Popeye chicken meals made me teared.

Just when i thought it was over, the guy who brought back the chicken goes back t this family for a meal, and he brought along a plastic bag containing those renmants. He then uses his hand t give out the renmants t his three children and pregnant wife. Carefully selecting for his kids, the smiles and elated faces his children showed really stirred me, it stirred me hard. It was like this sudden burst of sadness which cant seem t end. Those poor kids dont go t sch either.

What they said on the slides were true, even when you close your eyes, those pictures remain. I used t laugh it off when people said i was emotional, now i think i really am. I was really shocked and upset t see the video, it was heartwrenching. I bet even guys were touched, really touched. Donation cans went round and i was sure a lot of people donated. What carried on brought surprise t most of us, a $1 we donate can give 50 cambodians clean drinking water for a day, 4 months supply of pencils for those kids etc.

thats when every $1 makes a big difference.

Moving on, i was late for school today. I was so grouchy because i thought i would be early for sch. I really didnt want t be late, but the jam hardly moved. Until i saw what was causing the jam. My heart literally stopped pounding. It was at Hoe Leong Corporation road Bustop when i saw the freak accident. Okay i didnt see the whole thing but it was enough t freak me out, enough t make me cringe and reflect on myself. I saw a police car and some motorcycles and his HUGE lorry. And this blue camp in the middle of the first lane, with blood flowing from it. There was no ambulance whatsoever.

That was when i cringed not from the fear of blood i ever had but from the horror of what has happened. I was sure there was a body in that camp, and i'm pretty sure its gruesome too judging from the amount of blood i saw. I was truly horrified and stirred. Like how much a life is lost over the recklessness of another. I was worried like fuck because i had this random thought that it might be jaryl -_- i SMSED him immediately but there wasnt any reply. I think he was still pissed with some driver yesterday so he didnt reply. But still, i was being a paranoid worrywart. Told mingxian earlier and he said CHOI! Oh thanks hor.

I still have jerene's assignments t rush, feeling so fucked up now because i realise i havent been revising much. I'm gonna finish her assignments and revise on the weekends. :)

if these were god's way of telling me that my heart can be stirred,
then you were right because its working.

2009-11-02T10:47:00.003+08:00

I couldnt sleep last night, kept tossing in my bed. Scenes of our relationship flashed through my mind repeatedly. I couldnt withstand the pain, it hurt so much i wanted t cry. T my surprise, my tears were dry. It couldnt flow, i couldnt start crying.

Is it just me or ? After awhile, my heart maintained its total coolness. Cool as ice, i laid in bed listening t David Archuleta with my eyes wide opening facing the ceiling. Like a zombie. Devoid of emotions, i dint put myself down, i didnt try t convince / self console myself. I was like emotionally dead. Nothing touched me, nothing stirred me.

Literally nothing. I was cool as much as i couldnt sleep. I laid in bed for 3hrs before falling into a slight slumber, i woke up immediately the alarm rang. I wasnt tired like how i should be, i went t the showers immediately. No groaning, no complaints nothing.

As much as it terrifies me, i reckon this t be a good change. I remember him hugging me and assuring me that he loves me and he wants the best for me blah. What terrified me was that i didnt stir, my heart came t a standstill. I was emotionless.

I had this concept that if i kept changing while he kept pinpointing me and expect me t change, there'll be a day when my love for him will inevitably fall out. It will fail t exist, and we'll no longer be able t communicate. For a simple reason; because i'm not perfect.

If he kept expecting me t change and he remains the way he is, there'll come a time when we'll be quarrelling everyday okay maybe mostly him going crazy over a certain flaw i just cant shake off. Am i right ?

Going t malaysia on wed, maybe with gramps and grans. I hope this detachment ( as alex puts ) will not fade, because i like how organised i am right now. How much physical exhaustion is non-existent, how much i can be calm and think about my own problems without being impulsive.

Thank god for giving me alex t be my friend. We both face it daily, at least there's someone whom i can inevitably talk t, someone who understands not someone who tries t understand.

i can feel it, fading away.

I see the need t emphasize this point; I DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND.

Ivan said i seriously need one, and he pissed me off. Though i didnt say it because i didnt want t be mean, i know you meant well but i think i'm pretty fine on my own.

2009-11-01T21:14:00.002+08:00

I know my previous post sounded depressing. Too depressing. But i just needed some reprieve, people vent their disappointment and unhappiness different ways, i so happen t be the high school nerd. i get my reprieve from writing.

I'm feeling abnormally calm now. Even though i know i should be downright depressed over the sudden change in our relationship. But it so happens, i'm numb. I dont know why, so stop asking me. Its like everything doesnt feel like me anymore, its like i'm viewing everything from a outsider's point of view.

I could feel it today, when he said i was selfish when i did something wrong. ( i agree i did something wrong, but i didnt know it meant i was selfish ) I didnt really care, i didnt get that oh i'm in the wrong kind of feeling. I felt exclusively in space. I really wasnt paying attention, i just kept remembering that i'm gonna work hard towards my dream home.

As much as i should have been defensive like i should, i wasnt. I was surprisingly calm as all the details sunk in. I couldnt smile happily today either, maybe its just me. Maybe its because i lost my capability t be happy. I dont know, its a scary feeling, like i dont know myself anymore. But i like this new me better, its scary but i know what i'm doing and i dont get emotional anymore. I dont get impulsive, i dont let people affect me. Its a good change for once. A extremely good change, i no longer have t get depressed over something trivial and i can for once, channel my concentration towards my studies.

I had t keep reminding myself, nothing matters more than my gpa right now.

Its true as much as it sounds crudely inhumane. Grans and Gramps came over for dinner yesterday, i was really overjoyed. I couldnt stop fussing over them, especially grans. Shes a lil darling :) That was the only time since my blog post that i felt happy. So unlike me, i'm always over cheerful, over elated sometimes i wonder if its even normal. Some people say i'm like so fake and y'know try t act close with people well, happy you peeps. I'm changing, t be someone more composed now. Like that wu zhun in gong zhu xiao mei, never loses his temper, so calm and disturbingly mysterious. Jeez, i like him; i've got the damn hots for him.

He could feel my distant personality today, he kept insisting he wasnt scolding me and that he was teaching me. Asked me t be more self confident and not be afraid t tell him anything. Uh oh, sorry dude, my self esteem just hit the new low. Really, i feel so worthless now. Sigh, i remember sitting on the bus on friday morning, asking myself if i was truly so worthless and i couldnt find a reason t convince myself that i'm not.

And i believe it will continue t be this way. Was incredibly quiet today too, didnt laugh at any jokes like i usually do. Like how David Archuleta always sings in just a lil not over you,

I just cant face the truth, and i dont know why.

I really dont know whats wrong with me. Well, i'm sorry if my friends think i've changed. Its this gradual disappointment in life that i dont see the need t put in so much of my effort into it. Lets all face it, not everyone has happy families. Happiness only lasts for a fragment of life, something i'll never understand.

So in love with David Archuleta right now, he looks downright cute but his voice, sounds so comforting, something i can sleep with everyday. Like waking up t see the most beautiful guy you love, next t you every morning which makes you smile.

I think i'll be blogging often, i need a reprieve. I really do, this feeling i'm having is worst than knowing that gramps passed away. Worst than my 2nd break up, worst than grieving over gramps, worst than knowing that i'm like the lowest in my gpa during last yr's class. Worst than knowing i'm the ugliest girl on earth, worst than the taunts i got in school.

Its worse than everything bad i've ever experienced.

I dont see the need t talk when i dont have t, i hope you like the new change. I cant bring myself t express my feelings anymore, its better this way. I can focus better on my studies. Its what i should do anyway, i hope ivan is right. I hope i can go somewhere else t study, and leave this god forsaken place.

Wynne, you're wrong. you've people here you want t stay with, i dont.

Not that i dont have friends, i do and i love them. I love my family too, but i like the independence, i want t be free. I know this is going t sound crazy, but i dont see myself missing my family if i really go overseas.

I find myself increasingly weird at times, i can let go of things really easily. I find it a good thing like what i always says, you'll never see me getting upset over a boy who happens not t feel the same. I'm like that, and i think i'm becoming worst, i'm becoming unfeeling.

I want t leave, i want t break free.

god help me, help me leave this place you forsaken for the other kids you loved other than me.

2009-10-30T20:18:00.002+08:00

Lets all face it, happiness isnt eternal.

As much as we want it t be soooo everlasting or exceedingly extended, it hardly ever happens. Maybe it just applies t me, i dont know. I've been trying my very best t refrain from blogging about my personal matters with him with me most of the time feeling horrible and crying t sleep over trivial ridiculous matters. But today, i really cant take it anymore. I can feel my anger escalating, and i know i need t blog before i go crazy.

I'm glad that writing makes me feel better, a fucking 100% times better after i let out my steam. Well most of the time anyway. Yesterday was supposed t be like what ?

the happiest day i've experienced in weeks. ( since we're going malaysia )

Well it turned out t be the most miserable day ever. And yes, i'm fucking complaining whether you people like it or not. Me and his holiness had a huge fight. Well, lets just say i was on the receiving end, shall we. I admit it was my fault on the part where i was being increasingly irrational by doing some stupid thing t block up my SIM card.

I admit, its my fucking fault okay ? I've nothing t say in that point. As for the rest of the accusations you hurled towards me, be it physically or psychologically; it just so happened that i dint realise that it was pissing you off so badly sire. What else do you want me t say ? There're so many things i find unfair i want t just ball up and cry. The only reason stopping me from doing that is my strong, stubborn and insistent i'll never let people fucking beat me down attitude.

I realised i've changed as i mentioned in my previous posts, and i've changed for the better. But was it enough ? Apparently it wasnt enough t please you. Am i right ? I thought our increasingly good relationship was a bonus, something i wanted so very badly. You know what? I think its a fallacy now, a fucking fanatical fallacy i wanted so badly i was blinded by my own insensitivity t realise you've been tolerating me all this while.

Its always the same few;
please change your attitude, be more pro-active. More considerate, less selfish, more loving, eat less, study harder, dont be tv-addictive, please be a better sister blah blah blah.

You want me t go through what i've changed ? When you first hit and scolded me over these things, i thought t myself how unfair you were being towards me. My brothers were doing things you never imagined they would have done, and you were praising them up t the skies. While me, was trying so hard t salvage this relationship, being a good daughter, a better one t suit you, t be up on par with you t be the daughter you always dreamed and wanted t boast t people about, the daughter you always dreamed of having.

I changed for the better, i swear i did. I spent my holidays with ELON, revising, scolding teaching him all the same. Teaching him school subjects he should have been doing himself. You werent there when i cried over his disobedience, his computer addict attitude and my own loss of fun and monetary income i could have recoup in this holiday. You didnt know a single thing, why ? Not because i wanted t lie t you like you always love t say. I was trying t protect Elon's reputation, i didnt want his relationship with you t come t a standstill, i didnt want t see you hitting him. I tried my best, nothing but my very best. I came up with all kinds of tactics t teach him, so much so my tears were bucketful every night.

Let me name some;
buying his favourite subway cookies t reward him.
sitting beside him talking t him nicely.
Giving him a schedule and allowing him t use his computer just t keep him going.
Cooking lunch for him, trying my best t cook new things.
Being innovative, trying t engage in his teen life.

When all these failed, i had no choice but t cry and scream at him. Had i not done my best ? You didnt know, and i didnt plan on letting you know. You wouldnt believe anyway, i just wasnt that clever and selfless enough in your eyes.

Vincent's part, well i tried my best t talk t him he just dont give me a damn. Especially since he thinks he knows the whole universe so well. I tolerated everything, them not washing the dishes all the time, them doing despicable things which is too private t be mentioned here.

You dont know what they think of you, do you ? I dont think you do, but i can promise you, their love and dedication is not even 50% of mine. I've been trying so hard t be the kind of daughter you always wanted. I may not show it all the times, i just so happen t be unlucky, they do things on the surface and get praised, i so happen t be stupid ( as vincent insist i am in front of you ) and do things which are deemed selfish, unreasonable blah.

It never occured t you how much of a quadraple life i'm living huh ? Mum was often grouchy, and i had t bear her nagging, hear her problems and everything. did anyone hear mine ? Oh sorry, but it so happened i'm so closed up i dont talk about my problems at home because it is all about my quadraple life and my situation is increasingly precarious.

Let me tell you what i've changed. I get the groceries for the family all the time now, i try t cook porridge and other things instead of noodles for better nutrition for the brothers now, I no longer complain when you ask me t do stuffs, i do it willingly. I dont do it and grouch behind your back like they do, i try my best in my studies, I try not t be tv-oriented, I clean the house when i can, I try t be less bad tempered, i try t balance the family, I try t be more selfless and sensitive etc.

is that not enough?

Oh i forgot, you just never noticed, even if you do you dont talk about it. I know i did very badly in my studies in my first year, i know what i'm doing now is not enough t help it up but i'm fucking trying my very best. You know what hurts the most ?

when you dont tell me how you feel, and let mum secretly tell me. Those hurtful accusations you toss at me when i'm defenseless. you dont clear your doubts, and you let it elude your vision. Its not fucking fair t me AT ALL.

I still remembered, you insist t mum i was lying t you about some dillusional non-existent friendship problem you insist Siewling, Qiaoyu and I had the day when i came home like 5hrs earlier than i should have when my answer was nothing but simple; qiaoyu bought what she wanted so we came home early.

You know what ? I think you never noticed the change in me, its always oh look at vincent! hes so motivated and hardworking he doesnt watch tv. Dang! Did it occured t you he watched all the episodes at his friend's Mio tv subscription before ? Hes not missing out on a thing at all, because he caught it all at Brian's. You just so happen t be clueless, and i dont plan on being a tell tale-r.

Oh look at elon! Hes so hardworking, hes always helping out at home. He works hard in his studies too. Oh really ? Did you see the times he uses the computer like mad whenever he can ? Awww you didnt ? Well i dont plan on telling on him either. Its meant t be a secret i'll bring t my grave. So i would appreciate it if cynt you just keep this post t yourself.

Its never me, never. Mum knows what i've been giving out in the family, she recognises it, she treasures me. She knows i'm better than them, shes always telling you about my virtues, nah you never bothered. Because L1R5 16points just so happen t be a very bad grade for 0-levels since i could have done better ( i agree but you never properly praised me and stuck with it ) and i'm always this two faced bitch you think i am thanks t the oh so godly Mrs Wong from BLSS who kindly for the love of god told you i was always lying t you ( when i'm not ) when she didnt even attend the counselling lessons i had with Mrs Goh!

ahahahahahahahaha, WHAT A JOKE!

Its hilarious really, when i think of her oh so nice gesture which ended me in like what, 3years of misery ? Gawd, she went on t counselling students in another sch i heard. I hope they dont end up getting the kind of misery i got thanks t her holy sermons Jesus gave her.

You know what? I'm nothing but a bubble of anger, i feel hatred towards you compared t the love i had before yesterday. After yesterday, i'm further convinced, that our relationship isnt going t go any further no matter how hard i try. Because you're never going t change, and i on the other hand keep trying t change t suit you. When i'm not fucking perfect.

Not a lot of people know my past, and i dont like t talk about it. Makes me gag when people say how strong i am, oh yeah if you include the self mutilations i did t my hands and the daily hell i got in the past of course i'm strong. Lets face it, if you faced hell in the past, and you face mini hell now, it doesnt matter as much. Its just like, a prick on my little finger which i dont even give a damn about.

I wonder why god loves t treat me like this, until i realise that god was building me up for the challenges ahead. No one at 9yrs old fell as bad as i did, couldnt sit for more than an hr for like what ? 2 months ? If not i needed 2 people t aid me t the canteen. Sitting at the benches watching people play when my legs are practically skinless and numb ( having fell on black tar carpark road in temasek poly on the last day of my swimming course which coincided with my swimming exam day ) and never graduating with the kind of swimming grade i always wanted. I can never be atheletic like what i used t be, i can never run as fast, i can never go back and turn time t prevent from falling down.

Moving Boonlay has been nothing but hell. I regret, nothing but regret moving t this god-loss place for me. First time in my life, i learned the meaning of bully, taunt and teasing. Thank you. I never knew those words back in the east but i learnt it on my 1st week of school. How comforting, so i'll face it.

What i'm facing right now is a mini hell, nothing compared t what i faced before. So i shall face it, but we'll never be the same. I wont aim t be either.

sorry i'm not perfect enough t be the daughter you always wanted.

2009-10-28T19:33:00.002+08:00

I dont understand what happened t my skin, but i supposed the background color was deleted thus the code names all popping up at the wrong places. Freaked siewling out though, thus i decided t change t this blogskin. It doesnt look as good as the first honestly, but the toasts look so grumpy my heart melts at the sight of them. :)

Alright, i miss siewling a lot i dont know why. Maybe its my overflowing oestrogen hormones which caused this sudden pining but i just miss her maybe its her boy-chasing tactic worthy skill of going offline suddenly and totally ignoring me hahahaha you jackass! I miss my sunshine and the days of holidays when we have picnics,cycling, tanning and the endless shopping we used t have. :(

I cant wait t go tanning, seriously cant wait. I'm going crazy thinking of it, in shorts and spag babydoll dress sitting on the mat chatting, listening t my mp3 and blowing bubbles. Ah, blissful life stress-free. :) I deleted my archives from my blog's sight so you people cant read it, okay not really i just deleted the slot for it because the words were all popping at the wrong places. -_- I've been hallucinating lately, about how it would be if i had a boyfriend. Notice the word, IF. I thought about it and decided, i would be broke half of the time and i would prolly be having slipping grades given the fact that i'm so lazy and unfocussed plus the extra expense of having t go shopping and buy certain anniversary stuffs. Added birthdays oh my, horrors of horror for me, because i'm never gonna go shopping without crying later because i cant get a thing.

Mallory and luchella were saving up. So i joined them, though for very different reasons. Them, all in the name of cupid, the naughty love angel and me all in the name of uh fun. I bought two bags, plus some added savings i wish i achieve and the plans of going crazy during the 3 weeks holidays soooo, y'know. Though for very different reasons, but valid and very much ongoing.

I still remember my silly crush a few weeks ago gosh *bangs head against the wall repeatedly*. It was fucking super duper silly i swear! All i could think about was this person i didnt even know, gawd i'm superficial. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I kept it a secret within myself and some other girls. I dont know why, but it started fading very soon especially after my unpleasant encounter.

i hate it when boys have ultra long hair covering their gorgeous eyes.

Seriously, i'm starting t think i'm a big ass superficial nehneh. But i cant help it, you peeps would just have t accept it. Going malaysia t get my contacts either tmr or friday. :) Okay thats provided if my degree dont like increase dramatically during these 6months of wearing contacts. Oh man, i hope it doesnt! :( I love wearing contacts its a new part of me i cannot do without.

I'm getting a little distracted and off track here but heres the main point. I had the biggest fight of my life with a close friend. I'm not gonna mention who he is, but he pissed me off badly. I dont know if he still reads my blog, but i would like t tell you if you're reading that;

If you want something,you should have the fucking guts t do it yourself. Getting me t do it is no different from getting any tom, dick or harry t do it.

I think i've been pretty nice t you in helping through your oh so holy mission. I risked my friendship with her t do that and i hope you understand. I may not be quick in replying, sure i may even be irritated with your constant smses and nudging even though i try not t show it because i dont want t hurt your feelings. But i think its fucking unfair that you scold me and hurl abuses at me which are irrelevant all over such a trivial thing.

If being attached t you is so important then do it yourself. I dont see the status of being attached a big deal. I may like someone and if i do i usually pretend nothing happens. I dont make the first move, since you made me make the first move then you better carry it on yourself. Like what siewling says, if you got her no. then get the fucking guts t do it yourself. I dont see myself at fault in this case at all. If you exclude the fact that i cant be bothered t reply you at times.

Everyone has a tolerance level. If you think i'm getting jealous of you going t get a girlfriend soon, or me irrevocably having this weird crush on you thus not helping you let me make this clear, i am not. I never do, i cant be bothered anyway. Since you dated so many girls before, this shouldnt be a problem.

I've taken this action t ignore you and it seems t me that you've done the same. Well, i'll take it that this is the end of our friendship. Its just a pity, t see our friendship end because of a girl. Well, i encountered this before and you're not the first. So holla, if you want it t be this way, so be it.

Alright, all typed and out. I feel good! :) I'm gonna be a good girl from now on, try not t be late for class and be a miss independent! Deriving self satisfaction and loving the people around me. I'll be a good girl i promise, even though the right one may not appear i think i'm pretty contented with where i am right now.

you came back,
haunting my thoughts, mind and soul.

2009-10-23T23:05:00.002+08:00

Lack of updates as usual, i've nothing much t say only t update on my increasingly mundane and erratically horrible nerdy life i've been leading. First few facts before i officially blog about my life, i just realised the extent of human nature just now. This immature imbecile actually impersonated me on my bs and pissed off a potential customer. But the replies were hilarious, i couldnt stop laughing.

oh well, just when i thought human nature was that bad, it kind of got worst.

What can i say ? Lets see, the usual y'know. Losers who hate me t the core well i'm sorry if you were wishing that i'm better off dead when i'm still here mundanely typing this boring post. Sorry t disappoint the regular readers though, i just dont see the need t blog though i've been more of an emotional wreck during the last 2 weeks of the hols till now, i kept having this inner battle with myself.

I kept asking myself if i should blog about it. I decided not t as i thought the blog would become too moody. Its just not keeping up with its cartoonic blogskin you know, and i dont want t bring its colors down.

Alright back t point, let me summarise what has been going on lately.

1. I, for the love of god am getting FAT.

2. I'm totally losing my fashion sense, god knows why.

3. I'm turning for good. ( will be elaborated )

4. I'm fucking stressed up, i cant take it :(

5. I feel so very outdated and different. :(

Is it just me hyper-reacting or ? Alex insists its a transitional phase which all young adults go through. :( Feels awful, nothing near awesome i tell you. And the worst thing is getting FAT, i'm just so sensitive t that word and i feel horrible when i hear people saying ; hey kat, you gained weight ? Oh my god, i think i'll just scream and freak out pulling my hair out in clumps. I'm healthy yes because i eat two servings of fruits and i regularly exercise now but its just this nagging downer feeling which i feel that keeps bugging me. Telling me that i'm nothing but FAT! :(

I fully felt my extent of pudginess during the trip t bugis on wed with jek and weiling. I tried on 5 floral dresses and none of them fitted without me pumping in my chest and stomach. -_- some girls say its because i've a wholesome chest ( i sure as hell dont agree! ) but i'm just sad y'know because theres this gorgeous floral dress and for some fat reasons i cant get myself in. But on a brighter side! I got a babypink striped dress :) It was nothing near sophiscated, it was just so darn sweet i decided i had t have it. I love the color even though jek and weiling think that light blue is better.

Well, i just so happen t like the pinkiness so much i had t have it. Its more of the color fetish and the comforting thing that it kind of fit LOL :O Jek said something i'll never forget, she said even though i asked for their opinions, i'll still go by what i like. At first i thought it was an insult y'know because i keep asking people and in the end i choose something that totally dont tally with them but jek says its a compliment because it shows that i'm not easily swayed and i stick by what i like. :) Hopefully we can go shopping again! :D

I cant wait seriously, i need t get a new pair of shoes its driving me mad. I've purchased 2 very cute bags from taobao spree and i hope i'm the only one in sg who has them! still considering if i should purchase the pink dott-ed bag. :(

Alright enough of my rants. I've so much things t do today. Gonna buy groceries now for mum. Goodbye!

2009-10-17T14:45:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates peeps! :) I've been nothing but a wreck lately. I've been feeling down, upset and disappointed. Towards who i dont know, its just this overwhelming gloom which keeps lingering around.

Someone once said i'm honest and true t my feelings when i blog. So today i shall blog exactly what i feel. i've been contemplating if i should blog about it, until i decided i needed a reprieve. I've been crying myself t sleep for the last three days over something silly. So silly i'm starting t think i'm crazy. I dont know if its some PMS thing or some moodswings all 18yr olds experience at my age.

I've been mourning over the loss of fun i should be experiencing ever since dad asked me t coach elon during his final leap towards the big exams. When he excitedly told me i was gonna be free on thurs, i immediately sent smses t the girls on wed night hoping we could hang out on thurs or fri. As fate would have it, everyone was lazy t hang out or they genuinely had something on. I was terribly upset, i wouldnt stop frowning, looking glum nor piss off at the slightest things.

Worst was when dad decided t go t gramps on thursday instead of friday. I was unprepared, i havent showered, i stank ( since i havent showered ) and i was having a bad hair day. I'm not being self conscious here, its what everyone would have done. They left without me and dad went t malaysia for lunch and shopping. I was adamant that i wont go out in that kind of hairstyle and overalls. I was really upset i wanted t cry, i wanted t visit gramps and grans sooo much, i just fucking hate last minute plans. Especially when its i'm just awake and they're already half foot out of the big door.

First it was rejection t hang out then its some last minute plans. I know i know, you people probably think its my fault but come on, would you go out in that hairband slicked back fringe and hair tied up in a ugly ponytail with half opened eyes and blaaah. i for sure cant take it, i'm not trying t maintain a certain standard of pretty, i'm not being a bimbo as many might have said. I'm just trying to fucking look decent when i go out.

Okay back t topic, i'm feeling horrible. Thank god baby came over on thursday though. :) I miss her so very much. Shes the epitome of beautiful t me, her big hazel brown eyes embedded in her porcelain pale skin face, her perfectly shaped thin lips which draws into a smile most of the time, and her gorgeous soft brown hair pulled up into two cute ponytails. Anyway shes getting fatter and i'm so very pleased. i'm not some sadistic asshole wishing she gets overweight.

Anyway i think i shall stop now. Have an orange, get an apple out and go for dinner at jurong safra with wynne. Thank god i still can hang out, girls talk on monday! :D CHENGYUN, PLEASE REMEMBER T BRING THE YRBOOK HOR! :)

alright, i've no one but myself t blame for not being t hang out this week. I cant be selfish!

busy deciphering your love,
while i work out your insolence,
towards this fading relationship.

2009-10-11T11:52:00.002+08:00

I know I know, dont get me started. I know i've been practically missing for the what past few days or weeks as you wish, though there isnt a really practical reason for my missing act, its just my pure laziness.

Sorry for the lack of updates readers! :( Ariel asked me why wasnt i updating so here i am updating. For people who wished i was dead, sorry t disappoint you but i'm still alive and kicking planning out my next shopping spree and business strategy. For people who've been cursing me up t the heavens for not updating well i'm sorry it just so happens laziness strucks once in a while you will just have t forgive me.

I dont plan t blog much honestly, just t say how boring my past one week has been since i've been at home :( Banned might i add, from hanging out since dad wants me t tutor elon. Went t get my bursary yesterday, was supposed t go with amanda but i ended up going alone since i was late. :(

When i reached there, the most random thing of my life happened. This girl started waving t me and saying hello when i hardly know her. I felt pretty awkward in asking her who she was y'know since it was sweet of her t remember who i was and i didnt take the effort t remember her.

Worst still, when she said hi t me those random thoughts started filling my head. Like oh my, maybe shes a reader of my blog and shes some crazy fanatic, or oh my my notoriety must have wore off somewhere t be so well known even outside school HAHAHAHAHA. I must be nuts, i must be.

Alright so she happened t be the incredibly frank and hilarious joan. Siewling's classmate. I honestly didnt expect her t remember me, i must be infamous ahahahahaha! Anyway i ended up chatting with her throughout the whole presentation. It was hilarious talking t her, she just keeps sprouting some amusing stuffs that make me laugh and giggle like mad.

I finally met my match yesterday. I've been known t be an arsehole as most people know, and i'm usually afraid of nothing. There was this weird girl sitting beside me and she was randomly
spewing verbal assaults at like no one. It was fucking random i swear! I remember sitting there all quiet because joan wanted t have a quick nap and she said pretty loudly; BIMBO! I was astounded by the fact that she wasnt facing anyone when she said it and with the accompany of her loud blasting music from the headphone glued t her ears. I was so shocked, i thought she meant me.

Poor me tried t reassure myself that i was hallucinating, or maybe i was getting dillusional since i've been home like forever. I kept asking myself,

do you have the looks ? : Maybe

And then i thought a lil longer and i decided not t be so arrogant and full of myself so i decided that i look average which simply means i dont have the looks.

do you have the brains ? : HELL YEAH.

I was pretty sure of this, so i kind of crawled out from her shallow shell of accusation. Poor old me spent like 10mins thinking whether she meant i was a bimbo or not. My final conclusion decided that maybe she was just singing along t some song and it so happened bimbo was the only word she knew in the song since she had her headphones glued t her ears.

I was however sent through this torturous regime again when she defiantly said ; idiotic fat ass when the treasurer of buddhist lodge went up t give a speech. I was thoroughly freak out i tell you. Again she had a straight face when she said it but you could hear the venom in her voice. I was really spooked out, i keep glancing back and forth t joan who was giggling like mad for no apparent reason. Or maybe i was too spooked out t pay acute attention.

This time i didnt have a final conclusion at all because i remain convinced that i am fat. I just cant steer myself out of this nagging feeling that i'm a fat girl. Y'know even though jek think i'm not i still think i am. You wont understand unless you're me constantly reminded by health conscious parents twice the size of me ( my dad ) that i'm fat and i need t lose weight. So i resorted t a new method, i tried self consoling myself that i do exercise at least 3 times a week and that i'm healthy.

Fat in a healthy way.

I know i sound absurd but under these conditions you've no choice but t live with it. I battled my inner self for a long time before telling joan what happened because i didnt want joan t think i bitch about random people all the time ( which i dont, if you think i do you seriously dont know me well enough ) but i decided t tell her anyway. Regardless of what she thought of me.

She gave me a shocked and amused look when i told her. -_- But towards the end, i heard her giggling and when i asked her why, she told me the girl was mumbling t herself. I obviously heard it i just didnt want t tell joan because i was afraid she might have a bad impression of me. I mean its my first time talking t her and i didnt want t ruin it.

In short, joan went off t meet her friend. She made a reminder of our friendship by girlishly squeezing my chubby cheeks together before she left. The girl beside me was random, seriously random. She suddenly stood up and asked me if i knew where t get the cheque from Lixuan ( the taoist federation worker ). She spoke t me in a sweet and demure manner i swore i went crazy.

Till then, i decided that she has a bipolar disorder. I dont blame her, maybe shes pretty stressed up in JC life. I'm just thoroughly freaked out, dont ask me why, i dont know myself i just know it was freaking eventful.

Anyway i saw herman too! :) Saw a few people i knew and it was pretty unexpected.

Alright back t business. Stupid saichong keeps calling me catty in msn its pissing me off. In case you dont know what catty means, its a form of weighing term for meat. hell yes it is. I insisted he called me katty and he kept calling me that! :( I swear i was getting mad, seriously! He is getting more and more like glen in that cheeky manner. Oh god, one glen is enough t make me nuts now theres another replica! KILL ME.

Okay, i've decided t start an online business selling mashimaro mp3s, hello kitty, those non-authentic ipods and some more other weird shaped mp3s. :) I know there're more cartoon characters on the way but i'm still setting up my blog so it takes time. I was thinking of posting the shop's link up here when its done but i'm still considering. Would you readers be interested ? Just tag me. Am getting twitter soon yay!

Okay i'm gonna go set up my blog now.

Good Day.

2009-09-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

What can i say ? My results were terribly disappointing t me at least. Lets kindly review them before i can endure anymore hurtful accusations towards my best friend.

QA - B

RC - B

RWPS - B

UCCD - B+

FMA - C+

MR - C

Gpa : a pathetic 2.786

I'm really disappointed in MR you know. Even though i'm not whining about it it really doesnt mean i've gotten over it. The girls think i've done a fantastic job of improving since my previous gpa was 1.996. but honestly, its not that fantastic when you think of the jump in my cumulative gpa which was like a ultimate show-down of 0.2 only.

Anyway my next post is gonna be up real soon. Meanwhile check out this pic i got from zhengkang's email. And i think its totally true.

What cn

2009-09-22T20:07:00.002+08:00

The suspense is killing me.

Results are gonna be bombarded tomorrow and i'm officially freaking out. Nothing can describe the escalating fear and pounding heartbeat against my ribcage.

Bought one black dress, one floral dress from max and more and 2 basics 3/4 sleeves top from Dorothy Perkins today. As much as they're pretty, they cant relieve the stress i'm having right now. My body is burning hot, with a raging headache going on.

Not t mention, i'm on my pathetic period now which totally sucks. Damn i hate being a woman.

I still have 4 big bars of kit kat t finish on my part. Oh great, just when i thought i could lose some weight. But still please applaud me for running 3.2km in the past two days, i think its a gigantic feat for me which i did it! :)

Great day out with qy and sl today. But it still cant dispel the fear i'm feeling. Its horrible! :(

oh fuck it, i'm gonna take it as it comes.

Oh gawd, i just wish is at least 3.0 for this semester.

2009-09-19T18:14:00.002+08:00

Everything settled, i'm feeling great now so lets move on t the 2 big ass issues i was tickled t blog about. Highly controversial topics and one of them is just so darn hilarious i laugh everytime i think about it.

Can you imagine getting copyright for food ?

Fuck no right ?! I sure as hell didnt know that existed. If you had been reading the papers lately, some big shot Malaysian Datuk/minister or whatever mentioned that food such as;

1. Bak Kut Teh
2. Chilli Crab
3. Hainanese Chicken Rice
4. Laksa
5. Nasi Lemak

They somehow or rather mentioned that other countries are reaping the benefits from these foods when it should have been their credit. T be honest, i almost gagged myself when i saw that article. I was happily sipping coffee when i almost spit it out in daddy's face. Thank god i managed t swallow the coffee before bursting out loud in laughter. I turned blue from laughing. ( no i'm not exaggerating it was that funny. )

This article was published a few days in the Straits Time and i'm glad i didnt miss it out. Back t the very main point, i must really give my credit t that person who actually came up with this 'ingenious' idea. What can i say ?

Hey you know what ? I think S'pore should start copywriting rojak, stingray, hokkien mee, blah blah. Oh come on seriously do you think food can be copyright-ed ? What i couldnt stand was their stand offish attitude say that these foods actually originated from them when they dont. Spare us all the painstaking belly laughter from your foolishness and the absurdity of this proposal please! They sounded like other countries are ripping them off, with their ridiculous certainty that those foods originated from them.

Firstly need i remind all of you people, sure maybe some do but specifically there're some that dont!

Hainanese Chicken Rice dont get named for nuts. See the word Hainanese ? They originate from the dialect group of Hainanese people who originate from a province called Hainan in China and mind you, they're from China in case you cant phantom where the hell it is. I'm not talking without proof, read today's LIFE section from Straits Times before bombarding me with senseless accusations.

Second is Bak Kut Teh, from the newspaper it originated from China since the Chinese immigrants came to S'pore and thus introduced the dish here. Sure some Chinese Immigrants may have went t Malaysia and introduced the dish there but still, it fucking came from China.

Third is S'pore's signature dish ; Chilli Crab! This Auntie in claims she was the one who invented the dish and yes much t the hurray of Singaporeans, she is a singaporean. Imagine my bursting pride when i read that, A SINGAPOREAN INVENTED CHILLI CRAB! Call me Sua Ku i dont care, but i still think its a pride-worthy dish that has became part of our Uniquely Singapore Dish! :)

Fourthly is Nasi Lemak, well some food consultant in the newspaper mentioned it could have originated from Indonesia which i really dont care. I'm just writing because it might not have originated from Malaysia.

Fifth is Laksa. Okay t be fair t that guy who gave this dumb suggestion of copyrighting these foods, it might have originated from Malaysia since they've 8 different kind of laksa-s.

I'm not writing this t spite Malaysia ( i got evan all riled up :O ) or t spite malaysians whom have been nothing but incredibly sweet and accommodating t me and my family whenever we head in t JB for dinner or a much celebrated supper. I'm just writing this because i cant stand the absurdity and the much loathed accusation that person seem t be heading right back at us.

Sure, Singapore may not be a very finanicially-friendly place t live in, i may not like 60% of the things here, i may prefer kampongs in Malaysia more, i may prefer the attitude of the kindly malaysians more, i absolutely loathed the kiasu-ness and kiasi-ness of singaporeans but that doesnt mean i wont refute against such allegations against us!

On a lighter note, i may be wrong but still, its like they're accusing us of taking away their 'copyright' food, reaping the benefits of them like what they should have been since practically all of the food has been named in Uniquely Singapore Travel Guides.

i may not be a university / PHD / Master's Degree/ Bachelor's Degree/ JC student but i think i have enough common sense t know that food may originate from a certain place but they evolve from place t place.

That person what thought of this obviously has this concept, let me give you a scenario.
Oh hey, dont buy chicken rice from bong tong kee lah, its EXACTLY the same flavour as those by the roadside stalls mah.

Now you get what i mean ? Its this ridiculous concept which makes me gag. Whats more, that absolutely proud stand offish attitude which just pisses me off, they think they're being exploited, they think they're being ripped of their benefits they think other countries are the culprits without even make constructive accusations nor research before handing out a decent proposal.

Like hello ? Before i accuse people of things, before i bitch about people i always have solid evidence or verbal ones i've seen/heard with my own ears before i start complaining. That person obviously has no brains maybe he has one a pea for one. Of course i hope this thing wont snowball into some fight over the copyright among countries, that would be downright stupid. I applaud the chairman of the Uniquely S'pore campaign t continue putting these dishes, just because your head has been in your ass long enough doesnt mean everyone is as well.

Oh and honey, before you make baseless accusations, KINDLY gather evidence before commenting lest you lose your own credibility. And i find it a need t say this; i'm targeting the person who came up with this idea, not malaysia/malaysians so stop being so fucking sensitive and coming up t tell me i'm insulting malaysia/malaysian's intelligence because I AM NOT.

Next on is the highly controversial Miss Ris Low! Gawd she made the headlines a few days ago, though the whole page was only dedicated t half of her, but i think thats enough t be a humongous news. Surprisingly, today's newspaper life section came out! :) Out of the 40 comments emailed in comment of that article, let me share some really good ones with you people so we can all improve our english and be good speakers and writers! :) Gawd i'm so excited i'm getting dillusional. *rolls eyes* words in red bold are highly recommended phrases! Jeez, they're good! :)

1. BEAUTIES WITH BRAINS, PLEASE. By Dennis Saw Teng Sheng

Ms Yin said many S'poreans speak like Ms Low. ( Miss Singapore )
Well, pardon me. Lots of Singaporeans do not get t represent Singapore at Miss World Contest.
Miss Tracy Lee, an events director at ERM World Marketing which organised the local pageant, said the ability t speak proper English is not as important as looks are more important in a beauty contest. ( Gawd, means bimbos can be chosen t be Miss Singapore?! )
That is a strange statement. Surely beauty queens must have the whole package: good looks, wit and intelligence.
We must choose a representative who can hold her own on the world stage. I hope that Miss Low will work hard t improve her English and do Singapore proud in Dec.

2. PLAIN, BAD ENGLISH By Mr Brian Wong

Bad English is bad english. There're no two ways about it. I cannot believe the chairman of the Speak Good English Movement spoke up for her. ( Seriously, i also cant believe it myself. )

3. EXCUSES ARE A COP-OUT By Miss Jennifer Loh

We must not make excuses for Miss Low and say that many Singaporeans speak like her. ( thats not fucking true, even people i know who cant speak english well dont speak as bad as her! I totally agree t stop making excuses for her. Its bull t even think that teens these days speak that badly unless you mean those lians bengs and huays ) That is a cop-out. I hope she will enrol in a crash-course t improve her English. Please do Singapore proud and speak proper English.

4. SPEAK BETTER, PLEASE. By E-Ying Wee.

Ms Jennifer Yin, head secretariat of the Speak Good English Movement, said she hears Ms Low's speech patterns in young people on the train. ( this is totally bullshit, i dont hear that at all at most i hear are singlish and bad pronunciation but really not that horrendously bad just continue reading.)
I'm not sure what train she has been taking but from where i come from, young people do not say 'rad' for 'red' , 'preens' for 'prints' or 'zibbra' for 'zebra'. ( damn nice rebuttal, i'm thoroughly impressed and its written by a female! i'm elated! :D )
We need t remember beauty contests are platforms t showcase S'pore t the world. We may not win, we may not even get t the semi-finals. But the contestant serves as an ambassador of our nation. ( smashinggggggg. )
Do we want other countries t know Singapore as a place that 'boomz' ?

Okay these are what i've read and decided t post up here for reference and as a kind reminder t myself t speak better english since i always mumble and mince my words incoherently. I'm not being mean, i'm just writing my personal opinions.

Oh my, just imagine me standing in front of the mirror speaking hard English words t upgrade myself, those scrunched up contorted face oh gawd! Honestly i think she needs a crash course, i just want t remind everyone that its alright t speak singlish but its not alright t mince and change the pronunciation of the words. If you're someone who can unconciously change from being a articulate professional speaking English t the alley Singaporean at the hawker centre punctuated with excessive singlish, that is totally fine.

Oh my, i cant believe i even took t the trouble t type out comment by comment on the Miss Low thingy and the obnoxious "i wanna fucking copyright those food lest those freeloaders rip off my rightful benefits!" guy article.

I guess this world is filled with un-censored limits of fun and absurdity. We'll just have t bear with it and mind you, i just jogged 1.6km today but i think i substituted it with those 2 bowls of rice earlier. :(

Thats all! 29th - sentosa outing, 22th - day out with 2 chicks. :)

I'm a official arsehole, like i dont know it already.

Back t my usual rants, i always believe a guy who genuinely love a girl who adore the ugly clothes she wears the way her fringes are clipped up when shes doing housework but i guess thats bull for me.

Big joke, while i was running i was still thinking of that eyecandy and i remembered how muscled he was, whenever i tried t convince myself i should just stop jogging and walk i tell myself; s lah kat you so fat still want t find a way out, see see he so hot need time t train one what! you still want t be fat and pant after climbing stairs meh ?

Oh well.

Good day!

2009-09-19T15:00:00.002+08:00

I honestly had two freaking big issues t post here. Seriously, but now there's three and its pissing me off t the point i decided i shall get my smelly arse in the showers before posting.

why must life be so difficult for me ?

Girls, my mum asshole-dly accepted a last min freelance job for tmr and monday. So that means i'm free on monday. But tuesday is out because i need t get accquainted with siewling and qiaoyu since qiaoyu is leaving for china on wed.

I hate it when mum gets the extra job without telling me, making me mess up my schedule.

Poor me alr had it planned out t spend time with her on monday, and she just told me she decided t accept hazel's last minute job application. What the hell ?

I dont know how i'm gonna explain t the girls, and i dont know how i'm gonna cope with my life after this mid-life crisis. I had everything all planned out telling weiling say i need t spend time with my godly mum since she hadnt had a off day for 2 weeks.

So monday was cancelled in favour of me well mostly, unless i'm hallucinating the sms weiling sent me. Lulu just smsed me t ask if tuesday was fine, and the first thing that came t my mind was oh crap, what am i going t do ? I seriously dont know how t explain, and i dont know how they would feel towards me after this.

i hate it when things fucked up like that.

I shall be an arsehole and put the blame on god damn last min hazel for always getting people at the fucking last minute for jobs.

If she didnt call mum things would have gone as planned, as for mum shes just an asshole ! Though hazel is a bigger asshole. I alr told her since monday shes free i'm gonna do some things with her and now this.

I decided not t go sentosa on mon cos of her and now this! Tues is mall's off day thats why the chicks could all go tgt ( if i could make it but it seems impossible. ) you know what this means ? Next time i'm not gonna be fucking nice and plan things ahead with my family or anyone else.

I'm not gonna spend time with mum on her minimal off days as i usually do because theres this poignant risk of her working for hazel because she insists the pay is high. While i shelve apart my schedule of entertainment for her only t be a jackass t my friends and say ; sorry my mum is working on monday again, can we change the date back t monday ?

If it was some poor suspecting dick they would think i'm lying. But still this leaves a bad impression, what if this was work?! Honestly fucked up right now i cant think straight. I dont even dare t reply lulu's sms alr.

you know what ? Just fuck it up.

2009-09-16T17:00:00.002+08:00

Might i add before i get my incredibly sore ass t bed, i'm freaking out for next wed.

what if i get lesser than 3.0 gpa for this semester ?

I can alr imagine the disappointment in myself and the people around me. Oh god, i hope that doesnt happen.

i saw someone that i mistook for you.
does that shed some light on how much you mean t me ?

2009-09-16T16:25:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling so horrible right now i think i'm better off dead.

Cycling with siewling and qiaoyu yesterday took a serious toll on me. We really had fun but history repeated itself at night. Those burning limbs and painful kneecaps pain came back. I dont want t talk about it. Purely horrific experience i tell you, just imagine the excruciating pain when you move your limbs or bend your caps or even try t rest your caps straight.

i couldnt even walk without aid.

It was that bad. I remember sleeping at 11pm with spicy numbness all over the lower part of my body since mum sprayed some chinese medicine on me. It did make me feel better, since i was experiencing the spicy-ness of my skin instead of the aching pain which was intolerable. I

I ended up waking up a 1am t excruciating pain. Heard daddy at the sitting room fixing up my computer so i called him out loud at least 10 times. He never came in, so i assumed he never heard me. Was lulled back t sleep 30mins later and ended up waking up at 3am again.

Sneezing non stop and dad came rushing in. Poor dad looked so worried that i felt so guilty. Couldnt walk so dad had t aid me all the way t the toilet, yes it was that painful.

Ended up sleeping on the sofa and t my surprise, the pain subsided exceedingly after 4am. Just like how it happened the other time.

Whatever it is, i wont give up biking. As much as i cant cycle, i love double-biking with my friends. As least i can experience how it feels like t cycle. Oh well. I'm getting upset and i dont know why. I'm still feeling horrible from a raging headache, aching pains in my legs and extreme lethargy.

Dad's going off next wed and i alr have activites lined up next mon and tues. But i dont feel like going t both events maybe its because i'm feeling horrible right now. The 8 chicks say they want t go t sentosa on mon, siewling and qy wants t go orchard on tues. With qy going off t hongkong the next day it doesnt give me an excuse t reject meeting up with her. Oh i dont know! :(

Movies with shane next week i guess. After wed though, and i want t watch aliens in the attic. Have been dying t watch that since forever! Been 2yrs since i last met him up aye ? I bet he gained weight with all the driving.

Alright i'm going t get a nap now. Feeling horrendous beyond words, oh just kill me now.

2009-09-12T11:31:00.002+08:00

I swear this is the most longest-feeling or rather laziest holidays i've ever spent in my entire 18yrs of my life.

I've been doing nothing recreational or contributive t the society or t my family lately. If you minus the minimal calls i gave t granny t keep her company, the days i hung out with the girls, the shopping i've done and the big saga that is finally over.

Really, its nothing t boast about. Neither am i proud of it, i'm just feeling so well like some y'know, big ass princess staying at home or just hanging out as and when i want t. I'm desperate for a job but i somehow lost the motivation t find one. Ever since dad told me not t that is even though occasionally he tells me he found a job for me t which i totally wasnt interested in.

i feel like a damn-ed freeloader.

Siewling didnt plan t work earlier and now shes bombarded with jobs, qiaoyu, chengyun, mallory, luchella, weiling ( she went back t zipia-madness.bs t earn some income which i consider as a job as well ), jiamin, amanda ( maybe so, i heard her procrastinating how much she wants t work at the IT fair so i assumed shes gonna be jobb-ed soon. ). As for the rest, i believe they had been contributing in some ways t their families and the society.

And its back t poor old me, broke and indecisive with the jobs i plan t choose and the determination t work. I'm still halfway through my ambition of baking pastries and i'm totally not motivated. What is wrong with me ?

Honestly, i feel like a jerk now. Not because of how i treated someone but more of how i had wasted my past one week not contributing in any way. Maybe i was t elon, since i coached him on Geography yesterday. Damn i love geography, just look at me. I still cant believe what miss chong taught me are still fresh in my mind compared t economics taught t me last yr.

I seriously am wasting my life away.

I thought i would be contributing some ways today since day was hoping we could spend like 2pm-8pm at grans' house, which i vehemently agreed t do so. T my disappointment, dad decided not t anymore. :( Just look at me, i feel like a bird with wings but with no freaking ambition/goals.

i'm better off dead.

Meanwhile i thought maybe being attached i could have some you know at least something t do. Like sms your sweetheart in the morning and those bittersweet phone calls daily. Oh well, who ask you t be single ah kat. I'm left with no choice but t fumble around in my room looking for something t do.

Even my room is neatly arranged and packed up.

My closet is neat as ever, my cupboards and table as well.

what more can i ask for ?

Oh gawd, i just want a job t get me away from this boredom! I cant imagine how teens like me can stay job-free for the long holidays. Its excruciatingly painful, maybe its because people around me are working their sorry asses off and i feel guilty. But whatever it is, i hope t see some change.

I seriously need a job!

The only motivation i have know is t shed the excess pounds. So un-ambitious yes i know. Dont start berating me because i simply just cant get pass this hurdle. Siewling would prolly be working during dad's overseas time. This is terribly upsetting.

The only thing i'm looking forward t is t visit grans later and the cycling trip next tuesday adding on with the steamboat and movies day with the eight chicks which are currently working underway.

good day then.

Missing you was just a fleeting thought,
i'm not asking for the williams shakespear's kind of t-die-for love,
i'm just asking for your fleeting attention.
is that too much t ask for ?

2009-09-06T20:40:00.002+08:00

Alright pictures. There're more in siewling's phone but shes out with her friends today. So for more, kindly check out her blog.

Qiaoyu has a t die for figure seriously. Siewling also. Dont berate me on how i never lose weight people! I just dont have the determination. :(

I'm so in love with taylor swift's you belong with me and terranaomi's say its possible. So god damn addictive, its all in youtube.

YOU BELONG WITH ME LYRICS! :)

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me lyrics LyricsMode.com

So darn addictive i tell you.

Reminds me of well myself, still hoping but whatever. Enough about me, i'm gonna go catch Hottie and Nottie on star movies now. :)

i still miss you.
i really do.

2009-09-04T19:57:00.002+08:00

Just t remind you people, if you're not interested in my life kindly do not bother reading this entry. Because i'll be updating on the marina barrage trip with the eight chicks and the Orchard trip with the two pretty chicks adding on with a girlfriend outing with one beautiful chick t vivo and bugis. Spastic comments are totally off track because i alr told you; if you're not interested, screw off :)

04 Sept 2009

Marina barrage with the eight hot chicks! :) Totally awesome, meaningful day which left me desiring for more. Met up lulu, jek and weiling at Jurong East at 11.50am because i was late. Sorry! :(

We got our ass packed and off t plaza sing! :) JM called on the way and said she was still in sch so i was like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, you know i was just so hungry. So i kept complaining t the girls how much my stomach is rumbling, what i didnt eat this morning blah. You could practically see the irritation on their faces lol! Compared t someone who spent her night crying herself t sleep the night before, i think i'm one abnormal girl since i was practically well quite cheerful the day after. Bubbling and talking non stop, i dont look or sound like someone who spent her night crying t poor old mummy. Oh well, i'm one crazy emo teen, cant help it.

Anyway we reached plaza sing and the first place we went t was cotton on! :) Hehe, i wanted t get a cardigan but i ended up not buying anyway. Totally forgot about Mallory chick, sorry! Slipped off our minds lah, sorry okay ? Next time we wont forget liao, i will carve your name on my nehneh. :O Bonkers, i think i'm losing my mind alright next!

Happened t see shuqin and her friend. Chatted for awhile before heading off t shilin snack place for oyster mee sua! Deliciously finger snacking i tell you, the sambal chilli was awesome. Was happily slurping down my meal when someone undesirable appeared. You should have seen how pissed i was, i smacked down my chopsticks and started hollering on how much i dont want t eat my mee sua anymore. Big drama, for big asshole. Weiling used my wallet t cover my eyes so i would continue eating, glad she did so if i would have spent $3.50 for nuts.

Early in the morning, and i have t feast my sight on something which irks me. The first thing that came t my mind was; singapore is fucking small. No mind you, she didnt ruin my mood. She just made me want t vomit my meesua. Alright first things first, that dint really happen i just like t be melodramatic and exaggerate a little, feels good you know. Just so you people could also understand my immense dislike ( i refuse t use the word hate, because its too strong ) for her.

Anyway when amanda and the girls came, we went t carrefour t get our stuffs. You should have seen us, pure aunties. Seriously! Talking so darn loud, walking in big lines and funniest thing was when ; we stood in the middle of the path and started camwhoring. Pure gag, everyone was staring at us and we were totally oblivious t that. Camwhored, hung out and i think shopping for groceries with the girls were fantastic! More like fanatical but whatever.

We got our chick asses over t marina barrage after the shopping. Hot like mad, and while waiting for the shuttle bus we were totally complaining how dusty it was, how hot it was and mind you it was like sauna hot. 100 degree celsius, i could feel myself sweating. Especially my underarms, okay thats not the point.

Anyway the bus came and we had sitting on it watching amanda's scary child like face.Oh my gawd, thats a classic! She looks so innocent i didnt know she could look so scary. Thanks t jiamin for the reminder lol! :) Gossiped chatted blah and we reached Marina Barrage.

Saw this shelter thing at the rooftop with ropes cutting us out from the shelter laden grass, but we still went in t put our mats for the picnic. All because i said so HAHAHAHAHAH. sorry! I really didnt know they dint allow it, shucks i tell you. The little flags only said we aim t serve you better, it dint mean we hope you wont sit on the grass because its out of bounds. But whatever.

Big joke was when we put everything there and the guard came in saying its not permitted. We ended up moving t some granite flooring, well the closest t a picnic experience. None of us were willing t sit under the bearing sun for the next few hours so you kind of guessed.

Ate chatted girl talk gossiped guy talk blaaaah. Everything passed by pretty fast. I love flying kites! Its my new official sport alr, joke. I swear the next thing up is cycling with siewling! Next time i get a boyfriend i'm gonna pull him t marina barrage for a picnic, t fly kite and t east coast for cycling. That depends if i even get one.

We all ended up rushing t marina bay mrt all because of me. Sorry! Just really scared of dad, but dont worry i got home 5 minutes before the deadline. :) Thanks girls! Dad has been really sweet lately so i shall ask him about thurs stuffs and let you know again.

Pictures kindly go t facebook and check out weiling,jiamin and mallory's profile.

05 Sept 2009

Day out with siewling the fat ass! Met her up at dover mrt, went off t orchard and ended up walking around aimlessly until Qiaoyu ( siewling's best best best friend ) came. Met her once before and i think shes really nice! Accompanied siewling for her interview with QY at tonikuchin. Is that how you spell it ? Bah, whatever!

Poor QY, she waited so long and shes still jobless. -_- Went for pepperlunch at shaw house and it was fanatical. Ended up talking a bull load t QY though siewling and QY talked more. Went far east for some really pathetic shopping which ended up in us going back empty handed. Treated siewling t her frappe and we started talking at mac.

The pigeons were walking t and fro with their heads bobbing 360 degrees. The girls freaked out, so we changed t a panel side table. But it didnt really work, so we decided t drink and talk on the way. ( Guess who we're talking about! *grins big big* ) Decided t get our delicate asses t mac inside some place behind bakerzin. I dont know what's the building's name but i sure as hell know we spent like 2hrs sitting there chatting gossiping bitching talking expressing our feelings displeasure blah blah on some people and some random nonsense. You could guess who was the main topic alr right ?

Thats like the ultimate hint and clue alr, just read siewling's asshole tag. But we really had fun, its been ages since you know other than shopping i get t fully enjoy a day without thinking of materialistic stuffs and getting t understand my friends more. :) I hope there're more picnics, cycling and girls talk coming!

We homed after that. So, lets move on t the next day shall we ?

06 Sept 2009

Day out with siewling! Just imagine, when you put two much deprived girls who hadnt shopped for the past 2 months, just do the equation, what do you get ?

Two monstrously shopping crazed girls wheezing pass malls and shops.

Horrific right ? I can imagine the faces of our imaginary boyfriends ( if we have one lah ) all scrunched up and looking so horrified. Now, that would be classic! Alright i shall be serious for once.

Something weird happened that day though. Siewling smsed my number and this lady called back. Scary thing was, that number appeared t be calling back was my number! And, my name didnt appear since she alr saved my number in her phone. Weirdest thing was, i was talking t grans on the phone during that time. Go on, give me the OMFG look! I know! i was like that when siewling told me, not like i'm afraid of ghosts or those crap but sure, its very susceptible t that fact adding on its the seventh month now. Okay moving on t the explicit details.

That anonymous lady : who are you and why did you sms me ?

Siewling : I'm siewling

TAL : which siewling ?

Siewling : I'm kai ting's friend, the one who went t her house for lunch during her birthday .
( Siewling thought that lady sounded so much like my mother because my mum answered my phone the night before and had a brief conversation with siewling. Though siewling did find it weird why that lady asked; which siewling ? Since my mum was able t identify her the night before and that ya'know shes the only siewling i know )

TAL : Oh Okay

Siewling : Sorry aunty

Need i remind you, that lady expressed no sign of unfamiliarity that siewling called the wrong person! Worst still, she sounded like my mother. I mean c'mon, if someone called you wrongly you will say something like hello you dialled the wrong no. etc. That lady made no sign of correcting siewling at all! Worst still, she made it sound like i was her daughter by acknowledging the fact.

Siewling was thoroughly horrified, like i wouldnt if it was me. I was mortrified as well, we couldnt stop wondering about it. Especially siewling since she was the one who was in contact with that mysterious lady. Scariest thing was, when she showed me her call list. She saved my name as mao mei, and before that call my name appeared as mao mei except that call! It appeared t be my number ( mind you exactly the same number as my handphone ) but the word mao mei didnt appear! I mean isnt that a cause for concern ? Same number but no name, jeez sounds like the horror movie ; phone call or was it telephone ?

Bah whatever, its about this phone call which strikes unsuspecting people telling them they will die blah. Siewling was freaked out and it did affect her a little during shopping. Oh well, t more bimbotic stuffs, i bought this cute flowery skirt, zipper tee and denim berms from cotton on ! Bugis has a cotton on store just look at my :O face! The cashier lady was some incredibly sweet young lady and i liked her instantly. :) Anyway we went vivo t shop and went t the veranda t admire the view. Though siewling ended up going t daiso alone hahahaha sorry! Just wanted t relax and look at the view, its beautiful. If you minus the construction sites and unbearable heat.

Went home after that. And we had a nice chat during the night about that mysterious phone call. Dad made a complaint t starhub and they said we're the first case here. Just imagine all the ghostly calls during this month. Aiyah, i do believe in the supernatural but i just dont think that call was related t them! I mean ghouls cant be that non-sensical right ?

Poor siewling was still a little freaked out. Damn that phone call seriously. I dont mind getting ghostly calls, kindly forward all of them t me please. Oh my, i seriously think i'm deranged. I just cant wait t really experience a supernatural experience in this life stage. When i'm all but 18 and happily anticipating such weird stuffs. But i still believe, theres nothing t be afraid of when you havent done a single thing against your own consience. Unless you count me hurling expletives at that slut, but then i dont care about that.

Okay next post shall be pictures. moving on!

2009-09-02T22:02:00.002+08:00

I saw B's nick and it was incredibly depressing but inspiring.

The silence wasnt so bad, until i looked down t my hands did i feel miserable as the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

This is just so sweet. Reminds me again that a relationship is erroneously bittersweet after an unwilling separation. :(

Maybe its better for me t be single.

Yes i think so too.

I still feel like a jerk, and theres a god damn bee in my room and my mum insists she cant find it. Its humogous and i dont foresee myself sleeping tonight.

i ask for nothing more,
than your knowledge of my existence in your eyes.

2009-09-02T21:06:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling awful even though the much dreaded exams have ended. I feel like a darn loser, a horrible time planner, event planner, job candidate, daughter and sister.

I thought i would be over the moon once the darn exams end, but unfortunately i was thinking about the 12 marks question which i got wrong. You dont know how miserable i was, i kept floating off t lalaland thinking about how i got it wrong. :(

After an hr of hanging out with the girls i did feel a little better, and now this has t happen.

Ask J for a job and he told me he has reserved for me alr. You seriously dont know how elated i was until there was a change in plans. Elon failed geog,history and i suppose literature as well. So i offered t be personal tutor for him, daily tutorings because i'm genuinely worried about him. Dad ended up saying i should not work this hols, and i could feel the sinking feeling in my stomach.

The first thing that came t my mind was; how am i going t explain t J ?

Dad had been a immense darling, he went t malaysia today just t get those delicious lollipops i had been going gaga about just for the picnic tmr. Even though the shop wasnt open, he went t circle 10 other shops t try his luck. When he told me i could feel the guilt sinking in as well, how am i t go up t tell him i want t work ?

I seriously cant get myself t open my mouth, and i feel awful. Towards both J and dad and Elon. I should not even be getting upset over not being able t work, i should channel my energy all towards Elon. As for J, i just feel so god damn crappy when he said; its not you can find people, its just that i want people i trust t work for me.

Trust is a huge word, a word filled with never ending responsibility. Something i never thought i possessed, and now i had t disappoint someone. Nice one kathlyn, you did a fantastic job! Sure as hell i did, this is just great.

And i cant bring myself t ask daddy because i feel like a jack ass taking his gratitude for thin air. You know since he had been so nice t him, i should be like that t elon. Hes my brother for fuck sake! And all i'm concerned is getting a job t have fun ?

Kathlyn chua, is that seriously what the fuck you're thinking of ?

How can i even be so selfish! I dont know what is getting into me, but i know one thing for sure; i'm one selfish lump of poop.

I just feel so hais awful, crappy, sluggish whatever. I cant be bothered t explain how i feel, i just feel so freaking argh!

Picnic tmr and i'm feeling like this now. All the unaccomplished, criticisms i get from people ( especially my family ), the failed relationships both in friends and well you know, sometimes i wonder why life is so full of obstacles, oh hell no its not full its brimming fully.

This week is all packed, well but i really do hope i can try my hand at baking and cooking tonic soups since mum has been urging me like mad. But i know, macarons i'll mostly be the only one polishing them off. Vincent might help since he has been so damn happy because he kept asking me if i've found the recipe and when i'm gonna start lol.

Glen ah, happy birthday in advance. :) sorry i gave you cash, dont know what t buy for you and besides since we're bff ( as you said ) i think its better you buy something you desire. Meet up soon ?

As much as i'm feeling unhappy, i have t remind myself i've always been accomplishment-less.

Maybe the results might prove me wrong, i really hope they do. I've put in a shit load of effort seriously. :( Just ask glen, i think he knows well technically.

And i'm getting too freaking attached or distracted about some guy that i totally cant stand it anymore!

Oh well. :(

I found myself thinking about you,
at the loneliest moments of the day,
when i hardly know your name.

2009-08-31T20:38:00.002+08:00

Life has been nothing but stressful and hectic.

I found myself tossing right and left in my bed for 2 holy hours before i fell into a somewhat deep slumber. Can life get any worst ? :( I cant sleep at night and i dont know why, i doubt its stress. I just couldnt get my brain t stop thinking about you and the horrifying days t come.

He had been a major distraction, i found myself thinking about him and well fma. Mostly fma, so stop trying t bud in and ask me who he is because i am bent on stapling my mouth from sharing. Well at least when J ( Jason Sim, i shall call him J from now on, have been calling him that since 5 months ago ? ) called, kind of awkward but did take my mind of him. Thankfully, i remember this sentence; No its not our love, its my wishful thinking. Adopted from uh, whats that author's name again ? I cant remember, i think its A B or was it samantha Brooke ? Cant remember, shall credit her when i remember.

Buzzle has been nothing but busy. Its totally ironic. Everytime when my exams ends, when i'm free t read the stories on buzzle, they all end up not posting altogether. Like all those authors had a darn pact t stop writing altogether from preventing me t read when i'm god damn-ingly free. :( New stories posted like in multiples daily, why dont i see that happening when my exams ended ?

Sigh, the day didnt end so well. Dad got angry you can guess, but at least they patched up together. Poor elon was the worst, he got 26/30 for his maths test, and not only did he not get praised he got one hell of a lashing for some well undiscerning attitude. I think its a little too harsh but who am i t comment ?

Just finish spotting the chapters t be coming out for MR on wed. :) Smsed glen alr, i shall sms the girls later.

Once the hols come, i'll learn how t cook delicious dishes plus my burning desire t make macarons! Not macaroons mind you, its those french cute little desserts called; macarons.

Miss Mila Lim mistook them for macaroons and i had one hell of a time explaining t her. Anyway i'm still sore from the fact that the sky blue bag huiping has is no longer available at the spree site, and the more upsetting fact that the prettiest floral dress i've ever seen in my life is dangling right in front of me with a exorbitant price of 60bucks.

I think its expensive because its all chiffon! I mean okay, it is chiffon material and its so darn thin. But the cutting, and the style is soooo i dont know how t say, only one word t describe it; gorgeous.

Showed mama on thursday when i treated her t a swensens lunch at jp, and she said that kind of dress used t be in fashion during her generation. Oh well, dont bother pouring salt on my wound, i'm already as sad as i can be. I know she reads my blog, and i know shes gonna go; omg its only 60bucks please, i spend 200$ at one go! Its only 60bucks and shes complaining, cheapskate.

Yeah whatever duh, at least i dont spend money on clothes looking so darn awful on my body. Colors that dont suit me, styles that dont suit me and only pursuing them because its the IN thing now. Let me kindly remind all of you readers/girls/blahblah a fashionista dont follow every darn IN thing blindly, the best fashionista buys and only wears clothes that compliment her. I hate it when everyone go high waisted shorts or go boho or whatever just because URBAN reported this is the IN-EST thing now.

When it looks awful on them.

Argh whatever, i'm having a major PMS. Thus the bad mood, plus the recoiling fact that, i'm still thinking of him. :(

I'm not asking much,
i just yearn for my existence in your eyes.

2009-08-30T20:18:00.002+08:00

Feeling fucking stressed up earlier. :(

Thank god alex gave me this sound advice for having a bar of choco. i really cant imagine him gone from my life, how will i ever cope with it -_- before he came it was hell, after he came it was like so much easier, comforting and blah.

I'm glad i had sucha wonderful friend :) He promised t make me a crossbow for that pervert opposite! And i'm gonna pick up archery wooooooooooooooo! from him obviously. Its sucha good idea i'm so relieved.

Jason sim called earlier. Its just i dont know i feel awkward talking t him on the phone. I start blurting out how stressed i was and he said so i called at the right time huh ? My job today is t make everyone happy!

He sounded a little too optimistic. And he kept saying and talking the usual dont be stressed stuff, and he promised t treat me a meal if i ace tmr's test. you think ? I think that meal is already over i told him, and he sweetly replied AWWW COME ON. YOU NEED T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! blah blah.

oh well, even told him about the pervert opposite. He asked if i was wearing sexy clothes, HELLO ?! Does oversized tees and basketball berms constitute sexy ? He said uh quite sexy leh. Okay so maybe its the generation gap, the 8yr difference ? I dont know, he offered a nice suggestion, take a small plastic bag, put a lil ink and water in it then throw it across t that asshole's window. I still preferred alex's idea, shooting the chopsticks into his retina. :)

and that didnt stop, he said after you throw remember must shout, kua si mi kua. Jeez, sounds familiar ? Its somewhat the same as what vincent said. When i shyly ( yes i was shy, i alr said i felt awkward talking t him on the phone ) repiled i cant do that, he said let me come t your house t do it for you.

Uh, paiseh. i think i'm blushing alr. But still, i think alex's plan is the best.

Feeling less stressed up now, i'm gonna do the rest now.

god please bless me tmr please!

I really need t get a B for this module. :(

Okay i think i'm freaking out again.

I still feel uncomfortable after that 6mins chat with Jason, or is it just me ?

i'm still thinking of you.

2009-08-29T18:21:00.003+08:00

Just when i thought life had gotten better, but no!

God decided he would give me his time of my life by presenting t me a psycho stalker opposite my window t spy me from his room.

I swear i dint know a thing! Poor old me was just mugging over fma, when i felt uneasy like someone was watching me. So i looked up and opposite me was this guy ( sick guy might i add ) staring at me! I know i know you guys might go; aiyah kathlyn hallucinating alr you see, shes so darn egoistic. Whatever! I thought so too, but t my horror he ducked his head t the side where i cant see a thing but his disgusting half naked body.

Well, blur as usual i thought maybe i was hallucinating. So i went back t mug, i decided t try again and t my extreme horror, HE DUCKED AGAIN THE EXACT SAME WAY! When he saw me looking up t him. Imagine my shock and freak-ness. Thank god i didnt make a fool of myself by making that cock face in UCCD that guy's pic on culture shock. Anyway i was terribly freaked out and i decided t use jek's usual style; self comfort myself. And tell myself that i was probably hallucinating for the second time.

Smart ass me decided t try this a third time, despite my initial shock. C'mon, if its you guys i'm sure you would want t confirm right ? Compared t leaving it dangling and wondering if it ever happened and bringing this pondering t your grave. That would be the most stupid thing anyone would have done. Anyway needless t say the third time confirmed my suspicions. Because the god damn t my ultimate horror, that guy slid his window open a lil and popped his head a lil t look in my direction. When he caught me looking he immediately ducked

Tell me, how pek chek can i get.

Freaked as i was, i turned t the only male and only person at home for help.

My muscular well in my mind hes hardly heroic maybe jasmine finds him heroic anyway hes my 17yr old brother vincent.

I was so freaked please, i screamed his name god knows how many times. He only came when i left the room t pull him in. T my displeasure, that son of a bitch closed the window immed. when he saw me pulling vincent in.

Vincent went the window at stared for a long time and he turned and said;
you must be dillusional. i dont see anything or anyone.

I was so pissed i quarrelled with him endlessly well not really i was just screaming at him telling him everything. He gave me that confused look and said, maybe because its the seventh month. Fuck no! What has that got t do with me seeing a human psycho stalker?!

I sure as hell can differentiate a phantom from a human. Its the most basic thing i could do okay ? I would rather be facing a phantom than some horny human bastard!

Back!

Anyway that guy closed the window for like 3 hrs and dear old me decided t mug as usual. T my horror, he opened the window AGAIN! I caught sight of him and i quickly called vincent. He came and that guy ducked his head. Vincent replied excitedly; i'm gonna go get the binoculars!

And he went scurrying off. Soon he came back and he stood further behind me watching. And a raging conversation soon ensued.

me : CAN YOU SEE HIM ?!

Him : Hes wearing a white shirt right ?

me : HELL NO! HES N-A-K-E-D! CANT YOU SEE HIS FUCKING NIPPLES?!

Him : Oh, okay his window has green curtains right ?

me : NO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ? THERE'RE NO CURTAINS AND HES TOPLESS!!!

Him : How can be, his body so big cover the whole window meh.

me : NO!

Him : oh oh i get it, hes behind the bamboo pole right ?

me : WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SEEING ?! THERE'RE NO BAMBOO POLES! NOT EVEN SURROUNDING WINDOWS HAVE THEM ASSHOLE!

T my raging anger and discomfort, that guy ducked a few times and, the most creepy and random thing was when he suddenly popped his head out and FUCKING SMILED AT ME LIKE THIS - :D

me : OMFG VINCENT HES FUCKING SMILING AT ME VINCENT! CAN YOU SEE NOT OMG VINCENT!

Him : where got ? where got ? I cannot see leh.

me : YOU JUST PUT DOWN THE BINOCULARS AND COME OVER NOW!

Flabbergasted beyond words, i pulled him towards me and when he tried t see, that son of a devil CLOSED THE DAMN WINDOW HURRIEDLY.

Tell me, how pissed can i get ? This wasnt the worst, vincent said the most absurd thing t me.

Not i dont want t help you leh, but we're living in a HDB. And i dont see a thing at all! And what makes you think hes looking at you ? you're not some big ass chio bu or anything. For all you know he might be smiling at some other bangala or his friends upstairs. Dont think too much lah, you must be hallucinating, now is the seventh month leh.

I got sooooo pissed off, i snapped at him and said ; fuck you seriously. I pointed countless times t you, and you even have the damned binoculars with you. your eyes pa jiao is it ? And if its someone looking at you you shuang meh YOU TELL ME!

T add on t my anger, he calmly replied;
Theres nothing wrong in people watching you mah.its an honor! Got people look at me means got people admiring me you know, my muscles ( he proceeded t flex his newly gained muscles from the past 4 months of rigorous weight lifting at home ) my looks blah. At least got people want t look at you right ? If we're living in terrace maybe i can still help you but HDB leh jie. Anyway if he comes out again just shout across :

kua si mi lan jiao.

With that, he happily took the binoculars and left the house t meet Brian. I was flabbergasted! And i immediately called mallory t complain. She was laughing like mad, and mind you she agreed with my sentiments. :) At least someone believes me. I told mama and she told me t be careful. Mallory think its creepy so do i!

This brings me in t a whole new level how looks dont matter.

Someone as _____________________ as me ( you feel in the blank ), can be stalked by the psycho neighbour opposite. It makes me think that looks isnt an issue for psycho perverse people t stalk. ( i refuse t believe what a friend said, he said i was good enough t be stalked, and that well i really wasnt that bad, good enough for his standards IF he were t be a stalker. )

Stupid evan, when i told him the whole scenario he said; great minds think alike! If theres someone looking at me i totally DONT MIND AT ALL! :)

Totally unsympathetic and unfeeling. I seriously cant phantom what guys are thinking at time, so random and totally unpredictable. Okay at least evan is hot enough t think he could be spied. Maybe all the hot guys dont mind being spied you think ? With their muscular size, six pecs and gorgeous abs like evan and vincent no wonder they think so highly of themselves.

But then again need i remind myself and everyone reading, at least they have the substance so it makes perfect sense for them t welcome the idea of a female psycho stalker. I believe they've no qualms changing with the windows open!

Oh well, at least YT and Benjamin was more sympathetic. YT was the funniest, his first sentence was ; are you kidding me? Followed by non supported stances suggesting that i stalk that psycho back and taking photos and videos of him and post it t his doorstep t scare him. Seriously guys *rolls eyes* And then the usual take care of yourself blah and arm yourself with weapons talk come again from the both of them. Okay at least someone cares :) THANK YOU ! Loves.

Oh well that wasnt the worst, computer screwed up on me. Sch files and account utterly gone without a trace and why i have no idea. Just after a damned microsoft update and restart. Kill me, seriously.

Gonna chiong my FMA alr. Till then people!

I seriously hope that psycho stops spying me. :(

i find myself thinking about you at night,
as i struggle t know your name.
Trying hard t stop your chiselled features from popping up in my mind,
was all i could refrain myself,
from falling deeper into this meaningless infatuation.

2009-08-26T20:57:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was awesome! QA was exceedingly fine you just look at my smile :) Anyway i was terribly in need of a toilet during QA. You had t see my face, all scrunched up and clutching my tummy fats. Gawd, was i desperate! Darryl was giving me a what the fuck look and Yongquan seemed t be happily smiling away at my poor circumstances.

Once the exam officially ended i rushed t the front like a typical kiasu singaporean and quickly took my bag only to be disappointed by some of the girls whom requested me t take her bags as well. Anyway in short, i forgot i need the toilet when the topic wandered off t the QA questions.

Amanda had a really hilarious face when we talked about the LP formulation question. Seriously! Made me want t laugh out loud, shes just so adorable - reminds me of baby. I'm not getting lesbanic mind you. We were happily discussing like a bunch of lovesick puppies strolling around 4 legged. :)

Jek was the funniest. When i was chatting with amanda and chengyun in the toilet about QA ( now you know how excited we're? ) Jek suddenly disappeared when we touched on a question which everyone wasnt sure what the answer was about. We thought she left cos she was feeling sad or maybe because she didnt know how t do, gawd was i wrong! She came in smiling like big bird with the question paper in her hands. -_-

Ultimate laughs. Seriously funny like hell. Moving on, the girls decided t have late lunch at JP, so i had t ask dad for permission. Mum answered and she did sound a little over happy. When i finished asking her, she replied me; do you want t talk t someone you wanted t see ? I was like huh ? Seriously i thought she meant dad so i just kept quiet lest he heard my hurtful refusals HAHAHAHAHA. And surprisingly i heard this faint voice at the back ; hullo..

I was like who the fuck is this! Is mum playing a prank on me?!

And for a fleeting moment, i thought dad had his friends' kids over at our house. And i did suspect maybe its shi hao/shiheng or some other guys like jason. But the voice sure as hell didnt sound like it. And besides i dont think they'll be that desperate t see me t the point of talking t me over the phone right?!

Anyway my mum dispelled all my fears/anticipations of some hottie at home waiting for me with her excited tone; call louder lah otherwise how jiejie can hear you!

And i screamed. Yes i screamed; XUENXUEN IS THAT YOU?! OMG BABY! Jie jie miss you you know! you got miss jiejie not ?

I was totally embarrassing myself in public ( not like it mattered t me anyway ) and bambling non stop t my little sunshine. :) She replied me with a confused; HUH ? Sotong sunshine, damn it hahahahaha. And i rudely replied; OEI YOU GOT MISS JIEJIE NOT ?!

Asshole right ?! Siewling would agree vehemently, i know you too well. I dont think she ever talked so loudly t darius before hor ? Anyway i even sent her a phone-flown kiss :) The girls thought i went crazy, you should have seen their what the hell look HAHAHA!

I was utterly happy and over the moon. A better phrase would be delirious with joy. So i hurriedly told the girls t have lunch quick at JP as i wanted t get my ass home t see my bouncy sunshine. They shook their heads sadly oblivious t my delirious self.

So jek,luchella,weiling,chengyun and me made our way t JP t the waiting jiamin sitting alone at BK. Oh my god lor, i think we're soooo thick skinned. We didnt buy a thing for BK and we had the audacity t pull out their chairs and wait for weiling :O This is just plain hilarious. Never mind, i've been paiseh-ed so many times in public another time wont hurt. :)

We had swensens for late lunch! Jek was going mad with joy you should have seen her face when i agreed t have sirloin steak with her. Yay! Medium done sirloin steak! Mine was indeed a bigger pieces but it had a bull load of fats, and nerves. Those nerves were pissing me off. I was totally attacking my steak, just ask chengyun. Sawing and gnawing my way at the steak was so unsightly i kept telling chengyun, next time dont order a steak during your first date.

LOL !

Chengyun also laughed at my pathetic steak which was going apart. :( We had clam chowder and mushroom soup in that bread. I cant remember the name lah, i'm just not that kind of western food person. Enjoy can, names sorry. Plus a sinful dessert of EARTHQUAKE! I love my lime sherbet, thats the only kind of ice cream i can stand having on a daily basis, in large quantities. I miss haagen Daaz mango,orange,lemon and lime sherbet.

Back t topic, we all parted ways for home. And me was happily anticipating sunshine at home. Just as i expected, she came t the door with her huge ear splitting smile which really adds a hell load of sunshine t this bad weather. I wonder why hannah and her call me KT jiejie. Its just so i dont know, i just dislike my chinese name. I think it sounds so awful, and i never really liked my english name ; kathlyn anyway. I thought it was too common, i preferred names like lets say, dayna ? or maybe Erica, or maybe well lets see Gabrielle, elle, marilyn ( omg my idol marilyn monroe! ), antoinette, marie, danielle blah blah. So many names you know! I mean plain old kathlyn. Maybe because 18yrs of my life just passed and i got sick of it. Jeez i wonder how many more years do i have t live with this name. -_-

Anyway i spent plentiful of time with my baby. I even had the honor of showering her! Poor mum was going crazy from getting her t shower so i said why dont i shower with you ? And she went amok with bursting pride as she nodded her head and say OKAY! Me as usual, the girl in me said we should go t my room and choose what clothes for her t wear. We both ran t my room and i ended up having two choices, one pink top which was incredibly short for her, and my tight like crazy tee.

Showering her proved to be a great bonding time. You could hear her laughing and singing beneath the waters. Shes a water baby as usual like me! :) There're so many habits she picked up from me i dont want t talk about it. Whenever she does something my mum goes, LEARN FROM YOU LAH.

I'm so darn innocent, and yet i'm the one getting all the blames :( But i'm glad i fuelled her passion for singing,dancing,reading english,speaking english and music. Shes so talented, i'm so proud of her. Whenever i point something t her, she could answer it without hesitation. Well most of them anyway, you would be surprised how many colors she could recognise, the fruits, animals, types of vehicles and even taxis! Tell me would you be proud if you were the one who taught her ?

I am and still am terribly proud of my little sunshine. I feel as proud as her mother would have been. I dont know maybe because i love her too much. I love it when she can speak english better than other kids, i love it when she gets all her answers correct, i love it when she speaks proper english sentences. Shes like my little english sunshine! Exaggerated i know. But i do feel proud of her in so many ways, like her going crazy over pink as i do, the girly sides of her when she choose what clothes t wear, what toys t play etc.

I'm teaching her the colors of gold sliver violet etc those harder ones though. She could even describe t me that violet looks a little like purple. Lalalala my sunshine!

Anyway shes really pink siao. She insisted on eating these pink sweets i have when i had purple. Purple was obviously a nicer one which was why i offered her, she insisted she wanted pink. You should have seen her face change when she ate it. Pure gag. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway she loves seeing people naked. Not really naked but you know when i'm changing i make sure shes outside and i close my doors. But silly me forgot shes tall enough t tiptoe and turn the doorknob and she peeks through the small line she as she quietly try t scare me all the while wondering where the hell i was because she couldnt see me from her side of view. Big joke was i'm behind the door and she had no choice but t run t mama and said i disappeared -_-

So much for peeking sunshine. she made everyone so happy yesterday, especially dad and mum. They loved her so much she was like the daughter they never had, the daughter i hope t have and the sister i never had. :( At least god fulfilled my wish of letting me have a feel of what its like t have a sister. Though it was only 3 years, it was enough for me t fully experience the joy of having a sister! :) When we sent her home last night, i missed her already. I think her dad got retrenched :x dad thought so too but we thought it would be rude t ask so we pretended not t know.

I believe in sixth sense, and it happened yesterday. When you love someone immensely, you can feel how close they're t you. Or if you're sensitive you can feel if someone's watching you. Just my observations. I guess this was inherited from dad. Oh well, unlucky people do stay indoors. Dont risk running into them, you'll really regret it if they come disturbing you. Once they start, they wont stop.

Sigh i think i will never get a real face t face experience with a phantom. As much as i hoped it would have happened.

Evan's new nick is sexually enticing. Watch this;

S.E.X is good! Everyone should Sleep, Eat and exercise regularly!

Fuck you evan, got me all excited as i thought someone emerged t manhood. Obviously it didnt happen -_- and, he even wanted t di siao me asking me if it was enticing. EVAN! As usual i asked him how NS was and he said it was a pretty good atm, 8-5.30pm work. LOL ? And i just cant believe hes in CMPB helping t recruit people into army. Seeing this displeasure in army is alr enough t make me laugh out loud, now helping t recruit people ? Even more LOL.

Goodluck darling in recruiting people.

Siewling goodluck for your upcoming papers! :)

Meeting the girls for lunch tmr :) since we have t lug our sorry asses back t sch for RC stuffs. I hope i got B+ and above.

I miss you, so very much.

2009-08-21T17:27:00.002+08:00

Jek was damn exasperated when she called me earlier. I hope what i sent her earlier would cheer her up :)

I just spent a bomb on a few pens i bought for the girls :) I'm not sure if they would like it but i hope they do. Its a gorgeous pen with a big white clay flower on top. I got one for siewling too! I wanted t get one for cynt as well but lol cash flow problems! Maybe after next tues okay ? Sorry cynt!

I'm still hoping the girls would like it :( Because its a white rose instead of the yellow and red one i saw. I thought white would be nice.

Oh yes, the girls are luchella, jek, weiling, mallory, cheng yun, amanda and jiamin! i got buy for all of you :)

Oh well i hope they like it.

QA HERE I COME!

I hope it fades, it better.

2009-08-20T16:50:00.002+08:00

I know mallory, i promised i would go study QA but here i am blogging again.

Dinner at SPGG and i'm contemplating having steak for dinner. Sinful and religiously sinful. On second thought i think i shall skip it. :(

I'm soooo buying the acid washed skinny jeans AND the bohemian top i saw! Buying the top with mallory though :)

WE CAN WEAR TOGETHER T SCH! YAY!

Dad is sooo gonna kill me. He gently reminded me t start saving money and here i am spending like nobody's business. I'm still considering but its so tempting! And i do need new jeans and more tops since the hols are coming.

I've been very unproductive today i dont want t talk about it. But am glad i checked out the acid washed jeans AND bohemian top! :O

So in love with it i swear! Alright thats it i'm gonna go mug now.

btw siewling, yes we shall go there when hols end. I was thinking maybe the both of us could go east coast and cycle together as well ? :) DOUBLE BIKE PLS.

BYE!

2009-08-18T20:43:00.003+08:00

Awesome. This is just the exact word t describe today. Just look at my happy smile > :) UCCD effing rocks, i know i know i was totally bonkers for the first 30mins of the paper. I totally lost it when i saw the word ; culture shock.

The first thing that came t my mind was ; fuck it, i'm not gonna get a single mark for question one.

I know utterly depressing right ? Especially when it adds up tp 25 marks of the whole paper. Sweet, so i read the miserly passage and the questions 5 times. Oh yes you didnt see it wrong, a holy number of repetitively 5 freaking times. And then i realised, they're asking for the negative impacts of culture shock and their god damn 6 stages.

And i felt like i just exploded in the toilet after 3 days of holding my bladder. Yes it is that kind of god like relief. Its beyond words to describe, really.

Now now, dont look at me like that. I mean it! I mean c'mon, give me some credit instead of that straight face or =_= face you were planning t show me. I hardly touched culture shock and mind you, i only remember the 6 stages and some of the negative impacts 4 days ago. Because i thought i would remember for the fun of it.

Actually not really, the sole reason i bothered t memorise was because i havent touched the past year papers, and i didnt make a comparison within them t guess what would definitely come out for this paper. It was after i made an effort t memorise did i scramble for the past yr papers ( courtsey of my darling Jek who printed past 4 semesters papers for me and the rest ) and starting evaluating in my calculative mind did i come up with a few things that would definitely come out.

Hey, i was nice enough t sms all the girls t tell them what would be coming out. :) I think i missed out mallory, did i ? I dont remember okay! I only remember a few random people spamming my handphones, amanda luchella Jek and Weiling were the few of them. Amanda was even cuter, she called me last night and i didnt answer. When she apologised today, i felt so darn guilty. Must be her uber cute doll face making me feel guilty!

Jeez shes just like a cute doll. Its hard t think that she and chengyun are sooo damn alike. Its even more absurd t believe that chengyun has a twin. ( yes she has a twin ) People who know the pair for the first time alr thought they were twins, Geez! Another chengyun ? Gawd, threesome HAHAHAHAHA. :)

Back t topic, i was saying several people spammed my handphone right ? Oh yes, cynt i know you've been following my blog. Siewling i think shes prolly too busy mugging her ass off for her exams, just t spite you darling i only have 3 subjects left :) i think you're left with 7 ? :O i'm sucha asshole. I'm prepared t let her squeeze my fats, and good gracious i still owe luchella a kfc meal and siewling starbucks mineral water though she insists its frappe. She didnt state what in the first place she only said starbucks, and now shes telling me its frappe. HEHEHE :D i'm gonna piss her off so badly.

Anyway back back t topic, that pest smsed me. i know cynt, i know what you're going t say let me finish first. She requested me t sms her the whole chapter of uccd blanks answers. I didnt know who she was, unfortunately due t my phone. Gawd, and i thought it was chengyun/jiamin so i said okay i'm typing now.

When i inquired who she was i almost gagged myself. I almost choked myself on my own fart. ( exaggerated but i like it, and btw its just a damned example as much as you haters would have wanted it t happen ) I was horrified! Oh thats not the right word, no i was mortrified! Cynt is that how you spell it ? I feel so ashamed asking cynt since shes like sec 4 and i'm in second yr of poly and i'm like older and should be knowing how t spell it. Okay back t point.

I thought i would be nice and sms her back the answers. That was until i asked weiling as well and she had equally asked her the same question but of a different chapter. Okay that did it, i decided i wouldnt be her slave/plaything/servant/maid whatever! okay so i gave the lamest excuse for not wanting t type it out.

What mortrified me was she even had the audacity t sms me t do her a fucking favour for her lack of discipline t come t class or even the common sense t get her notes copied before sch ends. Right guys ? I mean sure, i was a big ass slacker in year one but i wasnt that bad! I at least copied all the crap, rushed it through before sch ended. Not 2 freaking loserly days before the exam. Mind you! It was the main exam somemore.

I know i sound like a damn nerd. But i'm just being honest and frank here. Oh wait that wasnt it, i was taken aback by her even more insincere greeting, she called me dear. If it was some other guys ( like alex or GLEN hahahahah ) or the girls, i really dont mind.

BUT HER?!

I mean its freaking obvious that she hates me t her guts, god knows why though everyone guessed its her insanely high toxic levels of jealousy. But i really hand it over t her, she can swallow her pride, hatefulness towards me and her own dignity t ask me for the answers.

i for one, would NEVER do that.

I would never accept favours from people i dislike/hate. Because i dont like them thinking ; see kathlyn is so darn cheapskate, dont like me still take my stuffs/candies/tidbits/favours whatever!

I dont know why she doesnt think like that but i know shes sure as hell has skin as thick as a hippotamus. Mind you, hippos skin cant be pierced through by anything, rhinocerous also! Damn, i think both the animals' names are wrong. Dont laugh people, i dont thinks its funny. *laughs out loud* Okay owned, i'm laughing at myself.

Okay back t the topic, you see what i mean now people ? Okay if you dont there're only three reasons.

1. you're intellectually challenged.
2. you like her so much you think i'm jealous of her.
3. you're fooled by her gentle facade which happens t be non-existent.

Just entirely astonished at this astounding fact. Gawd, i sound so dramatic. But, i like!

Thats so mean of me, but hey i bet everyone has a mean side! ( amanda excluded )

I'm just so you know, shocked by what her thick-skinned-ness. Jeez, i found out more horrifying news today. She can go hollywood and be a star like megan fox right now, if it was for her puny eyes horrid complexion i could go on and on. Which reminds me of a sentence i would like t give t her for dissing about jiamin.

Shes fat, but you're UGLY.
and she can fucking DIET :)

You dont have the right t diss people when you dont look so good yourself darling. She could lose weight and look like the prettiest lady around, you ? I guess you have t follow in dawn yang's footsteps : go plastic!

Gosh i think i'm getting meaner and meaner.

Must the going white strand of hair i plucked from my scalp this morning :( Sorry hun, i'm venting all my anger on you and i'm lovin' it. ( quoted from macdonalds )

Lets quit talking about her shall we. I'm getting exasperated and i'm dying t tell the people she mixes around with right now in her clique what kind of crap she had bullshitted behind their back. But i shall keep my promise for now. :( its hard t keep secrets, DAMN ITS HARD.

Especially when its doing someone else a disservice. I feel so guilty. To both parties, and no not t that pest okay. Pest dont have feelings, as much as she would like t admit. Sure, she only has feelings towards guys. Jeez desperado.

Anyway gems on friday. Cant wait, lunch with glen and lulu. Will be asking saichong and rachel :) I hope eye candy would be at mac on friday! i want t show lulu how hot he is, though lulu thinks my taste is shit. :(

Cheesy Chicken Shrooms Pasta with the girls ( yongquan included! ) was awesome. Saw syaf today, sorry hunny! didnt mean t snatch your seat! :(

I love Amanda's Dorothy Perkins top, too bad its no longer available. Look at my uber sad face > :'( Alright alright, exaggerated. Oh yes, mallory yq! Happy anniversary, hope you guys get married and invite me t the wedding. And i want one big bowl of sharks fins all t myself!

I know okay, i'm not saving the gaia, saving the sharks blah blah. But so far i dont feel so affected yet. Sigh, i've never been environmentally friendly, and i dont think i ever will be.

On a lighter note, i saw valerie's hello kitty pink car. Fucking gorgeous! Patent baby pink, hello kitty face on the petrol cover. Hello kitty fluffies all over the car, i'm going delirious with joy. So was amanda, you could see her eyes go wide when i said hello kitty.

Okay thats it, and btw ; i'm still itching t kick her ass.

Can i ? :)

i will promise t do a good job, PLEASE! :(

Lying on the bed thinking about you, when i hardly even know your name.

I'm going nuts, i must be.

2009-08-17T19:22:00.002+08:00

Just finished watching 2 movies. i know so sinful since its uccd tmr. Sadly, i've only memorised the points. The content for me is fucking shitty i dont want t talk about it. :(

Still need t lug my ass back t sch on friday for gems presentation. Oh why is not the other class ?! :( Totally killed the mood. no eye candy only glen-candy t see the whole lesson. Jeez kill me.

i saw a great sentence earlier, it was written centuries ago but this chinese philosopher.

The greatest distance between us isnt because you're oblivious to my love.
But because we love each other and that fate will always keep us apart.

Now i know why people dont end up marrying the person they love the most.

And i freaking choose t believe in that.

Not so much of a loveless marriage but a marriage with love but not with the person i love the most. Must be too many soapy dramas i've been watching lately. They keep feeding me with the sadistic fact that we'll either end up marrying someone we dont love, or someone we dont love the most or just so happen not marry at all because no one comes along.

Downright depressing i tell you.

With my period depressing me i get even more depressed!

UCCD is tomorrow and i dont ask much, i'm only asking for a B+ for this paper. Oh god please! I'm just aiming for a loserly B+ for this paper pls grant me my wish. :( PLEASE!

I'm gonna go mug already. Jek is giving me stress. Seems t be everyone is giving me stress.

Maybe thats why i even bother t touch the books. Geeez.

i think i'm falling deeper into this infatuation.

Please make it stop.

2009-08-15T11:51:00.002+08:00

Back t blogging surprisingly. I just needed t blog. Everything feels so, i dont know maybe its because i'm pms-ing soooo badly thus the bad mood. :(

RC yesterday was fine! :) HAPPY! so darn happy i cant describe. Hopefully i could get a B+ for that module t pull up my pathetic gpa. Gems yesterday was great, i'm totally in love in rachel ( no lah not eye candy, eye candy is meant t feast the eye not the heart ) rach is just oh so sweet and honest, i think the funniest part was when i asked what shes wearing beneath her jacket. When what i meant was are you wearing a spag top beneath it.

She excitedly replied she was wearing a bra. Mind you! She said it like a few octaves higher, not t mention how damn horny glen alr is. ( hehe )

Anyway i think the most random thing yesterday was when saichong asked me during the test; what is orgasm ?

i almost lost my mind. I swear i was trying so hard not t laugh and not t tear up. I bet the people in front would be laughing if it wasnt for the test. This just sounds so wrong, and i totally didnt know how t explain. So i suggested josh and glen explain. Saichong really! Of all the people why ask me?! C'mon you know glen is an expert, ask him. I was totally going ballistic from writing.

On a happier note, EYE CANDY! Lol, only sai chong knows. The most dumb question of the day was when he asked, glen more goodlooking or eye candy ?

HELLO! Thats like fucking obvious hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Big joke, got me bursting in ferocious laughter. I swear, so freaking paiseh. Laughing t myself in the middle of a exam, really saichong nice way t crack me up.

And he proceeded t ask josh or glen you know. No comments. :) I was telling rach about the question on Orgasm saichong asked me on the way back t sch and we went berserk with laughter. Shes just so darn honest!

One topic leaded t another, i totally had fun with her.

Hopefully i would be able t take my next gems with her! Siewling next gems we take tgt also k ? :)

Random thing of day was when the girls went crazy and decided t take numerous zi lian pictures in the toilet. And outside the examination venue. I thoroughly enjoyed it and i'm sorry i pissed them off on that insensitive comment i made. :(

Jek was the craziest of the day with her delirious smile. ( which is sooo infectious )

Lulu was as usual the most hyperactive of the day.

Weiling SUM PO!

Chengyun was shu nu for the day with her explicit hairstyle.

Amanda as usual was the cutest for the day with her sweet smile.

Jiamin raaah, she looked really good with make up ytd. :)

Mallory as usual the siao zha bor who loves t squeeze my fats.

Okay i feel random.

Must be my period make me feel horrible.

UCCD HERE I COME!

i'm the average girl, hes the sch heart throb, he couldnt be looking at me.

he couldnt be.

2009-08-09T14:38:00.003+08:00

As much as i hate t admit it, life sucks.

I read through some JC's people blog and i realised ; okay at least i'm loving my life in poly. It doesnt sound so bad doesnt it ?

Okay minus the projects the stress the bitch well everything falls in place.

Today has been grumpy. For everyone.

At least thats what i think.

I just feel sooo terribly tired grumpy and totally not in the mood today.

Or is it just me ?

Buffet later and my stomach is doing flip flops with me visiting the toilet thrice.

talk about getting food poisoning.

2hrs more before i leave house for the buffet.

i dont feel like going because my projects arent done, and i'm stressed up.

None of the girls are online now t comment on my new namecard :(

before i forget :)

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY CYNTHIA WONG!

Seeing you laters, and hmmm i'll give you your present when we hang out just the two of us next time.

oh fuck it, quit procrastinating kathlyn.

2009-08-08T17:54:00.001+08:00

BUFFET TMR!

Oh my gosh, so excited can ? I'm finally gonna see hannah and cynt. Okay exaggerrated i saw cynt like less than a week ago. But hell yeah!

My fav buffet somemore, tell me, am i crazy or what ?

Chionging rc and MR :(

wish me luck!

oh and cheng yun, thank you!

if it wasnt for you i would have died.

2009-08-07T22:12:00.001+08:00

Auntie Wendy is back in S'pore! Maybe she made it just in time t celebrate National Day. Jeez who knows ? I've never been patriotic, as much as i would love t boast about it but really let me see, i've not watched the national parade in like say 5 years ?

I dont know why its just like another day for me. Call me ungrateful/unfeeling but i do wish sometimes i could rub some of the excitement of national day on me. Unfortunately that never happened so i think i can quit hoping for it.

Chatting t my beloved cynt and alex now :) As usual alex was the sweetest! He was terribly pissed off when i told him of B* and he offered t make it right for me. Saying he has enough bad karma and one more bad thing wont hurt. *rolls eyes* The more i converse with him, the more i feel like kicking myself for not reading up more books. His english is waaaay awesome! I have t search the dict for some words at times too, this is sooo embarrassing hahahaha.

He was being a darling despite well you know after being brushed with death in the recent car accident. Gosh i cant imagine if hes gone! No one t listen t me cry ( okay exaggerrated i've got the girls and siewling ) no one t stand up for me and threaten t make things right. What would i do without you alex ? Sigh!

Anyway gossip time prevailed when i was going home. Cy and mallory lol we totally had an awesome time even though it was like incredibly short. As usual bitched about her non stop t glen and saichong. Glen say he know her kuan thats why never stick so close with her. Please lor, i think is you find people not good looking right ? Hahahaha pls, glen got taste, he wont even take a second look at you bitch.

Anyway someone farted in fma today! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.big ass funny. Ting wen was totally making a big fuss out of it and jason make a bigger fuss by immediately switching seats t the back with the other girls. Fucking hilarious. That wasnt the funniest, someone boasted about it non stop about the farting that kevin threatened t push him t the road which was whizzing past with cars.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Told lulu about it and she was like LOL. freaking funny! At least my day ended happy today. I miss my babygirl and boy, havent been seeing them and its killing me. Sometimes i wish i didnt love kids so much, i seriously cant wait t have four of my own! No lah saichong, i dont like glen and i dont like anyone now!

Such a hectic life, plus i'm increasingly fat. Tell me how t get a boyfriend ? Plus i totally not interested. ( oei is not unwanted hor. ) I think spending time with the girls is best, siewling has been busy and i miss her ? Yes i do, and i know she will reply she doesnt miss me this si cheapo at all :(

Alright thats it, i'm boasting my rc project t cynt now hehehe :) Chatting t my beloved shimin as well. Yeah lah slut, talking about you happy ? Really! You're such a hot topic now!

Loves.

2009-08-06T19:29:00.002+08:00

Feeling horrid right now. Gastric and everything else is killing me.

On a lighter note i guess i'm understand cy,amanda and jm more now. Had been wrong in my perceptions and i'm sorry girls! :) its really hilarious how one's despicable pathetic mistake could end up into everyone getting more united and part of a class. Isnt it ?

It seems so t me. Obviously the gossips didnt end here. There were new ones today! :O cy and amanda were pissed off mad when they heard the news. Oh well, so much for sucking up B*. Actually cy seemed more pissed off. Do i need t say more ?

Just when i thought this was it, she technically treated someone like a damned sucker. Look, if you've bad eyesight ( perhaps blind would be a better word ) that doesnt give you the right t hand in your work looking like a very well accomplished piece of shit. With words so erroneously huge, really you might as well dont do it ? Someone was kind enough t let it go though she was upsettingly hugging my arm as her pillow and mourning real badly on how fucking stressed she was. sweetly t add, it hardly covered 1/4 a page when resized.

you were lucky you didnt hand up something so erroneously done like that t ME.

If you did i swear i would throw it in your face and expect you t explain what the hell you had in plan and what kind of shitty grades you're expecting t get. Just because you're not interested in studying, doesnt mean that everyone has the same attitude as you.

Oh wait, why am i even bothering t scold her ? She obviously treats every girl as a rival, tries t stick her ass into the popular group with the pretty girls and bitch about practically every single girl who had crossed her path as a best friend/close friend or even just maybe an accquaintance. Good gracious, heed my warning people ; dont ever make friends with people like this.

she not only screw you up, she thinks shes one hot babe. ( quoted from siewling oh and i love it! totally suits that slut ) Jeez, mean meany kathlyn. Look at me, do i look like i care ? Absolute no i tell you. People like her should just eat the grass or something.

That wasnt all, bitching about random people is the worst when you're jealous of them just after seeing their picture on their blog/facebook/in real life. This is just pathetic! I swear! And then getting people t side with you and agree with you that they look ugly just so that you could feel better about yourself with the continuation of thinking that you're one hot chick yourself.

Utterly Embarrassing and Pathetic. Need i say more ? Resolutely no, i dont need t say more because her ugly flaws are all out for you people t see. As i always say, i feel like slapping/scrapping your false pretense away.

The very sight of you disgust me, the path you walk dirties me, the way you talk urges me t slap you, the way your false pretense comes up t suit your gentle demeanour which really isnt there makes me dizzy from this utterly ridiculous and absurd feat you've been trying t potray yourself as.

when you're really a devil in disguise.

Pathetic as it may seem, my discriptions of you fit totally with the current situation.
Poor you on your inferiority complex
Poor you on trying so hard t be part of the "popular" clique
Poor you on trying so god damn hard on ruining so many girls' reputation
Poor you on deriving jealousy and rivalry from every girl you see
Poor you on living such a hard life feeling this kind of negative emotions all the time.

POOR YOU!

Jingling was right, a bitch will always be a bitch.

Back on a much lighter note, Alex got into a car accident! :( Utterly depressing, i was wondering for days why he didnt come online in 5 consecutive days. Now i know the answer, in return for a broken shin and leg he got this is just so upsetting! Poor alex, get well soon ? I've got sooo much t tell him, and i want t learn new phrases on how t slam you here. :)

His english is sooo good i wish i could be half as good as he is. Thanks for always being my punching bag,crying bag and my big ass santa t turn t when i need someone. Hearing me cry and soothing my hurt, singing your french and spanish songs with your wonderful ( 3 octaves higher than a lady ) voice has been very comforting. I love you! Looking forward t your next gig and next chat together.

Glen's favourite word ; friends ? *puppy dog eyes*

Love you alex! :) Oh and i cant wait t tell him about chou da bian ( hp's quote ) or fucking slut/bitch ( my quote ) gossips and misadventures. Am i sick or what ? Okay so what if i'm sadistic ? I love it!

Back t topic, jeez how many topics have i went off tracked ?

Wynne wanted t go shopping when the holidays come. I hope so :) I feel like going t the beach t have fun too. So many things, so little time. Oh yes and did i mention ? I'm sooo in love with the pictures of macarons for my current RC project that i hope i would learn how t bake them once the hols arrive! Wish me luck, except her pls dont bother wishing me. I would rather die than get your filthy insincere wishing, who knows i might even get a bout of badluck after you wish me or worst! your slutty attitude! Eeyer, go far far away okay ?

Gems tmr, tell me about it. Hopefully i could have lunch with glen and saichong.

good day.

2009-08-05T13:21:00.002+08:00

Pissed as i am, i'm just terribly elated that i've passed my fma! :)

Even though it was just a very borderline pass hahahahaha! But, mind you, its enough t make me go delirious from the pride exploding through my chest. I got back UCCD earlier too, and i'm damn fucking happy! i got 80 :) Just nice an A adding on with the CA1 a few months before this is indeed a blessing for me. Hopefully i will do well enough for the last theory test t score the A i've been dying t get. I even told Mr Julian i wont disappoint him. Jeez, i must really start working hard.

damn it, i've been pretty moody lately. No wait, not moody its fucking angry. I know okay i've been pretty mean in my comments not that i'm regretting. I seriously dont regret it i never will! Freaking hell, i'm losing it. Sigh, sometimes i wish i'm a bit more mellowed down, like you know Jason Sim ( ahhhhhh so hot! ) and Mr Julian :(

Okay back t the main topic.

shes a damn caramelised bitch! If you get what i mean. Sweet on the outside, bitch on the inside. Worst than durians okay ? Alamak, vani smsed me earlier and i thought something unpleasant happened like she broke up with jake or something. Scared me out of my wits. Anyway so i continued bitching about that slut t her again. I know i'm such an asshole, but i cant help it. Well maybe that might stop if i could confront and slam her in public like ; during peak hrs in FC6. Luchella beside me is fervently hoping that wont happen.

This is just so hard t say, depends on my mood okay ? Besides everytime i see her, i feel like slapping her raw and pounce on her t tear her skin of false pretense away! I swear this is totally how i feel everytime i see her.

Kathlyn kathlyn kathlyn, you must cool down. If not you'll end up getting unsightly wrinkles, uneven skin tone and ugly pimples from this bout of anger. Must lah okay ? See lah lulu is squeezing my flabby byebye fats and reminding me t do my fma tutorial since i swear-ed upon my fats and pimples. this is just sickening.

Okay lah, back t topic. i still cant find whats her motive for this shit okay ? Weiling and lulu said its just her character, but darlings, i dont fucking accept it!

I just dont know why this could be anyone's character. They asked if i would give her a second chance. Well i vehemently said a big ass NO. Answer is obvious isnt it ? Siewling would even be poking fun at her lor pls. What second chance! No wonder siewling and i could manage t be so close. Because we're both soooooo evil *sniggers* okay t be honest siewling is more evil but hey, i'm still learning!

Anyway i hope she gets her just deserts. Talking of deserts, i'm getting a teeny weeny bit hungry. Stupid lulu say i'm getting off track again. -_-

i've so many things t hurl at her, so much abuses but so little time. No i'm not getting emotional. Fuck no. Just complained t Jingling about her as well. She told me t hack care these kind of lowlifes. No she didnt call her that, i did. She called her a bitch though haha does that sound better? I hope you're reading lowlife. Alright thats it i'm sick of talking about her.

And i believe you guys are sick of hearing me bitch about her.

Good lord! i found 500 names with the name kathlyn! One even had the same surname as me, kathlyn chua but she alr graduated from a university in Malaysia. Oh well!

Okay thats it i'm ending here, lastly i hope that her false pretense would fall apart soon and be seen by everyone else.

You wanted t play this game right lowlife?
then i'll play it t the end with you, till you go on your fucking knees t beg me t stop.

2009-08-04T14:32:00.002+08:00

Jek is right, i'm gonna work my ass off starting from now.

i'm dl-ing the trial photoshop from adobe now and its pissing me off.

Its taking damn long and partly because i'm pissed about someone else as well.

There was a huge turn of events yesterday much t my surprise. Not that i'm complaining but i cant stop thinking about her motive and you know in her criminalistic state of mind as t what is propelling her t do all this. Sure maybe its inferiority complex or the need for rivalry but really i'm clueless. Its the first time in my life i'm clueless in analysing these petty crimes and problems. Sigh, i must be getting old.

Is it just me or am i hallucinating everything that has taken place ? Though i'm glad i sorted everything out with them all :) Which reminds me, i can use this tactic t settle unrest of internal conflicts within the country! Jeez, andrea kate's book must be getting t my head. i'm getting all light headed from the sweet innocent love of Samantha Barrett with Remington Worth.

But then again its just a fairytale. It isnt going t happen t anyone at least not t me. How i wish i'm borne in England centuries back as maybe the daughter of a Duke or perhaps an Earl. Wonderfully rich and filled with gorgeous balls waltzing through the whole night and evening. Wearing bodice/corset coupled with a breathtaking evening dress. And spending my time finding my Prince charming. Or rather, my knight in shining armor.

As i already mentioned, its a damned fairytale.

Disappointing as it may sound, i'm in the 20th century with nothing more than cynicism and cruelty of the harsh society. Oh well! Wake up kathlyn, you're not a royal!

I sound so utterly depressing that i cant stand it myself. I dont know why, maybe its because i'm getting back my FMA result on thursday. And, i'm dreading it badly. I dont know what i'm going t get back and i hope i wont fail so badly. I just want t take the retest and be done with it. I'm kind of afraid t tell my dad because he would think i didnt study when i did.

so many things t be worried of, or is it because i'm a worry wart?

I dont know. And i dont wish to either. When i knew of what the biatch had said of me and several other girls, her innocent demeanour disgusted me so badly. Whenever i see her now i feel like telling her; you're a fucking biatch.

or ; Pouncing right on her and tear her false pretense apart. If not tear her damn fucking hair and make her botak.

So violent. I know i know i sound so sadistic but thats exactly what i feel. I cant believe she could act so well, bitch about me behind my back and talk t me like shes my friend. you know what ? I'M SICK OF IT BITCH.

I called her a slut quite a few times but then again its too harsh a word. Lucky her got the privilege of being the first girl in my whole 18yrs of life t call her a slut. Not that i'm regretting *rolls eyes* i doubt i ever will.

Realised how stupid i was not t listen t siewling. Argh!

Just when i thought she was at her best at bitching, she never fails t amaze me as she continues t even spread tales or bitch about close friends around her.

its a pity isnt it ?

T me it is, i realised how pathetic and sad it was for her not being able t cherish the things around her t find someone she could truly call a true friend. Was it her drive t be popular or her jealousy of other people which pushed her t do these senseless, non sensical and foolishly loophole which made most the girls realised who she really was ? I dont know seriously.

And i dont care. Just glad that i've someone who understands and is going through the same thing as me. Well at least we know who and what the hell shes really like. I think everyone would have t bear with me for the next few days as i continue bitching slamming dissing and spitting on her ugly name. ( face as well if i permit )

I'm not bothering t edit this post.

Not gonna proof read it either.

I feel like forcing that slut t kiss my stinky ass.

Oh well thats it!

I've too much things t bother about that slut.

Anyway cynt if you're reading, i'm glad you loved the clothes! Meet up soon when my hols are up ? i know your birthday is coming :) And i alr have something in mind for you. Its meant t be our lil secret! :)

Okay thats it thats it, I'll bitch about her more when i feel like it.

SLUT.

2009-08-01T19:30:00.002+08:00

this is going t be hell.

Because exams are fast approaching.

And because i'm getting lazy.

Talk about being hardworking. I realised i lost all motivation after my screwed up FMA exam which so happened to be fucking hard even after i redo-ed my tutorials 3 times.
how comforting. I'm prepared t get a 30/100 for it and happily get my ass over t the retest. I'm just disappointed in myself you know ? Sigh i guess no one ever knows except mallory and maybe the girls. I cant say i've put in my v best effort because i didnt but i did put in a maximum amount of effort.

That paper was hell and i'm still in hell. Life is getting mundane and sad. As usual friday was the life of the week :) Stupid glen, still say bff! -grunts. He ended up having lunch with his friends when he was supposed t be eating with me! :( alright partly my fault when i sent that sms but come on! You knew me for a decent amount of time you should know what i meant! Left me all lonely and edgy at the benches man. Was oozing out into dreamland when saichong came t my rescue. Jeez i must have sounded desperate in the sms i sent him.

i told saichong t come and find me asap because i'm so darn lonely waiting for glen and him :( IT WAS MUTHA-FREAKING ( curbing at the moment ) lonely!
Sitting there alone looking at the seas and scores of people. Including someone who called me a toot when it seemed t be the other way round. Oh well, what can i say. I've 3 more projects to rush and i'm feeling tired and sore from everything else. Everything seemed t be so unfair and full of controversy.

Usual gossips about her filled the air. Not that i'm complaining, she kind of had it coming though. I mean come on who the hell bitches about practically everyone she tends t be close with ? Right i forgot we still have her.

Going for some lose weight seminar tomorrow, and my hair looks like its in clumps now. My life cant get any better seriously. Gastric is setting in and i feel awful. Glen took my UCCD and FMA notes for the weekend. Hey boy, if you're reading this return t me on monday!

The most embarrassing thing happened yesterday, when mallory thought fish ( not my gems classmate lah, its a yr one cutie ) was my boyfriend. She surprised me by hugging my waist from the back -_- and then giving me suggestive smiles indicating t fish whose like a total blocker standing beside me and looking awkward. Followed on my suggestive comments on asking me t go for the catch baby! since you know fish looks pretty cute :) Adding on with the fact that jie-di lian is quite rampant now. Awwww come on mall, i hardly even know him!

Worst still, he lives in my neighbourhood.

Good gracious yes i know.

I dont know if i blushed but i hoped not. That would be the most embarrassing thing. I even had the audacity t stand close beside fish and asked the glamourous couple ( mallory and YQ ) if we even looked like a couple LOL! Poor Fish was all awkward.

Anyway he mentioned he was still single and brooding. Well because the chio-er girls are in the other lecture group. And that hes complaining about not having a chio girlfriend blah blah. see!

who says looks dont matter?!

Back t topic, i chuckled at his insensitivity and hilarious facial expressions. Sure he could be a pretty nice lad t chat with ya know. While waiting for the bus that is HAHAHAHA. Anyway goody two shoes Fish is a christian. Gawd, i totally couldnt phantom that. And he told me i wasnt the first t say that, awww. He was waiting for his brother which explains why he was at the bustop idly chatting with me away.

A violent side of him emerged when i asked him if the guy behind him ( that guy totally didnt look like him and that guy has a hell load of pimple scars on his face ) was his brother. He made this action of wanting t punch me up :( Until he realised i was waaay shorter than he was and that i'm a sophomore and a girl at that did he embarrassingly showed his apologetic expression.

sweet.

A wonderful weekend ending with a great talking session with the violent cutie.

Spotted a few eye candies in school but nothing serious. One was sooooooo goodlooking but his slippers spoiled it all. Sigh when will people start realising the slippers spoil the pretty clothes they're donning.

Horrifyingly, dad read through a personal diary of mine which i threw away in some place. And he got real upset and talked t me for awhile though. that diary was written 3 yrs ago and it was kind of depressing and violent mentioning how caged i felt and how much i hated him plus the revenge i wanted. Jeez, must have freaked him out. I'll try t make it up t him, i promise.

He even read about the crush part. Good gracious! Utterly embarrassing do i need t say more ?

I guess siewling has been busy lately, i just miss chatting with her so much.

I guess everyone has their own space and life t get on with.

and so do you kathlyn.

2009-07-24T19:01:00.002+08:00

As i'm writing this post, my body is finely wrecked with all kinds of ailments.

oh yes i'm sooo in pain.

On a lighter note, i realised i've been in a incredibly awesome mood ever since i got back results. At least in the mornings when i walk t the bustop with cheerful spring every now and then adding on with sarah connor and westlife on my creative zen, i think life is getting a hell load better.

Yesterday was a start, i was grumpy in the morning for once! I know i sound so sadistic t sound so excited that i'm grumpy for once in the recent mornings. But i was incredibly cheered up during the end of the day.

even with the dreadful body aches and never ending sneezes.

The girls were surprisingly caring towards me LOL! Just kidding :) they've always been sweet making class a breeze most of the time. Anyway i think my body got too heaty because of the bbq and hotpot i had the night before :( Oh my but it was the most satisfying buffet ever! Okay that was an overstatement, nothing could be as good as shangrila buffet!

Shall blog laters, too tired t continue and the tempura squids,fish and humongous strawberries are totally distracting me right now.

my life is a life thy lead.

2009-07-07T12:15:00.002+08:00

Good gracious, i swear i was going crazy yesterday! Right from the night before yesterday till yesterday morning was helluva hectic and well like some crazy sitcom. I was hyperventilating in the bus since i'm like gonna get my QA results the moment i reach school -_-

I was totally edgy,fidgety and grumpy. So grumpy that i could just bite someone's head off.( quote from Julian Hee Urban paper on Mr Sg Universe )

Okay t be fair, i think i did way better than last year, just nice landed on a B :) But its damn freaking wasted that i lost 6 freaking marks because i dint write down the most easiest contraint : Non-negativity

Yes people, you dint see it wrong. Freaking so not worth it ! I was totally mourning over that 6 marks, non negativity contraint made me drop a freaking grade from B+ t B.
Fucking hell! i still cant get over it and i doubt i ever will.

Moving on, no i didnt get back my MR CA2 results yesterday either. I only got back CA1. :(
Utterly depressing i know, i thought i might as well get two heart attacks in a day than having than being on a hyperventilation mode for the next one week. CA1 wasnt bad, it came as a shock t me though. i thought i was gonna get a C+ for it.

thank god i didnt. :)

B+ lol! Okay i was upset i didnt get an A, i know i'm an asshole. But then again i surely wont be getting it because the report wasnt as well done lol. Contradicting -_- Mr joe said MR Question 8 was slightly depressing for our class when he marked, i assume it means i will get a D - C+ for my damned CA2. This is totally depressing for me lah, but then i only started studying the day before the exam HAHAHAHAHA.

Everyone in class started like the week before. Sigh! I hope FMA will get a B and above. Hopefully, i spent like 90% of the time on FMA more than anything else. Even though i suck at QA. Next month the 24th would be the much dreaded semestral exam already, and i cant imagine how surreal it is. Yes its like only a few more weeks away, and i'm already freaking out. God bless my soul man.

Was supposed t come online t finish the rwps draft report but i got hooked on tv earlier. Sigh! Shes gonna kill me, i havent even touched it yet. I'm sucha slacker! I kept telling the girls i will finish it tonight, hell yeah tonight kathlyn. You ended up watching a gory movie with dead people waking up from tombs and roaming all over this voodoo house eating human flesh. God damn it !

Worst still, i was having a stomach upset yesterday. All mighty dad decided i needed a acupuncture on my dont know what JING ( nerve ) t aid in my bad digestion. Nice one kathlyn, you ended up glued t the tv. :(

I feel really bad towards Miss Sharminic, i havent been totally an angel in her class completing homeworks like the girls and the rest did, while she leniently allowed me t do what i want in class. Sigh, i'm an ungrateful asshole.

Okay thats it, i think i'll finish rwps report in class then. Mr Julian's class tmr! Adding on with the fact that class ends at 12pm tmr, this is just plain awesome. :) As much as i dont understand a thing in UCCD, i think Mr Julian rocks! Hes so gentlemanly and lenient, whats not t like ?

Alright, i cant wait for the hols t come while i get the money rolling in and meeting up the people asap especially alex,siewling,lydia,steff and thad.

i'll make that fortune, no matter how hard it takes because i want t spend the rest of my life rich.

2009-07-04T13:56:00.002+08:00

i'm fucking pissed off.

It wasnt like this in the morning, i was well okay lets just say my humongous 5 pimples on my right cheek ruined my day firstly. But i soon got over it as soon as i thought of the magic word make up ; foundation :)

At first i thought i was gonna get well through the day. Obviously, that didnt work out.

Someone went on t comment about me in my face ; oh yes honey, i sure know unpleasant things are hard t hear but this was fucking pissing me off because i feel that hes just being plain unreasonable!

lets review the comments made :

1. Do you turn on the music just for noise in your room? Because thats what i feel.

2. Do you know that the music irritates me and i've t bear with it ?

3. Do you know that i dont want t tell you but now i feel that i should tell you because i cant take it anymore.

4. Do you even like this music ? Its crap and you've been listening t the same music for the past 2 weeks!

5. How many times have i told you NOT t talk and chat over the phone ?

6. Its a time wasting and lazy habit which makes you disorganised, a fucking time waster and lazy. ( seriously, fuck yourself asshole. )

7. I try t control you on msn and you switch t using the phone. You just wont learn do you?

8. Are you trying t please people and be kaypoh on msn again ? ( fucking hell just because he saw glen sending me a video call t check out his new guitar. )

9. Why do you look so moody today, do you have any problems you want t confide t me ? ( you even have the audacity t ask, if you just shut the hell up and stop enforcing your crap on me today would have been a better day. A much better day t add asshole. )

Good lord! ( jeez i'm sounding like some lord abiding christian here, no i'm not dont be mistaken ) Give me a fucking break okay sire? Exams just ended, i think i deserve my break even though i will not be getting any straight As. Just because you dont chat on the phone as often as we do, doesnt mean we have t be a fucking straight no nonsense guy who has some barbed psychotic thinking like you. I've friends i've a life, its not like i spend an hr on the phone daily. gawd, give me a break. I hardly chat on the phone for more than hr, that only happens when i'm on the phone with alex/siewling/lydia/terence which is like at the fucking minimal of like lets see ; 3 times a month or less ?

Oh my i think i'm exploding. I'm so full of hatred right now i'm feeding on my emotions instead of food. And i suppose i can skip dinner tonight because i've got a stomach full of anger i cant be bothered t eat. The last sentence pissed me off very badly. This shows how much you understand me, oh sweet love. *pukes* really sire, stop enforcing your law abiding, barbed wired thinking on me okay ? You got us into this near bankruptcy state. ( okay it isnt that bad since the debts are like half a mil but its still gonna take 10yrs t finish ) if you didnt play in the stocks, didnt gamble and shit none of this would have happened. Stop blaming on feng shui or people for your misfortunes.

Get the facts RIGHT, ITS YOUR FUCKING FAULT OKAY ?

I would rather you call it your so called own misjudgment and shit than blaming it on someone else or worst some stupid feng shui.

As much as i believe in everything supernatural and stuffs like fengshui, it doesnt mean that these things can be used as a excuse for your own mistakes. We've t suffer with you and we didnt complain a shit. We grew up watching people wearing branded clothes, the newest trend and did we complain ?

NO.

We decided t save up money and work t buy the crap we wanted t satisfy ourselves. While you, insisted we are wasting money just because we're changing from the nerdy kid t the more presentable looking kid next door. Even if we're wasting money, we're not using your god damn money okay ?

And what the fuck did you mean by i turn on the music just t make some noise in my room ? i've a question for you ; whats your fucking problem ?

Sure you could have just told me, pls lower down your volume because its a lil distracting sweetheart.

But no ! you had t diss me and say absurd crap like i turn on the music not for entertainment but for noise pollution and adding on with ridiculous things like i've been listening t the same disc for 2 weeks so it gives people doubt as t whether i really like the music or not.

WHAT THE FUCK ?
i should just go fuck myself if thats the case sire.

i dont know who the hell listens t music they dont want t listen, do things they dont want t do, and be so inconsiderate as t turn up the music so loud.

The most outrageous thing was when you came in and adjusted the volume t what i usually adjust, and tell me its acceptable. Plus happily lying t yourself at the sitting room telling me you cant hear the songs being played on my hi fi set in my room. Then really, what is it thats bothering you dad ? What music had been irritating you for the past two weeks as you claimed ?

oh wait, that wasnt the most absurd thing, the music he claimed was crap was jacky cheung's 24K gold album bought by himself ages ago.

big joke, HAHAHA.

I dont know whose a bigger joke, you trying t ruin my day or me analysing these crap you mentioned which utterly makes no sense.

Lets take it that i'm the bigger joke given the fact that i'm stupid enough t even be bothered t decipher these shits you mentioned.

Dont ask me whats bothering me because the answer is so fucking obvious while you enjoy self deceiving yourself saying its some school problem i faced instead.

For your information, things at school are considered business t me. I dont mix my business matters with personal matters. Once i get my ass home, i cant be bothered t think about school. Even if i do have problems in school i cant be fucking bothered because i'm too busy trying t do well in school t escape the constant interrogation and pressure you're putting on me.

For the past one week, you've been asking me if i could get A for this paper or not and i would like t tell you, you're stressing me like shit and i cant take it.

Now that the exams are over i demand my break from all the crap. I know you wont read my blog, and i wish you never would. You never understood me so quit acting like you do when you're just a chavunistic bastard who a ego the size of a god damn fatso.

I'm not gonna follow in mum's footsteps and marry a dickhead like you. T hell about your beliefs about women are supposed t listen t men and crap. Yes i'm rebelling and abolishing this male is better than female crap and i'm loving it.

Its either i be a old spinster or get a guy who cherishes me and not treat me like shit like that way you do.

If i really dont get married in life, you only have yourself t blame asshole.

The more i try t understand you the more i realise we cant communicate with your unreasonable nature, as much as i try not t dislike you, i realise my dislike for you is running so deep that even BUDDLHA cant do a shit about it, i was borne in the wrong country wrong family and wrong timing.

THIS IS THE ONLY THING I REGRET IN LIFE,
BEING BORNE AS A CHILD IN YOUR FUCKING FAMILY.
SUFFERING WITH YOU AND ENDURING YOUR CRAP.