Sunday, November 15, 2009
I've been wasting my life away lately. I can feel this insistent need t just go exercise everything out. I just want t let everything out, i feel so caged lately.
I attribute this t the confidential talks i had with my mum. She sounded very unhappy with her controlled life and i wondered, is this the kind of marital life i wanted ? I doubt we would be able t go t 2nd Aunt's customary daughter's wedding. I think mum's getting emotional because 2nd Aunt just contacted her like after decades of no-contact relationship. Shes running through the memories of her past and dictating it out t me. From what i heard, 90% of it is depressing. Given my current emotional state, heck its depressing t me as well.
Yesterday morning was the worst. All she was interested in doing was talk talk talk. Me on the other hand was silent and cringing at the stories she was fishing out. Nice way t get me t shut up and be a good listener for once. I was getting a little exasperated, because i know i cant relieve her pain and this will continue indefinitely. I was getting depressed, quite depressed actually.
Until she decided t get her groceries. I decided t tag along just t lighten up the mood besides i dont relish the idea of her driving unchaperoned on the roads t three different places. People who are observant knows how bastard-ised some people can get on the roads. And the last thing i want is t be absent when people hurl abuse at my blur mother.
Threw on my cherry red and pink checkered boyfriend shirt ( which belongs t elon but i decided t steal it for myself as i decided it looked better on me ) and black shorts with my new canvas backpack. Ah lian t the max, i couldnt stand looking at myself. Adding on with skull painted slippers, damn i look like a hooker or streetside gangster.
Thank god she loosened up as we went grocery shopping as we humped from place t place. Saw uncle darren and his shu nu wife. I love how innocent his wife looks, she looks innocent even in her ultra short shorts. I mean like seriously! Not every women can pull off that look. Gawd, i'm envious. Did i mention ? She was wearing specs for the first time and omfg, she looked like a teacher. A sexy one at that woo! Okay i think i'm getting sick, like how sicko cy's pants are.
Back t topic, i was flitting from place t place listening t dave's ( david archuleta, archie sounds sooo...whatever ) whole album. Thinking of the ingredients i need t make an awesome pasta. Mum was teaching me some grocery tips, damn i feel more like an auntie now. Not that its a bad point but, i'm only 18. It doesnt make sense for me t start behaving like one doesnt it ?
Went t have a snack at sheng siong foodcourt with mum after grocery shopping. She was famished while i was totally suffering from hand aches. Imagine carrying 5kg of rice on each hand plus some frozen meat. Kill me. I dont think i need t run later on. Had my much craved egg roti prata while mum had her disgusting black glutinous rice.
She did lighten a bit after hanging out so i was quite relieved. Until this jerk of a driver we happened t see when mum was parking the car. Mum isnt a awesome driver, neither is she average. Shes just like an amateur, but it doesnt give people a reason t honk her nor halt his car like one inch away from her while shes parking the car.
This is one of the main reason why i dont think i'll ever bother getting my car license. Guys always say things like oh must be a woman driving. My dad says that all the time. So do i actually. Runs in the family man, even my aunt says that. Its not because i will prolly fail as a driver but because i'll prolly giving every jerk drivers the finger or start swearing / hurling abuses at them. Be it whether they taunt me or honk me, my temper is hard t isolate. I've tried anger management, doesnt work very well for me.
Anyway main thing is, this driver was like halting his car like 1 inch away from our car, and mum was so flustered and me as usual was fucking pissed off. I gave him a glare and reached across the steering wheel t wind down mum's window with the hope of giving him the finger and asking him t fuck off. Just as i was reaching across, i was met with a hard slap on my elbow. Awwww, thanks mum. -_- She really pissed me off as she kept procrastinating how embarrassing this confrontation would get especially since we're in the same neighbourhood.
But problem is, i dont give a fuck who he is.
He can be the President of USA for all i care, i would still give him my finger and call him a fucking cunt for halting his car so near without a decent breathing space for our car t park properly.
I hate KAYU drivers, especially those who try t block your way or halt their car so near t yours when you're parking only t zoom off the moment theres enough space for their fugly cars t drive pass. It just drives me crazy, not only me it drives my tempremental disturbingly hormonal father crazy as well. Trust me, he wont be like me. He will be much worst. Like asking you t a duel or something.
Well so much for fate, i saw my preschool cum highschool class&sch mate. Kenneth. Dont mention, we've never been on good terms. And thanks t the anger which was alr boiling, he earned a hateful glare from me. Not that i feel sorry about it, i just hate it when people see me in my most embarrassed or pissed off moments. Things can get pretty ugly when i'm flabbergasted. No one has ever seen it before, and it better stays that way.
Oh well, i'm sick of having t tell my mum t reverse this way and steer that way in order t get in the parking space that i cant take it anymore, i just get angry. Especially when she doesnt listen and insist on doing her own way only succumbing t my method when we're like desperate. And then chiding me for being a blabbermouth when my method actually works like a miracle. Awww thanks mum. -_- i can already foresee vince and me being a much better driver than mum.
Honestly, i dont feel like driving because i've seen the mortrifying driving lessons dad gave mum on the car. Utterly pride-loserly. Screaming, shouting and the occasional slaps. Oh my, i'm not ready t face that. I still prefer my own method of learning it secretly behind his back when i reach my twenties. I believe i can do as well without him. I've been trying t remember my ways around my home just so that when i get a car i can drive myself. :)
Adding on with the transitlink problem, all the more i'm fired up t get hardworking earn big bucks and get my own fucking sports car! Cant wait, i already thought of the brand i wanted, as much as uncle john's audi sports car looks mouthwatering, i think i'll go for a Ferrari.
Lets just say my relationship with people is screwed right now. People i'm close with at home. As much as i love my father's absence at home, my mum's daily rant on her miserable life is depressing me and making me go crazy. Elon's horrible attitude towards her isnt helping, vince's all-i-want-t-play attitude is driving me nuts as well. And me mulling over my lack of motivation t study is killing me as well. Sigh, i'm like facing a mid-life crisis right now.
I havent told his holiness that i'm going t catch a movie with the girls tmr after school. :( I wonder if he would get angry or something. Mum insist i should find a right time t tell him, while i cant wait t just pull out my hair just waiting for the right time.
Been bottling things up lately and i've been like carrying the world's burdens on my shoulders. Feels awful man, all i can think about is the failures i'm gonna get. I do hope i get in entrepreneurship when the results come out next week. Though i seriously doubt my own capability but if april and i get in i'll prolly team up with her as a group. :) That is, if i even manage t get in.
Life sucks when you're as problematic as me. Thank god i've dave's wonderful song; my hands with me. If not i'm gonna go ballistic.
Goodbye!
I attribute this t the confidential talks i had with my mum. She sounded very unhappy with her controlled life and i wondered, is this the kind of marital life i wanted ? I doubt we would be able t go t 2nd Aunt's customary daughter's wedding. I think mum's getting emotional because 2nd Aunt just contacted her like after decades of no-contact relationship. Shes running through the memories of her past and dictating it out t me. From what i heard, 90% of it is depressing. Given my current emotional state, heck its depressing t me as well.
Yesterday morning was the worst. All she was interested in doing was talk talk talk. Me on the other hand was silent and cringing at the stories she was fishing out. Nice way t get me t shut up and be a good listener for once. I was getting a little exasperated, because i know i cant relieve her pain and this will continue indefinitely. I was getting depressed, quite depressed actually.
Until she decided t get her groceries. I decided t tag along just t lighten up the mood besides i dont relish the idea of her driving unchaperoned on the roads t three different places. People who are observant knows how bastard-ised some people can get on the roads. And the last thing i want is t be absent when people hurl abuse at my blur mother.
Threw on my cherry red and pink checkered boyfriend shirt ( which belongs t elon but i decided t steal it for myself as i decided it looked better on me ) and black shorts with my new canvas backpack. Ah lian t the max, i couldnt stand looking at myself. Adding on with skull painted slippers, damn i look like a hooker or streetside gangster.
Thank god she loosened up as we went grocery shopping as we humped from place t place. Saw uncle darren and his shu nu wife. I love how innocent his wife looks, she looks innocent even in her ultra short shorts. I mean like seriously! Not every women can pull off that look. Gawd, i'm envious. Did i mention ? She was wearing specs for the first time and omfg, she looked like a teacher. A sexy one at that woo! Okay i think i'm getting sick, like how sicko cy's pants are.
Back t topic, i was flitting from place t place listening t dave's ( david archuleta, archie sounds sooo...whatever ) whole album. Thinking of the ingredients i need t make an awesome pasta. Mum was teaching me some grocery tips, damn i feel more like an auntie now. Not that its a bad point but, i'm only 18. It doesnt make sense for me t start behaving like one doesnt it ?
Went t have a snack at sheng siong foodcourt with mum after grocery shopping. She was famished while i was totally suffering from hand aches. Imagine carrying 5kg of rice on each hand plus some frozen meat. Kill me. I dont think i need t run later on. Had my much craved egg roti prata while mum had her disgusting black glutinous rice.
She did lighten a bit after hanging out so i was quite relieved. Until this jerk of a driver we happened t see when mum was parking the car. Mum isnt a awesome driver, neither is she average. Shes just like an amateur, but it doesnt give people a reason t honk her nor halt his car like one inch away from her while shes parking the car.
This is one of the main reason why i dont think i'll ever bother getting my car license. Guys always say things like oh must be a woman driving. My dad says that all the time. So do i actually. Runs in the family man, even my aunt says that. Its not because i will prolly fail as a driver but because i'll prolly giving every jerk drivers the finger or start swearing / hurling abuses at them. Be it whether they taunt me or honk me, my temper is hard t isolate. I've tried anger management, doesnt work very well for me.
Anyway main thing is, this driver was like halting his car like 1 inch away from our car, and mum was so flustered and me as usual was fucking pissed off. I gave him a glare and reached across the steering wheel t wind down mum's window with the hope of giving him the finger and asking him t fuck off. Just as i was reaching across, i was met with a hard slap on my elbow. Awwww, thanks mum. -_- She really pissed me off as she kept procrastinating how embarrassing this confrontation would get especially since we're in the same neighbourhood.
But problem is, i dont give a fuck who he is.
He can be the President of USA for all i care, i would still give him my finger and call him a fucking cunt for halting his car so near without a decent breathing space for our car t park properly.
I hate KAYU drivers, especially those who try t block your way or halt their car so near t yours when you're parking only t zoom off the moment theres enough space for their fugly cars t drive pass. It just drives me crazy, not only me it drives my tempremental disturbingly hormonal father crazy as well. Trust me, he wont be like me. He will be much worst. Like asking you t a duel or something.
Well so much for fate, i saw my preschool cum highschool class&sch mate. Kenneth. Dont mention, we've never been on good terms. And thanks t the anger which was alr boiling, he earned a hateful glare from me. Not that i feel sorry about it, i just hate it when people see me in my most embarrassed or pissed off moments. Things can get pretty ugly when i'm flabbergasted. No one has ever seen it before, and it better stays that way.
Oh well, i'm sick of having t tell my mum t reverse this way and steer that way in order t get in the parking space that i cant take it anymore, i just get angry. Especially when she doesnt listen and insist on doing her own way only succumbing t my method when we're like desperate. And then chiding me for being a blabbermouth when my method actually works like a miracle. Awww thanks mum. -_- i can already foresee vince and me being a much better driver than mum.
Honestly, i dont feel like driving because i've seen the mortrifying driving lessons dad gave mum on the car. Utterly pride-loserly. Screaming, shouting and the occasional slaps. Oh my, i'm not ready t face that. I still prefer my own method of learning it secretly behind his back when i reach my twenties. I believe i can do as well without him. I've been trying t remember my ways around my home just so that when i get a car i can drive myself. :)
Adding on with the transitlink problem, all the more i'm fired up t get hardworking earn big bucks and get my own fucking sports car! Cant wait, i already thought of the brand i wanted, as much as uncle john's audi sports car looks mouthwatering, i think i'll go for a Ferrari.
Lets just say my relationship with people is screwed right now. People i'm close with at home. As much as i love my father's absence at home, my mum's daily rant on her miserable life is depressing me and making me go crazy. Elon's horrible attitude towards her isnt helping, vince's all-i-want-t-play attitude is driving me nuts as well. And me mulling over my lack of motivation t study is killing me as well. Sigh, i'm like facing a mid-life crisis right now.
I havent told his holiness that i'm going t catch a movie with the girls tmr after school. :( I wonder if he would get angry or something. Mum insist i should find a right time t tell him, while i cant wait t just pull out my hair just waiting for the right time.
Been bottling things up lately and i've been like carrying the world's burdens on my shoulders. Feels awful man, all i can think about is the failures i'm gonna get. I do hope i get in entrepreneurship when the results come out next week. Though i seriously doubt my own capability but if april and i get in i'll prolly team up with her as a group. :) That is, if i even manage t get in.
Life sucks when you're as problematic as me. Thank god i've dave's wonderful song; my hands with me. If not i'm gonna go ballistic.
Goodbye!
3:37 PM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I'm like fucking pissed off t the maximum.
It all started when my bus card decided t render its resignation. It just terminated its services without notice! I was so flustered and exasperated. You'll never imagine seeing me like this, its a total classic.
Back t the story, I went t dover control station and was gaily told t get my arse off t Jurong East Interchange. So i took my not-so-virgin mrt trip with lulu and jek. I was like thinking all the possibilities through my mind. When i arrived, kind lulu decided t tag along t keep me company plus t see how much of a bitch i can get.
Well, my card was replaced with a new one but i need t pay $10 to add value t my now currently empty new card. T my horror, they said i can only get my concession and remaining value in my card a holy 1 week later. She was ultimately disappointed because i didnt want t lose my temper at some senior citizen.
I was utterly pissed off beyond comprehension. The moment i got on the bus, i dialled the toll-free number and told the lady on the phone what was my situation etc. I know i was sounding very fierce and pissed off, i could sense her fear through her stuttering. And i felt bad, so i hung up. Besides i was on the bus, i didnt really want t make a scene.
Have sent them an email and left a flabbergasted voicemail. They better fucking reply or call me back before my 3hr break tmr. Dont make me wait if not all the girls would be enjoying a nice show tmr.
I find it absurd i've t pay an extra $20 for transportation for that one week.
Hello TRANSITLINK, ITS SINGAPORE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, NOT USA WHERE THEY'RE SO MANY STATES SO FAR APART FROM EACH OTHER.
YOU DONT NEED 7DAYS T ANALYSE MY CARD DO YOU ?
FIRST ITS UNREASONABLE CONCESSION RATES, NOW THIS ?
I'll show them what poly students are made of, so sick of people treating poly students like second class just because we didnt opt t go JC.
On a lighter note, i hope t go t my cousin's wedding. Mama's sister called earlier t say her daughter is getting married and she hopes we could all go. Great! Hot guys, Pretty girls here i come! :D
It all started when my bus card decided t render its resignation. It just terminated its services without notice! I was so flustered and exasperated. You'll never imagine seeing me like this, its a total classic.
Back t the story, I went t dover control station and was gaily told t get my arse off t Jurong East Interchange. So i took my not-so-virgin mrt trip with lulu and jek. I was like thinking all the possibilities through my mind. When i arrived, kind lulu decided t tag along t keep me company plus t see how much of a bitch i can get.
Well, my card was replaced with a new one but i need t pay $10 to add value t my now currently empty new card. T my horror, they said i can only get my concession and remaining value in my card a holy 1 week later. She was ultimately disappointed because i didnt want t lose my temper at some senior citizen.
I was utterly pissed off beyond comprehension. The moment i got on the bus, i dialled the toll-free number and told the lady on the phone what was my situation etc. I know i was sounding very fierce and pissed off, i could sense her fear through her stuttering. And i felt bad, so i hung up. Besides i was on the bus, i didnt really want t make a scene.
Have sent them an email and left a flabbergasted voicemail. They better fucking reply or call me back before my 3hr break tmr. Dont make me wait if not all the girls would be enjoying a nice show tmr.
I find it absurd i've t pay an extra $20 for transportation for that one week.
Hello TRANSITLINK, ITS SINGAPORE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, NOT USA WHERE THEY'RE SO MANY STATES SO FAR APART FROM EACH OTHER.
YOU DONT NEED 7DAYS T ANALYSE MY CARD DO YOU ?
FIRST ITS UNREASONABLE CONCESSION RATES, NOW THIS ?
I'll show them what poly students are made of, so sick of people treating poly students like second class just because we didnt opt t go JC.
On a lighter note, i hope t go t my cousin's wedding. Mama's sister called earlier t say her daughter is getting married and she hopes we could all go. Great! Hot guys, Pretty girls here i come! :D
9:04 PM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Its reaching 10pm and i'm cant sleep. I dont know why, and i cant be bothered t find out why. I was terribly touched by this story i read in buzzle written by a talented writer with a high potential guy called Triple A. I know what kind of name is that right ?! But the story he wrote really touched me, its like wow. Sad enough t make me tear up, tell me how many stories can you read and end up tearing ?
Story's title is When they Cried. About poor people and how one big sister, June, was taking care of 3 lil brothers, Nathanial - Lucas - Jeremiah, whom happened t be sons fathered by her scandalous mother whom had like 3 other men in her life. Downright sick and pathetic. Oh my, i hate that Ryan ( June's stepfather, Jeremiah's biological dad ) who raped June and brings Audrey ( Mum t all the kids ) t other places for months or weeks. Leaving June with no money at all. I was horribly disgusted inside out. I felt like going t the kitchen t get a chopper and go straight up t Ryan and just cut his balls off. Including his jackass of a head.
Oh my i cant believe i'm getting pissed off over a fiction character.
I've been slacking as usual. Break today was well spentttttttt. :) JM was like helping me curl my eyelashes and chengyun helped me apply mascara. Thanks t mallory for giving me those 2 mascaras. :D
Alright nothing more t blog. Thanks t vani though for sending me david's whole album. Made me love him like x100000000000000 more! Btw, today's funniest scene ever when i told the girls about Ahem, eyecandy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Kanchiong queens, all of them. You should have seen, widespread panic man.
JM was like saying damn loud; WHO ? WHERE?!
Mallory was like WHERE?!
Cy was like i cant see his face! Aiyah turn round i cant see his face!
Amanda was like; oh he left already ? ( shes blur until you just want t kiss her man,mad cute )
Luchella was like a bit quiet but i remembered she asked who who ?
Jek and Weiling was like sitting there eyes open. Maybe different frequency. But Mallory JM and Cy was enough t make panic spread. thanks man. I think the table beside us also know alr. Okay, at least i get a clear view of one AHAHAHAHAHA RIGHT JM ? Taste really is subjective. I know siewling would be a jackass and start saying i've horrible taste. Like duhhhhhhhhh.
I love it when Jek said; beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Oh my i better hope my future boyfriend is hot in my eyes. *Prays hard* Alright gonna burn some jossticks and pray hard for that t come true. Goodbye!
But its hard t hold on,
but girl try t hold on.
I'm standing here and i know i cant do this anymore.
Hold on t my hand,
dont let go.
Story's title is When they Cried. About poor people and how one big sister, June, was taking care of 3 lil brothers, Nathanial - Lucas - Jeremiah, whom happened t be sons fathered by her scandalous mother whom had like 3 other men in her life. Downright sick and pathetic. Oh my, i hate that Ryan ( June's stepfather, Jeremiah's biological dad ) who raped June and brings Audrey ( Mum t all the kids ) t other places for months or weeks. Leaving June with no money at all. I was horribly disgusted inside out. I felt like going t the kitchen t get a chopper and go straight up t Ryan and just cut his balls off. Including his jackass of a head.
Oh my i cant believe i'm getting pissed off over a fiction character.
I've been slacking as usual. Break today was well spentttttttt. :) JM was like helping me curl my eyelashes and chengyun helped me apply mascara. Thanks t mallory for giving me those 2 mascaras. :D
Alright nothing more t blog. Thanks t vani though for sending me david's whole album. Made me love him like x100000000000000 more! Btw, today's funniest scene ever when i told the girls about Ahem, eyecandy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Kanchiong queens, all of them. You should have seen, widespread panic man.
JM was like saying damn loud; WHO ? WHERE?!
Mallory was like WHERE?!
Cy was like i cant see his face! Aiyah turn round i cant see his face!
Amanda was like; oh he left already ? ( shes blur until you just want t kiss her man,mad cute )
Luchella was like a bit quiet but i remembered she asked who who ?
Jek and Weiling was like sitting there eyes open. Maybe different frequency. But Mallory JM and Cy was enough t make panic spread. thanks man. I think the table beside us also know alr. Okay, at least i get a clear view of one AHAHAHAHAHA RIGHT JM ? Taste really is subjective. I know siewling would be a jackass and start saying i've horrible taste. Like duhhhhhhhhh.
I love it when Jek said; beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Oh my i better hope my future boyfriend is hot in my eyes. *Prays hard* Alright gonna burn some jossticks and pray hard for that t come true. Goodbye!
But its hard t hold on,
but girl try t hold on.
I'm standing here and i know i cant do this anymore.
Hold on t my hand,
dont let go.
9:39 PM
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Strong people dont say that it hurts,
because we gotta swallow it up.
we all have our fair share of pain,
every single person not just me.
some people just dont show it,
but everyone has them.
We be strong not because we've t be,
but because we want t be!
thanks for your passage of wisdom sis. :)
And yes terence, you're always right.
I'm glad everything is all spilled out. I feel better than before.
thank you eggies. -nicknamed by cy.
because we gotta swallow it up.
we all have our fair share of pain,
every single person not just me.
some people just dont show it,
but everyone has them.
We be strong not because we've t be,
but because we want t be!
thanks for your passage of wisdom sis. :)
And yes terence, you're always right.
I'm glad everything is all spilled out. I feel better than before.
thank you eggies. -nicknamed by cy.
8:53 PM
I've been sick, if you added the coughing fit i had yesterday oh thank you, it was hell.
Though the dry coughing fit is over, my much dreaded bronchitis phlegm filled cough ensued today morning. Really ruined my mood, of all the illnesses i ever had i totally detest this syndrome. I hate the disgusting phlegm cough i have when i'm almost recovering, Jek says its a good sign but no, i just hate it! Maybe because i hate spitting so very much, i just fucking hate spitting!
Especially jerks who spit in the pool. -_-
I'm saying this because while the girls ( luchella, weiling, jiamin, jek ) and i were happily receiving our towels at spgg and i proudly told them i was gonna go out swimming, this guy spit right into the pool before he even entered.
I was like, WHAT THE FUCK ?!
I swear i almost went bonkers, i swore never t swim that spot again. Its just sucha uncivilised act okay ? I dont want t be mean or anything but hello ?! I've like phlegm all over my throat you dont even see me spit on the road or anything what more about the pool ? Jeez, t think that guy might also be a poly mate. I'm gagging.
Yesterday was fun, and while we had fun cy and amanda were studying in the library. Added stress, really added stress t me. :( Okay back t self consoling like what i learnt from jek, at least i finished one of jerene's assignments. Money money come rolling innnnnnnnnnnnn.
I'm officially $125 richer. Happy! Not that i'm finding a new way t spend it, i'm like so thrifty lately all i spend is like 15$ per week you peeps oughta congratulate a lil. Victoria Secret private spree is cancelled, make me emo only. Just when i saw this gorgeous jeans on sale there. I feel the itch t get it even though i'm still considering.
Besides, luchella and elon's birthday are coming. I dont even know what t get for their birthday. But i know for sure what i want t get for vince's birthday alr. A leather/PVC biker jacket. :) Dont worry, i'll be ordering from taobao. I wont spend more than like 50$ for one.
On a much lighter note, my bags from taobao are arriving NEXT WEEEEEEEEEK! i'm so excited! Finally can bring a backpack t sch like normal. Its weird when all the girls carry backpack except me, feels weird too. Gosh, i just realised something.
I havent showered yet. :O Okay off t the showers goodbye!
List of things t do;
- finish my tutorials
- revise my subjects
- do jerene's assignments
- pack my messy table
- pack my hopelessly messy closet
do you think of what we could be when your alone ?
do you catch your breath when i look at you,
or do you hide it like you always do ?
Though the dry coughing fit is over, my much dreaded bronchitis phlegm filled cough ensued today morning. Really ruined my mood, of all the illnesses i ever had i totally detest this syndrome. I hate the disgusting phlegm cough i have when i'm almost recovering, Jek says its a good sign but no, i just hate it! Maybe because i hate spitting so very much, i just fucking hate spitting!
Especially jerks who spit in the pool. -_-
I'm saying this because while the girls ( luchella, weiling, jiamin, jek ) and i were happily receiving our towels at spgg and i proudly told them i was gonna go out swimming, this guy spit right into the pool before he even entered.
I was like, WHAT THE FUCK ?!
I swear i almost went bonkers, i swore never t swim that spot again. Its just sucha uncivilised act okay ? I dont want t be mean or anything but hello ?! I've like phlegm all over my throat you dont even see me spit on the road or anything what more about the pool ? Jeez, t think that guy might also be a poly mate. I'm gagging.
Yesterday was fun, and while we had fun cy and amanda were studying in the library. Added stress, really added stress t me. :( Okay back t self consoling like what i learnt from jek, at least i finished one of jerene's assignments. Money money come rolling innnnnnnnnnnnn.
I'm officially $125 richer. Happy! Not that i'm finding a new way t spend it, i'm like so thrifty lately all i spend is like 15$ per week you peeps oughta congratulate a lil. Victoria Secret private spree is cancelled, make me emo only. Just when i saw this gorgeous jeans on sale there. I feel the itch t get it even though i'm still considering.
Besides, luchella and elon's birthday are coming. I dont even know what t get for their birthday. But i know for sure what i want t get for vince's birthday alr. A leather/PVC biker jacket. :) Dont worry, i'll be ordering from taobao. I wont spend more than like 50$ for one.
On a much lighter note, my bags from taobao are arriving NEXT WEEEEEEEEEK! i'm so excited! Finally can bring a backpack t sch like normal. Its weird when all the girls carry backpack except me, feels weird too. Gosh, i just realised something.
I havent showered yet. :O Okay off t the showers goodbye!
List of things t do;
- finish my tutorials
- revise my subjects
- do jerene's assignments
- pack my messy table
- pack my hopelessly messy closet
do you think of what we could be when your alone ?
do you catch your breath when i look at you,
or do you hide it like you always do ?
4:52 PM
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I cant fucking stand it anymore! Some pathetic Singaporeans are so fucking cheapskate and kiasu they just piss me off. I swear i had tried t tolerate their downright cheapskate and kiasu behaviour but it so happens theres a kiasu singaporean in every corner i see. The younger generation is a lil better but it doesnt mean all of us are angels.
First things first okay, firstly when i came home on a stormy rainy tuesday evening poor elon came over t gek poh shopping centre t fetch me since i was umbrella-less. How sweet of him right ? :) Fast forward, we left the two brellas outside our door t dry. And mind you, it was some cheapskate umbrella. 4 freaking hours later, only one umbrella was seen. I've been fucking tolerant i tell you, first my baby brandy, then josh ( the turtle ) then some other cute hamsters then followed by a study table followed by shoes, shoe cabinet and then some pots of plants.
ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING DESPERATE OR WHAT ?
I still remember the gist of it, the study table was so fucking heavy. And within 2hrs it was gone. I dont know what t say of these people, my next door neighbour and that malay neighbour has been angels. But seeing my current situation i cant help my grouch grumble and fucking pull out my hair. You thieves have got t stop stealing my family's property jackasses! I swear the next time round i see people stealing my stuffs, i'll go back t the kitchen and arm myself with a chopper and come chopping towards them.
i dont care if i chop off your manhood, your vagina breasts or your head, i'm gonna fucking chop you jerks off until you have something missing from your body like what you guys made my family missed.
Second issue, i fucking hate parents who dont discipline their unruly kids more oftenly known as; kids from hell. I've been realising that theres this indian boy ( not being racist here, quit being so sensitive ) with his mum who takes the same bus as me every morning. I usually take one bus earlier so as t avoid them, do you know why ? Because i cant stand that boy's kiasu attitude. I totally cant stand it. Let me elaborate, the first time i saw that boy i totally lost my cool. The moment he got on the bus, he screamed and ran right towards the deck of the bus pushing everyone in his way away. I saw him push a fellow polymate and she almost dropped her books. thats what changed my mind of him.
So whenever i see him now, i roll my eyes and the first thing that comes t my mind is; here we go again asshole. Maybe its just me. Worst thing was when his mum didnt say or do a thing. Not even a apathetic apology t the lady who got pushed. Y'know what ? Fuck her. I always held this belief that if you cant discipline your child well okay lets not say well, lets just be more lenient at least for the love of god discipline them decently. If you cant do that, then dont have one! Because if this continues and no one proceeds t tell him its wrong, hes gonna be a pest t the society and its this kind of people whom make us singaporeans paiseh. I'm so sick of my penpals telling me what kind of rumors they've been hearing about singaporeans. How cheapskate and kiasu we're and whatever. I dont rebuke them because i know its true. Although i do emphasize that not all of them are this way.
Third issue is the one which propelled me t blog. Well y'know the new buses have this tiny space on the upper deck for passengers t stand ? Well i stood at the v inside because i was hopped on the bus earlier and there was this auntie beside me. No offence t all aunties, only offence t all fucking kiasu aunties. I was facing another side when a guy behind me left his seat, i wanted t take the seat. I dont deny, i really wanted t have a seat because the bus ride is gonna be damn long and i was sick with flu and the tissues flying all over thanks t my never ending tap nose whose close switch went faulty. I was barely turning when the lady beside me horridly pushed me hard just t get that seat. If it wasnt a fucking hard push which almost made me fall i wouldnt be petty enough t blog, besides that seat was just behind me.
She just pushed her fat ass through without even caring about my plight. Well hello fat ass, not everyone has a ass as big as a uk 14 and just push through ppl just t get a seat. Even if you wanted a seat you could have at least have the decency t push through gently or something. For fuck sake you push so hard, its not your life depended on your seat. I'm not being petty over the seat, i'm pissed off over the fact that she pushed me so hard that i almost fell just for a pathetic seat that she needed so much her life depended on it.
She totally ruined my morning, i couldnt stop the bubble of anger from bubbling in my stomach. I was coughing so badly, though i wasnt facing her, i had this sick feeling of turning round and coughing right in her puny face just t let her get my mean viral flu and just fucking drop dead. Shes just fucking lucky because there was a hot guy on the bus and i didnt want t do something so unglam. Damn i'm a mean bitch, i attribute this t my current flu-dosed body which is feeling so very pek chek right now.
I know some self righteous assholes will say how can you even blog this socially irresponsible blogpost because they refuse t believe that singaporeans are this way or they know and refuse t comment and find me crude rude irrevocably whiny in writing this post. Lets all face it, the truth is always painful. Better t know now than never, am i not right ? I'm not perfect but i know very well i dont possess these holy attributes. Sure, i may find a seat when i need one on the mrt but i dont go t that extent.
Speaking of mrt, the main reason i'm taking the bus now is because i cant stand the kiasu attitudes of imbeciles at the mrt stations. Oh great, now the bus also has people like that. -_-
Fuck, i wish all kiasu singaporeans would just all drop dead.
All they ever do is ruin singaporean's squeaky clean image. Thanks ah.
This post has a hell load of f-word so i would appreciate it if you dont judge me on that swear word because i wrote this in anger. Cynt and Wynne kindly refrain from taking after me, afterall your pure innocent minds are too precious t pollute. I dont want boyfriends or mums t come hounding after me that i taught them all the wrong stuffs. That would be a big big big problem.
Alright i'm all typed out and happy because i got 20/25 for blaw quiz! :D Dont belittle me, even though it was an online quiz i didnt refer t any notes at all.
Now that my readers, is an amazing feat.
This crush aint going away.
do you feel the same or do you hide it the way you always do ?
First things first okay, firstly when i came home on a stormy rainy tuesday evening poor elon came over t gek poh shopping centre t fetch me since i was umbrella-less. How sweet of him right ? :) Fast forward, we left the two brellas outside our door t dry. And mind you, it was some cheapskate umbrella. 4 freaking hours later, only one umbrella was seen. I've been fucking tolerant i tell you, first my baby brandy, then josh ( the turtle ) then some other cute hamsters then followed by a study table followed by shoes, shoe cabinet and then some pots of plants.
ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING DESPERATE OR WHAT ?
I still remember the gist of it, the study table was so fucking heavy. And within 2hrs it was gone. I dont know what t say of these people, my next door neighbour and that malay neighbour has been angels. But seeing my current situation i cant help my grouch grumble and fucking pull out my hair. You thieves have got t stop stealing my family's property jackasses! I swear the next time round i see people stealing my stuffs, i'll go back t the kitchen and arm myself with a chopper and come chopping towards them.
i dont care if i chop off your manhood, your vagina breasts or your head, i'm gonna fucking chop you jerks off until you have something missing from your body like what you guys made my family missed.
Second issue, i fucking hate parents who dont discipline their unruly kids more oftenly known as; kids from hell. I've been realising that theres this indian boy ( not being racist here, quit being so sensitive ) with his mum who takes the same bus as me every morning. I usually take one bus earlier so as t avoid them, do you know why ? Because i cant stand that boy's kiasu attitude. I totally cant stand it. Let me elaborate, the first time i saw that boy i totally lost my cool. The moment he got on the bus, he screamed and ran right towards the deck of the bus pushing everyone in his way away. I saw him push a fellow polymate and she almost dropped her books. thats what changed my mind of him.
So whenever i see him now, i roll my eyes and the first thing that comes t my mind is; here we go again asshole. Maybe its just me. Worst thing was when his mum didnt say or do a thing. Not even a apathetic apology t the lady who got pushed. Y'know what ? Fuck her. I always held this belief that if you cant discipline your child well okay lets not say well, lets just be more lenient at least for the love of god discipline them decently. If you cant do that, then dont have one! Because if this continues and no one proceeds t tell him its wrong, hes gonna be a pest t the society and its this kind of people whom make us singaporeans paiseh. I'm so sick of my penpals telling me what kind of rumors they've been hearing about singaporeans. How cheapskate and kiasu we're and whatever. I dont rebuke them because i know its true. Although i do emphasize that not all of them are this way.
Third issue is the one which propelled me t blog. Well y'know the new buses have this tiny space on the upper deck for passengers t stand ? Well i stood at the v inside because i was hopped on the bus earlier and there was this auntie beside me. No offence t all aunties, only offence t all fucking kiasu aunties. I was facing another side when a guy behind me left his seat, i wanted t take the seat. I dont deny, i really wanted t have a seat because the bus ride is gonna be damn long and i was sick with flu and the tissues flying all over thanks t my never ending tap nose whose close switch went faulty. I was barely turning when the lady beside me horridly pushed me hard just t get that seat. If it wasnt a fucking hard push which almost made me fall i wouldnt be petty enough t blog, besides that seat was just behind me.
She just pushed her fat ass through without even caring about my plight. Well hello fat ass, not everyone has a ass as big as a uk 14 and just push through ppl just t get a seat. Even if you wanted a seat you could have at least have the decency t push through gently or something. For fuck sake you push so hard, its not your life depended on your seat. I'm not being petty over the seat, i'm pissed off over the fact that she pushed me so hard that i almost fell just for a pathetic seat that she needed so much her life depended on it.
She totally ruined my morning, i couldnt stop the bubble of anger from bubbling in my stomach. I was coughing so badly, though i wasnt facing her, i had this sick feeling of turning round and coughing right in her puny face just t let her get my mean viral flu and just fucking drop dead. Shes just fucking lucky because there was a hot guy on the bus and i didnt want t do something so unglam. Damn i'm a mean bitch, i attribute this t my current flu-dosed body which is feeling so very pek chek right now.
I know some self righteous assholes will say how can you even blog this socially irresponsible blogpost because they refuse t believe that singaporeans are this way or they know and refuse t comment and find me crude rude irrevocably whiny in writing this post. Lets all face it, the truth is always painful. Better t know now than never, am i not right ? I'm not perfect but i know very well i dont possess these holy attributes. Sure, i may find a seat when i need one on the mrt but i dont go t that extent.
Speaking of mrt, the main reason i'm taking the bus now is because i cant stand the kiasu attitudes of imbeciles at the mrt stations. Oh great, now the bus also has people like that. -_-
Fuck, i wish all kiasu singaporeans would just all drop dead.
All they ever do is ruin singaporean's squeaky clean image. Thanks ah.
This post has a hell load of f-word so i would appreciate it if you dont judge me on that swear word because i wrote this in anger. Cynt and Wynne kindly refrain from taking after me, afterall your pure innocent minds are too precious t pollute. I dont want boyfriends or mums t come hounding after me that i taught them all the wrong stuffs. That would be a big big big problem.
Alright i'm all typed out and happy because i got 20/25 for blaw quiz! :D Dont belittle me, even though it was an online quiz i didnt refer t any notes at all.
Now that my readers, is an amazing feat.
This crush aint going away.
do you feel the same or do you hide it the way you always do ?
10:16 PM
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I havent been as hardworking as last semester. I can feel it, i only do minimal tutorials with no interest whatsoever. Even though i revise as much as i can, i feel the exhaustion eating away my physical ability. i cant take it anymore.
Remember i said, my heart came t a standstill and that i couldnt be stirred anymore ? Apparently, i was wrong. Yesterday, i saw a touching video called chicken a la carte. It made me cry, not technically. I almost did cry, until i held myself back because i was in a lecture room of like 100plus people. The truth were painful t watch, too heartwrenching t see.
It was a story in cambodia where those fast food restaurants selling fried chicken keep the renmants left by customers after eating in huge plastic bags put in big black bins. This guy in a old bicycle then came t sort out the chicken renmants which are still suitable for consumption. After sorting out, he cycles into the night only t return t a poor village in the morning. Kids of all ages danced and ran towards him when he came. Happily pushing the bicycles towards this corner and hurriedly opening the bins t reveal those chicken renmants. I remember those words, their laughter bring tears t your eyes. It really does bring tears t your eyes, those contented faces eating chicken renmants like they're Popeye chicken meals made me teared.
Just when i thought it was over, the guy who brought back the chicken goes back t this family for a meal, and he brought along a plastic bag containing those renmants. He then uses his hand t give out the renmants t his three children and pregnant wife. Carefully selecting for his kids, the smiles and elated faces his children showed really stirred me, it stirred me hard. It was like this sudden burst of sadness which cant seem t end. Those poor kids dont go t sch either.
What they said on the slides were true, even when you close your eyes, those pictures remain. I used t laugh it off when people said i was emotional, now i think i really am. I was really shocked and upset t see the video, it was heartwrenching. I bet even guys were touched, really touched. Donation cans went round and i was sure a lot of people donated. What carried on brought surprise t most of us, a $1 we donate can give 50 cambodians clean drinking water for a day, 4 months supply of pencils for those kids etc.
thats when every $1 makes a big difference.
Moving on, i was late for school today. I was so grouchy because i thought i would be early for sch. I really didnt want t be late, but the jam hardly moved. Until i saw what was causing the jam. My heart literally stopped pounding. It was at Hoe Leong Corporation road Bustop when i saw the freak accident. Okay i didnt see the whole thing but it was enough t freak me out, enough t make me cringe and reflect on myself. I saw a police car and some motorcycles and his HUGE lorry. And this blue camp in the middle of the first lane, with blood flowing from it. There was no ambulance whatsoever.
That was when i cringed not from the fear of blood i ever had but from the horror of what has happened. I was sure there was a body in that camp, and i'm pretty sure its gruesome too judging from the amount of blood i saw. I was truly horrified and stirred. Like how much a life is lost over the recklessness of another. I was worried like fuck because i had this random thought that it might be jaryl -_- i SMSED him immediately but there wasnt any reply. I think he was still pissed with some driver yesterday so he didnt reply. But still, i was being a paranoid worrywart. Told mingxian earlier and he said CHOI! Oh thanks hor.
I still have jerene's assignments t rush, feeling so fucked up now because i realise i havent been revising much. I'm gonna finish her assignments and revise on the weekends. :)
if these were god's way of telling me that my heart can be stirred,
then you were right because its working.
Remember i said, my heart came t a standstill and that i couldnt be stirred anymore ? Apparently, i was wrong. Yesterday, i saw a touching video called chicken a la carte. It made me cry, not technically. I almost did cry, until i held myself back because i was in a lecture room of like 100plus people. The truth were painful t watch, too heartwrenching t see.
It was a story in cambodia where those fast food restaurants selling fried chicken keep the renmants left by customers after eating in huge plastic bags put in big black bins. This guy in a old bicycle then came t sort out the chicken renmants which are still suitable for consumption. After sorting out, he cycles into the night only t return t a poor village in the morning. Kids of all ages danced and ran towards him when he came. Happily pushing the bicycles towards this corner and hurriedly opening the bins t reveal those chicken renmants. I remember those words, their laughter bring tears t your eyes. It really does bring tears t your eyes, those contented faces eating chicken renmants like they're Popeye chicken meals made me teared.
Just when i thought it was over, the guy who brought back the chicken goes back t this family for a meal, and he brought along a plastic bag containing those renmants. He then uses his hand t give out the renmants t his three children and pregnant wife. Carefully selecting for his kids, the smiles and elated faces his children showed really stirred me, it stirred me hard. It was like this sudden burst of sadness which cant seem t end. Those poor kids dont go t sch either.
What they said on the slides were true, even when you close your eyes, those pictures remain. I used t laugh it off when people said i was emotional, now i think i really am. I was really shocked and upset t see the video, it was heartwrenching. I bet even guys were touched, really touched. Donation cans went round and i was sure a lot of people donated. What carried on brought surprise t most of us, a $1 we donate can give 50 cambodians clean drinking water for a day, 4 months supply of pencils for those kids etc.
thats when every $1 makes a big difference.
Moving on, i was late for school today. I was so grouchy because i thought i would be early for sch. I really didnt want t be late, but the jam hardly moved. Until i saw what was causing the jam. My heart literally stopped pounding. It was at Hoe Leong Corporation road Bustop when i saw the freak accident. Okay i didnt see the whole thing but it was enough t freak me out, enough t make me cringe and reflect on myself. I saw a police car and some motorcycles and his HUGE lorry. And this blue camp in the middle of the first lane, with blood flowing from it. There was no ambulance whatsoever.
That was when i cringed not from the fear of blood i ever had but from the horror of what has happened. I was sure there was a body in that camp, and i'm pretty sure its gruesome too judging from the amount of blood i saw. I was truly horrified and stirred. Like how much a life is lost over the recklessness of another. I was worried like fuck because i had this random thought that it might be jaryl -_- i SMSED him immediately but there wasnt any reply. I think he was still pissed with some driver yesterday so he didnt reply. But still, i was being a paranoid worrywart. Told mingxian earlier and he said CHOI! Oh thanks hor.
I still have jerene's assignments t rush, feeling so fucked up now because i realise i havent been revising much. I'm gonna finish her assignments and revise on the weekends. :)
if these were god's way of telling me that my heart can be stirred,
then you were right because its working.
7:32 PM
Monday, November 2, 2009
I couldnt sleep last night, kept tossing in my bed. Scenes of our relationship flashed through my mind repeatedly. I couldnt withstand the pain, it hurt so much i wanted t cry. T my surprise, my tears were dry. It couldnt flow, i couldnt start crying.
Is it just me or ? After awhile, my heart maintained its total coolness. Cool as ice, i laid in bed listening t David Archuleta with my eyes wide opening facing the ceiling. Like a zombie. Devoid of emotions, i dint put myself down, i didnt try t convince / self console myself. I was like emotionally dead. Nothing touched me, nothing stirred me.
Literally nothing. I was cool as much as i couldnt sleep. I laid in bed for 3hrs before falling into a slight slumber, i woke up immediately the alarm rang. I wasnt tired like how i should be, i went t the showers immediately. No groaning, no complaints nothing.
As much as it terrifies me, i reckon this t be a good change. I remember him hugging me and assuring me that he loves me and he wants the best for me blah. What terrified me was that i didnt stir, my heart came t a standstill. I was emotionless.
I had this concept that if i kept changing while he kept pinpointing me and expect me t change, there'll be a day when my love for him will inevitably fall out. It will fail t exist, and we'll no longer be able t communicate. For a simple reason; because i'm not perfect.
If he kept expecting me t change and he remains the way he is, there'll come a time when we'll be quarrelling everyday okay maybe mostly him going crazy over a certain flaw i just cant shake off. Am i right ?
Going t malaysia on wed, maybe with gramps and grans. I hope this detachment ( as alex puts ) will not fade, because i like how organised i am right now. How much physical exhaustion is non-existent, how much i can be calm and think about my own problems without being impulsive.
Thank god for giving me alex t be my friend. We both face it daily, at least there's someone whom i can inevitably talk t, someone who understands not someone who tries t understand.
i can feel it, fading away.
I see the need t emphasize this point; I DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND.
Ivan said i seriously need one, and he pissed me off. Though i didnt say it because i didnt want t be mean, i know you meant well but i think i'm pretty fine on my own.
Is it just me or ? After awhile, my heart maintained its total coolness. Cool as ice, i laid in bed listening t David Archuleta with my eyes wide opening facing the ceiling. Like a zombie. Devoid of emotions, i dint put myself down, i didnt try t convince / self console myself. I was like emotionally dead. Nothing touched me, nothing stirred me.
Literally nothing. I was cool as much as i couldnt sleep. I laid in bed for 3hrs before falling into a slight slumber, i woke up immediately the alarm rang. I wasnt tired like how i should be, i went t the showers immediately. No groaning, no complaints nothing.
As much as it terrifies me, i reckon this t be a good change. I remember him hugging me and assuring me that he loves me and he wants the best for me blah. What terrified me was that i didnt stir, my heart came t a standstill. I was emotionless.
I had this concept that if i kept changing while he kept pinpointing me and expect me t change, there'll be a day when my love for him will inevitably fall out. It will fail t exist, and we'll no longer be able t communicate. For a simple reason; because i'm not perfect.
If he kept expecting me t change and he remains the way he is, there'll come a time when we'll be quarrelling everyday okay maybe mostly him going crazy over a certain flaw i just cant shake off. Am i right ?
Going t malaysia on wed, maybe with gramps and grans. I hope this detachment ( as alex puts ) will not fade, because i like how organised i am right now. How much physical exhaustion is non-existent, how much i can be calm and think about my own problems without being impulsive.
Thank god for giving me alex t be my friend. We both face it daily, at least there's someone whom i can inevitably talk t, someone who understands not someone who tries t understand.
i can feel it, fading away.
I see the need t emphasize this point; I DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND.
Ivan said i seriously need one, and he pissed me off. Though i didnt say it because i didnt want t be mean, i know you meant well but i think i'm pretty fine on my own.
10:47 AM
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I know my previous post sounded depressing. Too depressing. But i just needed some reprieve, people vent their disappointment and unhappiness different ways, i so happen t be the high school nerd. i get my reprieve from writing.
I'm feeling abnormally calm now. Even though i know i should be downright depressed over the sudden change in our relationship. But it so happens, i'm numb. I dont know why, so stop asking me. Its like everything doesnt feel like me anymore, its like i'm viewing everything from a outsider's point of view.
I could feel it today, when he said i was selfish when i did something wrong. ( i agree i did something wrong, but i didnt know it meant i was selfish ) I didnt really care, i didnt get that oh i'm in the wrong kind of feeling. I felt exclusively in space. I really wasnt paying attention, i just kept remembering that i'm gonna work hard towards my dream home.
As much as i should have been defensive like i should, i wasnt. I was surprisingly calm as all the details sunk in. I couldnt smile happily today either, maybe its just me. Maybe its because i lost my capability t be happy. I dont know, its a scary feeling, like i dont know myself anymore. But i like this new me better, its scary but i know what i'm doing and i dont get emotional anymore. I dont get impulsive, i dont let people affect me. Its a good change for once. A extremely good change, i no longer have t get depressed over something trivial and i can for once, channel my concentration towards my studies.
I had t keep reminding myself, nothing matters more than my gpa right now.
Its true as much as it sounds crudely inhumane. Grans and Gramps came over for dinner yesterday, i was really overjoyed. I couldnt stop fussing over them, especially grans. Shes a lil darling :) That was the only time since my blog post that i felt happy. So unlike me, i'm always over cheerful, over elated sometimes i wonder if its even normal. Some people say i'm like so fake and y'know try t act close with people well, happy you peeps. I'm changing, t be someone more composed now. Like that wu zhun in gong zhu xiao mei, never loses his temper, so calm and disturbingly mysterious. Jeez, i like him; i've got the damn hots for him.
He could feel my distant personality today, he kept insisting he wasnt scolding me and that he was teaching me. Asked me t be more self confident and not be afraid t tell him anything. Uh oh, sorry dude, my self esteem just hit the new low. Really, i feel so worthless now. Sigh, i remember sitting on the bus on friday morning, asking myself if i was truly so worthless and i couldnt find a reason t convince myself that i'm not.
And i believe it will continue t be this way. Was incredibly quiet today too, didnt laugh at any jokes like i usually do. Like how David Archuleta always sings in just a lil not over you,
I just cant face the truth, and i dont know why.
I really dont know whats wrong with me. Well, i'm sorry if my friends think i've changed. Its this gradual disappointment in life that i dont see the need t put in so much of my effort into it. Lets all face it, not everyone has happy families. Happiness only lasts for a fragment of life, something i'll never understand.
So in love with David Archuleta right now, he looks downright cute but his voice, sounds so comforting, something i can sleep with everyday. Like waking up t see the most beautiful guy you love, next t you every morning which makes you smile.
I think i'll be blogging often, i need a reprieve. I really do, this feeling i'm having is worst than knowing that gramps passed away. Worst than my 2nd break up, worst than grieving over gramps, worst than knowing that i'm like the lowest in my gpa during last yr's class. Worst than knowing i'm the ugliest girl on earth, worst than the taunts i got in school.
Its worse than everything bad i've ever experienced.
I dont see the need t talk when i dont have t, i hope you like the new change. I cant bring myself t express my feelings anymore, its better this way. I can focus better on my studies. Its what i should do anyway, i hope ivan is right. I hope i can go somewhere else t study, and leave this god forsaken place.
Wynne, you're wrong. you've people here you want t stay with, i dont.
Not that i dont have friends, i do and i love them. I love my family too, but i like the independence, i want t be free. I know this is going t sound crazy, but i dont see myself missing my family if i really go overseas.
I find myself increasingly weird at times, i can let go of things really easily. I find it a good thing like what i always says, you'll never see me getting upset over a boy who happens not t feel the same. I'm like that, and i think i'm becoming worst, i'm becoming unfeeling.
I want t leave, i want t break free.
god help me, help me leave this place you forsaken for the other kids you loved other than me.
I'm feeling abnormally calm now. Even though i know i should be downright depressed over the sudden change in our relationship. But it so happens, i'm numb. I dont know why, so stop asking me. Its like everything doesnt feel like me anymore, its like i'm viewing everything from a outsider's point of view.
I could feel it today, when he said i was selfish when i did something wrong. ( i agree i did something wrong, but i didnt know it meant i was selfish ) I didnt really care, i didnt get that oh i'm in the wrong kind of feeling. I felt exclusively in space. I really wasnt paying attention, i just kept remembering that i'm gonna work hard towards my dream home.
As much as i should have been defensive like i should, i wasnt. I was surprisingly calm as all the details sunk in. I couldnt smile happily today either, maybe its just me. Maybe its because i lost my capability t be happy. I dont know, its a scary feeling, like i dont know myself anymore. But i like this new me better, its scary but i know what i'm doing and i dont get emotional anymore. I dont get impulsive, i dont let people affect me. Its a good change for once. A extremely good change, i no longer have t get depressed over something trivial and i can for once, channel my concentration towards my studies.
I had t keep reminding myself, nothing matters more than my gpa right now.
Its true as much as it sounds crudely inhumane. Grans and Gramps came over for dinner yesterday, i was really overjoyed. I couldnt stop fussing over them, especially grans. Shes a lil darling :) That was the only time since my blog post that i felt happy. So unlike me, i'm always over cheerful, over elated sometimes i wonder if its even normal. Some people say i'm like so fake and y'know try t act close with people well, happy you peeps. I'm changing, t be someone more composed now. Like that wu zhun in gong zhu xiao mei, never loses his temper, so calm and disturbingly mysterious. Jeez, i like him; i've got the damn hots for him.
He could feel my distant personality today, he kept insisting he wasnt scolding me and that he was teaching me. Asked me t be more self confident and not be afraid t tell him anything. Uh oh, sorry dude, my self esteem just hit the new low. Really, i feel so worthless now. Sigh, i remember sitting on the bus on friday morning, asking myself if i was truly so worthless and i couldnt find a reason t convince myself that i'm not.
And i believe it will continue t be this way. Was incredibly quiet today too, didnt laugh at any jokes like i usually do. Like how David Archuleta always sings in just a lil not over you,
I just cant face the truth, and i dont know why.
I really dont know whats wrong with me. Well, i'm sorry if my friends think i've changed. Its this gradual disappointment in life that i dont see the need t put in so much of my effort into it. Lets all face it, not everyone has happy families. Happiness only lasts for a fragment of life, something i'll never understand.
So in love with David Archuleta right now, he looks downright cute but his voice, sounds so comforting, something i can sleep with everyday. Like waking up t see the most beautiful guy you love, next t you every morning which makes you smile.
I think i'll be blogging often, i need a reprieve. I really do, this feeling i'm having is worst than knowing that gramps passed away. Worst than my 2nd break up, worst than grieving over gramps, worst than knowing that i'm like the lowest in my gpa during last yr's class. Worst than knowing i'm the ugliest girl on earth, worst than the taunts i got in school.
Its worse than everything bad i've ever experienced.
I dont see the need t talk when i dont have t, i hope you like the new change. I cant bring myself t express my feelings anymore, its better this way. I can focus better on my studies. Its what i should do anyway, i hope ivan is right. I hope i can go somewhere else t study, and leave this god forsaken place.
Wynne, you're wrong. you've people here you want t stay with, i dont.
Not that i dont have friends, i do and i love them. I love my family too, but i like the independence, i want t be free. I know this is going t sound crazy, but i dont see myself missing my family if i really go overseas.
I find myself increasingly weird at times, i can let go of things really easily. I find it a good thing like what i always says, you'll never see me getting upset over a boy who happens not t feel the same. I'm like that, and i think i'm becoming worst, i'm becoming unfeeling.
I want t leave, i want t break free.
god help me, help me leave this place you forsaken for the other kids you loved other than me.
9:14 PM
Friday, October 30, 2009
Lets all face it, happiness isnt eternal.
As much as we want it t be soooo everlasting or exceedingly extended, it hardly ever happens. Maybe it just applies t me, i dont know. I've been trying my very best t refrain from blogging about my personal matters with him with me most of the time feeling horrible and crying t sleep over trivial ridiculous matters. But today, i really cant take it anymore. I can feel my anger escalating, and i know i need t blog before i go crazy.
I'm glad that writing makes me feel better, a fucking 100% times better after i let out my steam. Well most of the time anyway. Yesterday was supposed t be like what ?
the happiest day i've experienced in weeks. ( since we're going malaysia )
Well it turned out t be the most miserable day ever. And yes, i'm fucking complaining whether you people like it or not. Me and his holiness had a huge fight. Well, lets just say i was on the receiving end, shall we. I admit it was my fault on the part where i was being increasingly irrational by doing some stupid thing t block up my SIM card.
I admit, its my fucking fault okay ? I've nothing t say in that point. As for the rest of the accusations you hurled towards me, be it physically or psychologically; it just so happened that i dint realise that it was pissing you off so badly sire. What else do you want me t say ? There're so many things i find unfair i want t just ball up and cry. The only reason stopping me from doing that is my strong, stubborn and insistent i'll never let people fucking beat me down attitude.
I realised i've changed as i mentioned in my previous posts, and i've changed for the better. But was it enough ? Apparently it wasnt enough t please you. Am i right ? I thought our increasingly good relationship was a bonus, something i wanted so very badly. You know what? I think its a fallacy now, a fucking fanatical fallacy i wanted so badly i was blinded by my own insensitivity t realise you've been tolerating me all this while.
Its always the same few;
please change your attitude, be more pro-active. More considerate, less selfish, more loving, eat less, study harder, dont be tv-addictive, please be a better sister blah blah blah.
You want me t go through what i've changed ? When you first hit and scolded me over these things, i thought t myself how unfair you were being towards me. My brothers were doing things you never imagined they would have done, and you were praising them up t the skies. While me, was trying so hard t salvage this relationship, being a good daughter, a better one t suit you, t be up on par with you t be the daughter you always dreamed and wanted t boast t people about, the daughter you always dreamed of having.
I changed for the better, i swear i did. I spent my holidays with ELON, revising, scolding teaching him all the same. Teaching him school subjects he should have been doing himself. You werent there when i cried over his disobedience, his computer addict attitude and my own loss of fun and monetary income i could have recoup in this holiday. You didnt know a single thing, why ? Not because i wanted t lie t you like you always love t say. I was trying t protect Elon's reputation, i didnt want his relationship with you t come t a standstill, i didnt want t see you hitting him. I tried my best, nothing but my very best. I came up with all kinds of tactics t teach him, so much so my tears were bucketful every night.
Let me name some;
buying his favourite subway cookies t reward him.
sitting beside him talking t him nicely.
Giving him a schedule and allowing him t use his computer just t keep him going.
Cooking lunch for him, trying my best t cook new things.
Being innovative, trying t engage in his teen life.
When all these failed, i had no choice but t cry and scream at him. Had i not done my best ? You didnt know, and i didnt plan on letting you know. You wouldnt believe anyway, i just wasnt that clever and selfless enough in your eyes.
Vincent's part, well i tried my best t talk t him he just dont give me a damn. Especially since he thinks he knows the whole universe so well. I tolerated everything, them not washing the dishes all the time, them doing despicable things which is too private t be mentioned here.
You dont know what they think of you, do you ? I dont think you do, but i can promise you, their love and dedication is not even 50% of mine. I've been trying so hard t be the kind of daughter you always wanted. I may not show it all the times, i just so happen t be unlucky, they do things on the surface and get praised, i so happen t be stupid ( as vincent insist i am in front of you ) and do things which are deemed selfish, unreasonable blah.
It never occured t you how much of a quadraple life i'm living huh ? Mum was often grouchy, and i had t bear her nagging, hear her problems and everything. did anyone hear mine ? Oh sorry, but it so happened i'm so closed up i dont talk about my problems at home because it is all about my quadraple life and my situation is increasingly precarious.
Let me tell you what i've changed. I get the groceries for the family all the time now, i try t cook porridge and other things instead of noodles for better nutrition for the brothers now, I no longer complain when you ask me t do stuffs, i do it willingly. I dont do it and grouch behind your back like they do, i try my best in my studies, I try not t be tv-oriented, I clean the house when i can, I try t be less bad tempered, i try t balance the family, I try t be more selfless and sensitive etc.
is that not enough?
Oh i forgot, you just never noticed, even if you do you dont talk about it. I know i did very badly in my studies in my first year, i know what i'm doing now is not enough t help it up but i'm fucking trying my very best. You know what hurts the most ?
when you dont tell me how you feel, and let mum secretly tell me. Those hurtful accusations you toss at me when i'm defenseless. you dont clear your doubts, and you let it elude your vision. Its not fucking fair t me AT ALL.
I still remembered, you insist t mum i was lying t you about some dillusional non-existent friendship problem you insist Siewling, Qiaoyu and I had the day when i came home like 5hrs earlier than i should have when my answer was nothing but simple; qiaoyu bought what she wanted so we came home early.
You know what ? I think you never noticed the change in me, its always oh look at vincent! hes so motivated and hardworking he doesnt watch tv. Dang! Did it occured t you he watched all the episodes at his friend's Mio tv subscription before ? Hes not missing out on a thing at all, because he caught it all at Brian's. You just so happen t be clueless, and i dont plan on being a tell tale-r.
Oh look at elon! Hes so hardworking, hes always helping out at home. He works hard in his studies too. Oh really ? Did you see the times he uses the computer like mad whenever he can ? Awww you didnt ? Well i dont plan on telling on him either. Its meant t be a secret i'll bring t my grave. So i would appreciate it if cynt you just keep this post t yourself.
Its never me, never. Mum knows what i've been giving out in the family, she recognises it, she treasures me. She knows i'm better than them, shes always telling you about my virtues, nah you never bothered. Because L1R5 16points just so happen t be a very bad grade for 0-levels since i could have done better ( i agree but you never properly praised me and stuck with it ) and i'm always this two faced bitch you think i am thanks t the oh so godly Mrs Wong from BLSS who kindly for the love of god told you i was always lying t you ( when i'm not ) when she didnt even attend the counselling lessons i had with Mrs Goh!
ahahahahahahahaha, WHAT A JOKE!
Its hilarious really, when i think of her oh so nice gesture which ended me in like what, 3years of misery ? Gawd, she went on t counselling students in another sch i heard. I hope they dont end up getting the kind of misery i got thanks t her holy sermons Jesus gave her.
You know what? I'm nothing but a bubble of anger, i feel hatred towards you compared t the love i had before yesterday. After yesterday, i'm further convinced, that our relationship isnt going t go any further no matter how hard i try. Because you're never going t change, and i on the other hand keep trying t change t suit you. When i'm not fucking perfect.
Not a lot of people know my past, and i dont like t talk about it. Makes me gag when people say how strong i am, oh yeah if you include the self mutilations i did t my hands and the daily hell i got in the past of course i'm strong. Lets face it, if you faced hell in the past, and you face mini hell now, it doesnt matter as much. Its just like, a prick on my little finger which i dont even give a damn about.
I wonder why god loves t treat me like this, until i realise that god was building me up for the challenges ahead. No one at 9yrs old fell as bad as i did, couldnt sit for more than an hr for like what ? 2 months ? If not i needed 2 people t aid me t the canteen. Sitting at the benches watching people play when my legs are practically skinless and numb ( having fell on black tar carpark road in temasek poly on the last day of my swimming course which coincided with my swimming exam day ) and never graduating with the kind of swimming grade i always wanted. I can never be atheletic like what i used t be, i can never run as fast, i can never go back and turn time t prevent from falling down.
Moving Boonlay has been nothing but hell. I regret, nothing but regret moving t this god-loss place for me. First time in my life, i learned the meaning of bully, taunt and teasing. Thank you. I never knew those words back in the east but i learnt it on my 1st week of school. How comforting, so i'll face it.
What i'm facing right now is a mini hell, nothing compared t what i faced before. So i shall face it, but we'll never be the same. I wont aim t be either.
sorry i'm not perfect enough t be the daughter you always wanted.
As much as we want it t be soooo everlasting or exceedingly extended, it hardly ever happens. Maybe it just applies t me, i dont know. I've been trying my very best t refrain from blogging about my personal matters with him with me most of the time feeling horrible and crying t sleep over trivial ridiculous matters. But today, i really cant take it anymore. I can feel my anger escalating, and i know i need t blog before i go crazy.
I'm glad that writing makes me feel better, a fucking 100% times better after i let out my steam. Well most of the time anyway. Yesterday was supposed t be like what ?
the happiest day i've experienced in weeks. ( since we're going malaysia )
Well it turned out t be the most miserable day ever. And yes, i'm fucking complaining whether you people like it or not. Me and his holiness had a huge fight. Well, lets just say i was on the receiving end, shall we. I admit it was my fault on the part where i was being increasingly irrational by doing some stupid thing t block up my SIM card.
I admit, its my fucking fault okay ? I've nothing t say in that point. As for the rest of the accusations you hurled towards me, be it physically or psychologically; it just so happened that i dint realise that it was pissing you off so badly sire. What else do you want me t say ? There're so many things i find unfair i want t just ball up and cry. The only reason stopping me from doing that is my strong, stubborn and insistent i'll never let people fucking beat me down attitude.
I realised i've changed as i mentioned in my previous posts, and i've changed for the better. But was it enough ? Apparently it wasnt enough t please you. Am i right ? I thought our increasingly good relationship was a bonus, something i wanted so very badly. You know what? I think its a fallacy now, a fucking fanatical fallacy i wanted so badly i was blinded by my own insensitivity t realise you've been tolerating me all this while.
Its always the same few;
please change your attitude, be more pro-active. More considerate, less selfish, more loving, eat less, study harder, dont be tv-addictive, please be a better sister blah blah blah.
You want me t go through what i've changed ? When you first hit and scolded me over these things, i thought t myself how unfair you were being towards me. My brothers were doing things you never imagined they would have done, and you were praising them up t the skies. While me, was trying so hard t salvage this relationship, being a good daughter, a better one t suit you, t be up on par with you t be the daughter you always dreamed and wanted t boast t people about, the daughter you always dreamed of having.
I changed for the better, i swear i did. I spent my holidays with ELON, revising, scolding teaching him all the same. Teaching him school subjects he should have been doing himself. You werent there when i cried over his disobedience, his computer addict attitude and my own loss of fun and monetary income i could have recoup in this holiday. You didnt know a single thing, why ? Not because i wanted t lie t you like you always love t say. I was trying t protect Elon's reputation, i didnt want his relationship with you t come t a standstill, i didnt want t see you hitting him. I tried my best, nothing but my very best. I came up with all kinds of tactics t teach him, so much so my tears were bucketful every night.
Let me name some;
buying his favourite subway cookies t reward him.
sitting beside him talking t him nicely.
Giving him a schedule and allowing him t use his computer just t keep him going.
Cooking lunch for him, trying my best t cook new things.
Being innovative, trying t engage in his teen life.
When all these failed, i had no choice but t cry and scream at him. Had i not done my best ? You didnt know, and i didnt plan on letting you know. You wouldnt believe anyway, i just wasnt that clever and selfless enough in your eyes.
Vincent's part, well i tried my best t talk t him he just dont give me a damn. Especially since he thinks he knows the whole universe so well. I tolerated everything, them not washing the dishes all the time, them doing despicable things which is too private t be mentioned here.
You dont know what they think of you, do you ? I dont think you do, but i can promise you, their love and dedication is not even 50% of mine. I've been trying so hard t be the kind of daughter you always wanted. I may not show it all the times, i just so happen t be unlucky, they do things on the surface and get praised, i so happen t be stupid ( as vincent insist i am in front of you ) and do things which are deemed selfish, unreasonable blah.
It never occured t you how much of a quadraple life i'm living huh ? Mum was often grouchy, and i had t bear her nagging, hear her problems and everything. did anyone hear mine ? Oh sorry, but it so happened i'm so closed up i dont talk about my problems at home because it is all about my quadraple life and my situation is increasingly precarious.
Let me tell you what i've changed. I get the groceries for the family all the time now, i try t cook porridge and other things instead of noodles for better nutrition for the brothers now, I no longer complain when you ask me t do stuffs, i do it willingly. I dont do it and grouch behind your back like they do, i try my best in my studies, I try not t be tv-oriented, I clean the house when i can, I try t be less bad tempered, i try t balance the family, I try t be more selfless and sensitive etc.
is that not enough?
Oh i forgot, you just never noticed, even if you do you dont talk about it. I know i did very badly in my studies in my first year, i know what i'm doing now is not enough t help it up but i'm fucking trying my very best. You know what hurts the most ?
when you dont tell me how you feel, and let mum secretly tell me. Those hurtful accusations you toss at me when i'm defenseless. you dont clear your doubts, and you let it elude your vision. Its not fucking fair t me AT ALL.
I still remembered, you insist t mum i was lying t you about some dillusional non-existent friendship problem you insist Siewling, Qiaoyu and I had the day when i came home like 5hrs earlier than i should have when my answer was nothing but simple; qiaoyu bought what she wanted so we came home early.
You know what ? I think you never noticed the change in me, its always oh look at vincent! hes so motivated and hardworking he doesnt watch tv. Dang! Did it occured t you he watched all the episodes at his friend's Mio tv subscription before ? Hes not missing out on a thing at all, because he caught it all at Brian's. You just so happen t be clueless, and i dont plan on being a tell tale-r.
Oh look at elon! Hes so hardworking, hes always helping out at home. He works hard in his studies too. Oh really ? Did you see the times he uses the computer like mad whenever he can ? Awww you didnt ? Well i dont plan on telling on him either. Its meant t be a secret i'll bring t my grave. So i would appreciate it if cynt you just keep this post t yourself.
Its never me, never. Mum knows what i've been giving out in the family, she recognises it, she treasures me. She knows i'm better than them, shes always telling you about my virtues, nah you never bothered. Because L1R5 16points just so happen t be a very bad grade for 0-levels since i could have done better ( i agree but you never properly praised me and stuck with it ) and i'm always this two faced bitch you think i am thanks t the oh so godly Mrs Wong from BLSS who kindly for the love of god told you i was always lying t you ( when i'm not ) when she didnt even attend the counselling lessons i had with Mrs Goh!
ahahahahahahahaha, WHAT A JOKE!
Its hilarious really, when i think of her oh so nice gesture which ended me in like what, 3years of misery ? Gawd, she went on t counselling students in another sch i heard. I hope they dont end up getting the kind of misery i got thanks t her holy sermons Jesus gave her.
You know what? I'm nothing but a bubble of anger, i feel hatred towards you compared t the love i had before yesterday. After yesterday, i'm further convinced, that our relationship isnt going t go any further no matter how hard i try. Because you're never going t change, and i on the other hand keep trying t change t suit you. When i'm not fucking perfect.
Not a lot of people know my past, and i dont like t talk about it. Makes me gag when people say how strong i am, oh yeah if you include the self mutilations i did t my hands and the daily hell i got in the past of course i'm strong. Lets face it, if you faced hell in the past, and you face mini hell now, it doesnt matter as much. Its just like, a prick on my little finger which i dont even give a damn about.
I wonder why god loves t treat me like this, until i realise that god was building me up for the challenges ahead. No one at 9yrs old fell as bad as i did, couldnt sit for more than an hr for like what ? 2 months ? If not i needed 2 people t aid me t the canteen. Sitting at the benches watching people play when my legs are practically skinless and numb ( having fell on black tar carpark road in temasek poly on the last day of my swimming course which coincided with my swimming exam day ) and never graduating with the kind of swimming grade i always wanted. I can never be atheletic like what i used t be, i can never run as fast, i can never go back and turn time t prevent from falling down.
Moving Boonlay has been nothing but hell. I regret, nothing but regret moving t this god-loss place for me. First time in my life, i learned the meaning of bully, taunt and teasing. Thank you. I never knew those words back in the east but i learnt it on my 1st week of school. How comforting, so i'll face it.
What i'm facing right now is a mini hell, nothing compared t what i faced before. So i shall face it, but we'll never be the same. I wont aim t be either.
sorry i'm not perfect enough t be the daughter you always wanted.
8:18 PM
